Bulimia is a horrible addiction of the mind, body and soul.

I wonder how much longer my heart will struggle to beat and I wonder why I can't care.

Tired

I've been tired lately. Not the kind of tired that is remedied with a good night's sleep, the kind of tired that shows in my posture and my face and my mannerisms.

I think I use tired to numb. I float around from meeting to task to desk to school to meeting. Too busy for appointments, too tired to care.

I want to be numb. When I have something I love to keep me wanting to feel, I don't seek out the tired. It's when I have myself and work, and that's it, that I can't sit with myself without wanting to be anywhere else. 

Just justify

Why yes, I'm walking 1.5 miles each way to campus to teach today. The traffic on North Decatur makes it much slower to drive of course, and I'm reviewing my lecture on the way.

Why no, you haven't seen me eat anything but coffee today. I'll eat on the way! See... here's an apple.

Dark circles under the eyes? That's allergies like everyone else, certainly not starvation, bulimia, or sleepless nightmare nights.

Just justify. It works. But for how long?

Tis the season

for relapse.

At least I have my wits about me enough to contact my therapist and dietitian again. I had been taking a little break from treatment, other than my psychiatrist who gives me meds to mix with booze. But it's time to get back onboard.

This time last year, I was so enthusiastic about getting over these god damn disorders and now I crave their high. I found nothing in sobriety or partial recovery that compares to the feeling I have right now. A mixture of hangover and starvation and empty that makes my brain go numb, staving off the overwhelming loneliness, hopelessness, and fucking boredom.

I need a challenge or major source of stimulation or I'm going to lose it soon. Right now it's drinking to blackout with strangers who make me feel beautiful and fun, but who I don't give a dick about. That'll last me until I get the DUI dangling 2 centimeters from my fucked up head.

Fingers crossed my therapist responds to my email and takes me back...

"Good days"

I have been diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, anxiety, and depression. It's so interesting, and equally devastating I suppose, that I define recovery from these demons based on a set of criteria that are appealing to me.

For example, I feel recovered on days:

1. I kill my 6-mile run.
2. I sneak in another 2-4 miles throughout the day.
3. I do not purge, because I do not binge.
4. I stick to my strictly defined food allowances that I estimate provide around 1600 calories.
5. I achieve something that resembles a good mood and, now that I consider it, bears a strong resemblance to a starvation high.

This is what happens when we choose our own rules and definitions for recovery. I won't even begin to list what happens the next day...

Prozac

In the spirit of celebrating recovery, I'd like to give a shout out to my 6-month anniversary with Prozac. Our first months together have been full of surprises, mostly not good as of late, ups and downs with a strong inclination towards down, and extremely volatile, bordering on unstable. So, Prozac, consider this a break up call.

But really, while I'm notoriously quick to make excuses, I'm honestly questioning my emotional and physical wel-being after the past six months. Everything seemed to prove dramatically during the first month of treatment and even in the real world after, but I think I was too quick to attribute changes to the Prozac, instead of giving myself some credit.

Now, as I'm starting to seriously struggle, the benefits I once assumed were directly related to meds, have disappeared. Instead, I've adopted a case of crippling depression and anxiety. Mostly anxiety. I'd like to think it's just a result of 6 months of sobriety, a transient stage that soon will pass. Instead, I'm forced to face physical evidence including blood pressure high enough to qualify me for pre-hypertension, severe mood swings causing ends of precious relationships, and a complete ack of care about anything at all, including any progress I've made in eating, drinking, and exercising.

I've read several memoirs recently about young women with eating disorders exacerbated by co-occurring mental disorders like borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder. I've also always wondered if my issues, particularly my fondness of exhausting routines, may stem from obsessive compulsive disorder. Medications management of these disorders is NOT Prozac, and I'm wondering if some of my recent symptoms could be related to misdiagnoses.

I still remember questioning my initial diagnosis of depression because while I do feel sad, lost, and hopeless sometimes, these emotions are rarely overwhelming. Instead, my physical reactions to certain situations (for example, shaking when I'm forced to face foods I'm not comfortable with or feeling my chest tighten if my schedule changes to impact my planned exercise) indicate anxiety.

Fortunately, I have an upcoming appointment with my psychiatrist (who is about my age and seems way uncomfortable around me... I don't bite dude, and definitely not you). I'm going to compile some evidence documenting my recent even further decent into madness, that may coincide with the Prozac and see what happens.

Anyone out there have any particularly good luck with meds? Please help...

Getting back on track

It's amazing how easily an intelligent brain can outsmart itself. It's easy to think pushing breakfast back by 15 minutes, skipping a snack, or switching up a standard lunch to rice cake snacks ain't no thangs. Until... breakfast isn't until noon at work, 2 or 3pm on the weekends, snacks between snacks are nonexistent, and everything is the same as the exact routine you had before. Except for one thing when the scale comes back out, just to see.

It's placed back in hiding - immediately - on account of holy shit, that number. Many miles every day. Before and after work, during any free time, in storms, when tired, while working. Not running? Walk everywhere and bike distances that are too far to walk. Coffee all the damn time. Food is consumed under two terms: 1) once you're hungry enough to feel dizziness upon standing or 2) a guaranteed ability to purge after. And since purging is okay again, might as well binge sometimes too, right?

The headaches are back. More crippling than the worst hangover you've ever had. There's a really painful mouth sore from either eating popcorn at record speed or purging those same pieces whole.

Shaking all the time. Trying to shake all the time. But you're still sober. And in a normal weight range. So basically.... treatment could never be an option, not even outpatients since you'll be the healthiest, most normal weight girl there. You've failed not only at recovery, but also being the best at eating disorder.

Purge

I wish I never learned to purge. If that option was completely off the table, I wonder what my recovery would feel like.

Purging has (again) become the equivalent of a compulsion, a need, an overwhelming sense of I have to.

I don't have to anything.

Anxiety

You know what's interesting? I'm about to give a 15-minute presentation on my dissertation data to an entire conference of people. I should be really nervous and anxious, right?

Things that make me more anxious than this very important talk: I haven't run yet today, I didn't purge dinner last night even though I wish I had, and the mini banana bread slice I just ate.

What's wrong with me? I can't seem to get my priorities straight for the life of me...

Thoughts

I've abandoned this blog as of late and I'm trying to pinpoint the reasons why. I'd like to say it's because I'm doing wildly well, skipping through recovery and sobriety without anything to document. Instead, the opposite is happening. I'm slipping and I'm scared to get help because I was doing well. I was moving forward, gaining weight and not caring, addressing issues in my life, accepting appointments and goal as requirements. And now I'm stagnant, choosing the aspects of recovery that fit into my life and plans instead of changing myself and my thoughts to accommodate progress.

Sometimes I want to give up and start drinking, starving, binging again. I do not look like a person with an eating disorder but I sure feel like one. Why not use the excuse that I'm still purging - why not conclude, fuck it?

My mom says, "great job, Katie! We are so proud!". My dad says, "you look healthy! Substantial! Keep it up!". Neither ask why I drive alone to get ice cream after our family dinner, purging on the way. My sponsor says, "you're killing sobriety, I'm so proud". Gives me homemade cookies. No, please.

I don't know how to let these people down. I cannot bring myself to admit to my parents the $4 grand we dropped on Renfrew should be considered an expense, not an investment given my current state. I cannot bring myself to tell my sponsor how I find sobriety pretty damn easy right now because, hellllllo people... alcohol = calories. I cannot tell my closest friends that they still need to follow me around or you better believe that 2% milk chai latte and yogurt ain't staying nowhere.

It's frustrating. I've been seeking help for almost a year now and while I've mastered the art of being therapized, I don't know where to go from here. I guess the only option is opening up, becoming completely honest with the people I haven't driven away, and putting in some major work.

Over-exercising

My mom was in town for the weekend and while it was great to see her (I hadn't since before going to rehab), a lot of issues tend to come up.

She's a compulsive exerciser like me and doesn't seem to recognize it as a problem at all. She's around 110 pounds at 5'4", but looks very underweight for her age. While she does eat, she runs 4 miles, plays hours of tennis, and takes an exercise class every day. Unfortunately, I'm afraid my parents don't get how their behavior may inflence their kids, and that it inevitably does.

Yesterday, mama didn't say anything about me not eating breakfast til 2 pm, running and then walking several miles with her. I dont know if I was testing her to see if she'd say anything or simply putting on the old competition hat and needing to always do more than her.

I hate this competitive nature. Especially now that I'm owning up to it as a possibility for why I ran 4 miles this morning and just ran 2 and am walking 3 more as soon as she left. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's the only action I've found that reduces the horrible amount of anxiety that's built up over this weekend.

At least the view from my walk is lovely.

Family time

Sometimes my family drives me nuts, but sometimes they truly save me from myself. As I'm trying to put my life back together after all that's happened this year - from taking a medical leave from my gradute program, to treatment, to sobriety, to the recent breakup - they've been so important.

Especially my sister who is currently sharing my apartment. She keeps me honest and accountable in a way that is much more productive to me learning how to keep myself accountable. I settled into a routine with P that was completely codependent and left me worse off really.

I'm simply glad to be where I am today - laying in the grass at Piedmont Park with my sister and mom - than almost anywhere else.

Happy weekend!

Three steps forward

Yesterday was my sister's birthday. We went and got tattoos! 

Three footsteps representing my steps away from bulimia, anorexia, and alcoholism. 

Always progress forward! 

Happy

Sometimes, you don't realize anything is wrong until you take a step away and acknowledge the possibility.

I will admit, it is the weekend and I've kept myself particularly busy, but I am happier than I've been in quite a while. With P, I was always sacrificing something, compromising more than I intended, and working my already overworked self to death to keep things in line. Expending enough effort for the both of us wore me the hell out and I lost myself and my sense of independence completely. Now, I'm forced to keep myself accountable and make my decisions for myself and only myself. Now, I understand just how much I'd abandoned myself.

I am looking forward to my new freedom, and taking care of myself with the same intensity I put into my relationship. One must put themselves first or else nothing else matters.

Real talk

On Wednesday, Peter and I broke up. I'm not sure how I'm still sober or how long it will last, but I'm giving it my best shot.

Update: I started this post yesterday after locking my keys in my car and finding out one of my best friends and co-workers is pregnant. I felt a huge sense of failure and while I am still very sad and regretful about losing P, I feel much better today. I understand that post-breakups have their ups and downs, but I'm on the up right now and want to focus on that.

The breakup happened right after we got back from vacation. Neither of us expected it or were planning it, but as we fought most of the car ride home, I think we both realized how many underlying issues there are beneath the already volatile surface of our relationship. We both love each other and make each other happier than miserable, but there is a general incompatibility that we've known from the start. He is much more low key and happy with doing nothing while I will always want to be on the go and busy - especially in sobriety.

I want to stay friends with P because we do have a blast together and everyone loves our dynamic. I'm certainly going to let time pass before easing into a friendship though, because he hurt me pretty bad by saying he doesn't see us ever taking a next step. After about a year and a half, I'm glad he's thinking about long-term, instead of simply being happy to be with someone for companionship now.

I argued and cried so much at first, pled for forgiveness, and apologized profusely for my mood swings, stubbornness, and doubt of his feelings for me. But now, as I relish in my newfound independence, I think this is the best thing for me. I have to learn to live for myself, by myself, instead of finding one codependent relationship after another. I'm going to go steady with myself for a while.

My sister being in Atlanta has been a godsend. I'm not sure how I would have handled this without her ear to listen and her overwhelming and unwavering support. To thank her, I've put together a surprise birthday present for her 20th birthday tomorrow. It made me so happy to do something for someone I know cares about me regardless of my mood and current situation in life. Happy birthday kid sister!

(Other people's) Kids help

I'm discovering good influences come in all shapes and sizes. While I want to maintain recovery momentum without the influence of others, I cannot trust myself and myself alone just yet.

Something that's really surprised me on this beach vacation is the impact hanging out with kids can have. My little teammates have been instrumental in getting me through this week so far and the best part is, they're so oblivious about what's going on. While the adults drink on the beach, we collect shells and string together jewelry. When I want to leave a lot of food on my dinner plate, I see an 8-year old watching me with reverence. When I want to skip breakfast, I see the plate of fresh fruit prepared by that same 8-year old, up since 7:36 am, and who am I to say no?

It's amazing how comfortable I am with my afternoon snack of homemade trail mix, hand picked with input from my girls. Of course, it's delicious, and knowing I made this with a little girl who would never expect me to be afraid of eating it, nevertheless throw it up, helps me tremendously. Considering others actually helps me.

And now for the trail mix (granola, banana chips, raisins, craisins, cashews, and walnuts) and, of course, a mug o' joe.

Prioritize recovery

Happy Memorial Day! It's a beautiful long weekend to spend in the beaches of North Carolina for sure. P's awesome (sober) sister arrived this morning and the energy is great. I finally have a sober comrade, besides the dope little 2 and 8-year old nieces.

Most importantly, I'm feeling so damn good and positive here with this family. I think it's because they are so much like me. They have issues, and they're real about it. P's mom and I had a 30 minute conversation this morning about therapy and the grief counseling group she goes to. My dad, on the other hand, cries about his failure as a parent because both his girls take meds and have therapists. Earth to papa - our way of denying problems to project that I'm fine, got none of us nowhere.

On account of realizing how much I love feeling well, connecting with fine folks, and taking it easy, I decided to let myself stay an extra day. I'm choosing to prioritize myself and my well-being over school and work that can, in reality, be done right here on this beach. I have never placed myself, my significant other, and/or my family over school and work success, but it's time to start taking advantage of people and places that impact me in a positive way.

I'm happy to be here. And today, I'm happy to be me, and not this guy...

Excited about food

There's something about taking time away from your normal routine that eliminates the usual urgency and anxiety of life. On vacation with P's family, great folks that I've only spent one weekend with before now, I do not feel the self-imposed pressure or rigidity that normally suffocates my recovery.

Instead, I wake up and run and then slow down for the rest of the day. I do not feel compelled to run more or exercise, and walk only for enjoyment. I eat what I want, when I want and do not want to purge. I have no feelings of needing to prove myself by living up to the bar I set so high that nobody would reasonably expect anyway. I feel at peace with myself and with this family.

Is it the time away from work? Is it my recovery finally kicking in? What's making the difference here? Perhaps it's the perspective I gain in examining how my behaviors would appear those I want to make a good impression on. I do find that once I feel comfortable around a person, I don't care if they think I'm crazy. I don't care that they hear me purge, see me walk for miles, or know that plate full of salad is restriction.

Instead, I'm on my best behavior. But because I am not overexercising, I am not purging, I am not worried about my body in a bikini or what people will think about the amount of peanuts I eat, I do not have urges. I don't want to purge, I want to eat. I am excited to plan what's for dinner tonight and find myself anticipating the proposed sea bass and asparagus. I do not restrict today because of the bite of steak I tried and P's sweet potato I finished last night. I just, do not. And by not doing, I'm doing so much.

I'm happy here. And it's a feeling I haven't had in a long time.

Vacation 2.0

The last vacation I took a month or so ago didn't exactly go off with a bang. I was really disappointed that even going to the beach, something I love more than anything, could be hard for me.

With a solid foundation of progress though, I feel great this time. I'm here with P's family and while I get the sense they all have their reservations about crazy Cakies as P calls me, I am having a great time. We arrived yesterday after midnight and slept in late today so I'm well rested, well fed, and feeling like this is where I belong.

We've spent all day at the beach this morning and afternoon, and I'm the lone ranger here now. I just took a short beach walk and feel a certain sense of calm that I rarely ever feel in a bikini. I think I'm finally letting go of my body image issues and realizing that every blemish, hair, and stretch mark is unique, not sometime to take care of. If I can continue learning to love my body, perhaps I can continue to love myself.

We're here until Tuesday and my goals are to (or course) stay sober and not purge a single time. So far, so good!

Happy memorial day weekend, y'all!

Family

I have a 19 year old "little" sister who just moved to Atlanta for the summer this weekend. She's only been here two full days, but I already feel closer to her and less like a mess overall.

Sis is a division 1 college swimmer and one heck of an athlete. She's also not an alcoholic and does not have an eating disorder, to my knowledge. I am 7 years older than my sister, so we've never had anything like an adult friendship throughout our life. I'm hoping now that both of our issues are out in the open, we can really help each other in our respective recoveries.

The reason my sister moved down to Atlanta for the summer is to escape from a bad breakup. I am one to talk, but I certainly don't advocate for running from your problems. I know I use my eating disorder, exercise, and alcohol abuse to numb my problems away, but that gets you nowhere. I fear that she's using the same strategy of avoidance to sweep her issues under the table, ignore them for a while, and hope they resolve. I'm at somewhat of a loss in knowing how to help her, especially given the fact that P pointed out she ran away from her life to me.

A me who can't get her own life together and is a far cry from stable. I do feel an innate sense of responsibility to be strong for her though. To set a good example. To be the older sister for once. I know that my head in a toilet is not the example I am shooting for.

I'm so happy she's here though, and in some way I suspect she's also here to keep me in line. That's the first display of real care and concern from anyone in my family, outside of money and words. Kudos to her for having the courage to step outside of her life and integrate into mine.

I am proud

Its Monday again already and a lot of significant things happened this weekend. First, P came home on Friday from being out of town and he actually wanted to go out for dinner! I expected him to want to do a whole bunch of nothing since he'd been working across the country all week, but he brought up going out.

We went to a nice brewery/restaurant that I've always loved for the food and beer, but haven't been to sober. Everything was great at the start - P felt comfortable drinking which I was more than fine with, and I ordered a virgin sparkling grapefruit cocktail. It was delicious and gave me courage to order a seitan pita for my entree.

Unfortunately, I am in recovery from an eating disorder and alcoholism. The waiter brought a surprise third drink to our table about halfway through and set it right in front of me. I still had half a mocktail left and P had finished his same drink (with booze) ages ago. As that drink sat there and stared me in the face, it hit me how damn easily I could lose my sobriety - how available and willing alcohol is for me to consume. I could have easily sipped on this mystery drink, omitting it was clearly alcoholic to P, and gone (downhill) from there. Instead, I gathered my wits and excused myself as P began drilling me about who I knew in the bar that bought me this drink, not even acknowledging the alcohol sitting right by my left hand.

This did not sit well with me, so I told him i was struggling. He reacted by becoming angry and indicating it was such a nice dinner until I ruined it. Showing, again, so that, as I'm using my voice more and more, P will have to accept I'm not always okay. We collected ourselves and went home and I did something I've never done - texted my sponsor. Even though it was pushing 11:30, she sent me a perfect response, giving me the courage to realize it's okay to struggle, to need help, and to need.

Saturday was a great day from the get-go, it was only during the evening when I returned to P's after AA, room cleaning, and laundry that things deteriorated. I won't go into details, but I'll tell you it was a struggle. I am so, so proud to say though, around 1am, after using every tool and strategy I've learned through AA and Renfrew, I couldn't lay in bed and listen to P and his friend playing video games and taking shots any longer than the 7 hours I'd already done so. Somehow, I found the courage to go home, despite the fact that I would have had a 100% chance of binging and purging for the rest of the night at any other time in my life. P walked me outside and I was able to clearly express my frustration and worry that perhaps we don't work when I'm sober. We hugged and I left and I did not even have the urge to binge, purge, or do anything but treat myself to a nights sleep in my own awesome bed!

This is tremendous progress for me and I'm ecstatic to find myself succeeding more on my own than through my codependency with P. This is recovery.

Bring it on new week!

Little things

Something I've never been good at doing is prioritizing myself and my needs. I'm very good at taking care of others and making sure everything goes off without a hitch. I still think it's fine and dandy to take care of others, especially because it makes me feel really good, but I will often neglect myself. Instead of even considering what I might want or need, others consistently come first and I wind up exhausted, lonely, and detached from myself. 

Todat after my neighborhood walk, chores, and a little bit of dissertation work, I decided to paint my toenails. As a runner, I should absolutely make this a priority to hide the bruises, blisters, and calluses that comprise my feet. But I often have no time for little things like slapping two coats of neon orange polish on those bad boys. Something as simple as painting my toenails, which is really a manifestation of self-care, is such a help. It gives me time with me - without P, my friends, my sponsor, and all of my growing list of obligations. Most importantly, by taking care of myself and prioritizing me, I find some relief from the eating disorder and addiction.

I highly recommend taking time to do you this weekend. It's worth so much more than presentable feet.

Productive days are good days

I never imagined how, as a hyperproductive person during the week, unproductive I became on the weekends with my eating disorder and drinking. Days were spent sleeping off hangovers, taking walks for hours, eating and throwing up. It was certainly better in the summer when I could distract myself from hunger and exhaustion by being outside, but I think it's safe to say most weekends from age 19-25 were spent like this.

Today, sober but still teetering on the edge of an eating disorder, I can still experience what weekends are supposed to be like. It's one of the most difficult things I've ever had to attempt, but leaving alcohol and restricting in the past has made me realize how much time, money, and energy I've wasted. It does no good to focus on regrets and wishes about the past, though, so I've made an effort to live in the present.

Which, despite the eating disorder remnants, is pretty damn good. I hope you all choose the present over the past and future, and put yourself and your recovery before everything else!

As usual, I blog while I walk and today, that happens to be in my hood. I went to a new all women AA meeting this morning and it was just what I needed before spending the day cleaning my room for my sister to move in tomorrow. Particularly because I may not have been able to handle the amount of alcohol bottles and food wrappers and containers I've tossed out.

I'll leave you with a picture of a landmark establishment down the skreet from my cozy little apartment. Note to self, come home more and relish in the non-codependent lifestlye of freedom and successful accountability.

Post hectic-work-day dog run

Many of my posts this week include my good gal Lula. Her pops, P, is out of town for work and while we miss him, the ladies enjoy some bonding time too. Today was a particularly stressful day at work for a variety of reasons and I'm so glad to come home and take a walk with my girl.

My dissertation project will wrap up its second phase of data collection in about a month, so everything at work is crazy. Luckily, I started my day with my run so I was less prone to anxiety, but my regular meals were seriously disrupted with out of the office meetings at 9, 10, and 11:30. I planned ahead and brought snacks, though not enough to constitute meals, leaving me starving at the end of the morning. With a Publix veggie wrap to save the day though, I got back on track. I am so glad that I feel worried instead of proud when I know I don't eat enough.

Tonight, I'm walking with Lula (now in the sprinkling rain), going to an eating disorder support group for the first time in weeks, then coming home to cook dinner and rest up for Thursday!

Staying busy

Lula and I running errands to keep myself occupied...

Black and white thinking

I met with my sponsor yesterday before an 8pm meeting and we chatted quite extensively about black and white thinking, all or nothinc mentality, deprivation versus excess. The similarities between alcoholics and those with certain eating disorder tendencies is quite phenomenal and more and more apparent as I try to tackle both issues.

Recovery from alcoholism involves no spectrum, no holding onto habits, no intuitive consumption. The recovering alcoholic does not drink alcohol, plain and simple. All recovery strategies involve replacing a with b. The recovering anorexic/bulimic cannot simply remove their substance of choice as that's the strategy that got them a diagnosis in the first place!

I am certainly finding that abstaining from drinking is leaps and bounds easier than the eating disorder addiction my mind can't let go of. It's so much easier for me, as an addict, to remove completely; anything that must be constantly adjusted on a spectrum becomes damn near impossible. It is not a cookie for me - it is no cookies forever or all of them. Just lije drinking was never one beer, it was all of them to blacking out and not being able to walk or, well, never none.

I have to learn how to manage substances, including food on a spectrum and eliminate this black and white thinking if I truly want recovery. Ain't no way around it.

Shaky knees music festival

Today I had more fun at a music festival than I've ever had with company I barely know. My sponsor, her sponsor and her man interest, and another chica were a sober dream team. They made me feel so comfortable, even when everyone was wasted at the end and a drunk man spilled beer all over my face. My first instinct wasn't even to lick that beer off my lip! I suppose that's the power of being around other sober people!

Sobriety aside, I didn't do the best job with eating and exercise today. I did my 6 miles this morning then walked 3 miles round trip to Kroger. I also walked 1.2 miles each way from my car to the festival. I had a protein bar and a hearty batch of oatmeal before the festival, but nothing substantial there. I did eat a pack of peanuts at least, but I've literally been on my feet the entire day. I plan on cooking up something good when I get back to P's place!

In other news, Alabama Shakes' song, Hold On, was unanimously voted best recovery song.

AA and being open minded

Its Sunday again - sure seems like the weeks fly by these days.

My 90 day sober-versary came and went on Friday and it mostly seemed like just another day. Except for meeting with my sponsor to start my first step and getting a red chip for 90 days at an AA meeting. The 8pm groups I've been going to are fantastic and the folks are people I genuinely want to be friends with. I've come a long way from scoffing at AA, citing my lack of religion as grounds to dismiss it completely.

Now, I look forward to meetings and events with sober folks. I'm going to an all-day music festival with my sponsor and her group today, and there's no way I could go with my non-sober friends. I can't wait to share my passion, music, with new, sober people. With any other crowd, I would be terrified to have to stay strong during a whole day of drinking and eating fear foods. I would have worried about affecting others' fun by being sober. Not anymore because now I can be selfish and think of myself - make sure I'm having fun.

AA has also humbled me greatly already, made me a more honest and accountable person. At the meeting on Friday, the good-looking guy who keeps asking me to hang out with his group after meetings asked me point blank if I went to rehab to already be at 90 days. I didn't think twice to answer yes, and tell him it was also for an eating disorder. AA allows me to express my most personal secrets to strangers, but strangers I relate to and trust more than most of my closest friends.

I'm so happy I've given myself the opportunity to branch out and reframe my stubborn thoughts to try something new. Finally.

Life continues

I can't reiterate the importance of realizing life goes on, no matter what you are going through. Do not expect others to treat you any differently because you are having a bad day, you are struggling with symptoms, you broke up with your boyfriend, or you've just overcome a significant challenge.

Good and bad things happen to people every single day, and it's the way you learn to react to situations that truly matters. I find when I'm engaging in symptoms - purging, isolating, restricting, over-exercising, etc - I do not handle stressful situations well. For example....

I have a single argument with P,
but catastrophize the situation until the argument results in a break-up,
blaming my eating disorder, lack of self-esteem, and self for everything,
particularly the fact that I give up on myself and people if they let me down just once,
leaving me ... uphappy and alone ...

Today, I want everyone to know that my eating disorder and other issues are ruining my relationship, but I'm 90 days sober. I want sympathy and recognition, and recognition and applause. I need validation for every emotion, an explanation and reason for everything. I need to be perfect. What I really need to do is let it go already.

90 days goofy haiku

Which haiku do you like best to post on Facebook for my 90 days tomorrow?

90 days sober
I'm just telling ya, facebook
Ain't even over

What up 90 days
Of being super sober
Ain't even over

It's been 90 days
And I'm feeling super fly
Got that sober vibe

On that sober grind
For 90 days in a row
Feeling fly fo sho

It's been 90 days
And I'm proud of my time spent
Kicking it sober

Tomorrow = 90 Days Sober

I'm wasting time at the end of the work day, waiting for 5:00 pm to hit so I can go get my run on. Tomorrow is my 90th day sober and I'm really so proud to say that.



I can't wait to pick up my 90 day chip at my meeting tomorrow. Anyway, I'm going to have a fantastic day today, tonight, and tomorrow - feel free to celebrate on my behalf!

Aaaaaaacountability

I've been thinking a lot today about how to hold myself accountable when I'm on my own.

I've almost decided to start questioning if P and I should be together right now (or if I should be with anyone during this stage of my recovery). If I'm going to make the choice to be single and lose the extra support of having a partner to spend nights and free time with, I have to make sure I'm fully dedicated to myself. Relying only on myself might actually make things more exciting, independent, and... easier? I love P, but it's not fair to ask for his support through this. I'm also realizing my needs are changing with my changes in recovery/sobriety and what may have seemed great may not be exactly what I want now.

Anyway, I'm going to start posting about my plans for each day. That way, I will be accountable to readers to follow through with plans through pictures, blog posts, etc. Today, I'm going to work until 5:00 pm (and no later!), go for my 45 minute run, then head home to let Lula out. Here's where the fun part comes in...

The neighborhood farmer's market is open this evening until 8:00 pm! I'm planning on walking Lula over to the market and picking out the ingredients to make dinner! I love cooking and I love looking for healthy dinner recipes, so this plan has put me in a great and excited mood.

I'm currently deciding between two things for dinner: a cucumber sandwich or something slightly different, mushroom and spinach stuffed eggplant.

 

  

I'm super excited to check out the farmer's market and make a decision on the spot based on what I'm hungry for and what ingredients are available. I'm also planning on purchasing a special treat for dessert. We'll see what my options are later!

Confronting other issues in recovery

The more I meet with my therapist, the more apparent it becomes that I have a lot of work to do completely unrelated to calories, weight, exercise, and alcohol. I've never really been one to buy into psychotherapy and deep-seeded issues and the like, but as my perspective on my eating disorder is changing, I'm realizing it really is so so much more than food.

One of my main issues is not knowing how to ask for what I want or need. I always try to be as independent as possible, never needing anything from anyone. I'm the flexible friend you can take anywhere, the girlfriend that caters to your every need while forcing a smile, the graduate student that can't say no. I'm not sure if it's some immature fear of rejection or not being the best at everything, but living life for others is way too exhausting.

I've also discovered I am not comfortable expressing what I perceive as negative emotions like anger, sadness, and disappointment. I shove these feelings deep down inside of me and don't let myself acknowledge they exist. I think this is another manifestation of my extreme perfectionism and need to please others, but it's definitely something that has to change.

For example, yesterday I took a huge step in asking my boyfriend, P, to call me in the evening so I could have something to look forward to and a reason to keep myself from purging. P left for an out of town trip yesterday and though he's only gone through tomorrow, I wanted to be fine on my own to reassure myself I'll be okay next week when he's gone again Monday through Friday. Anyway, I came home after work to let his dog out, instead of my usual routine of running right after work. He hadn't texted or contacted me all day and when I walked into his apartment, I was pretty disappointed to find very clear evidence that he and his work friends had drank a lot before heading to the airport. Two bottles of liquor (not empty) and many shot glasses were sitting right on the kitchen counter to welcome me.

Now I should have reached out for support immediately. I should have expressed my disappointment which turned into anger when I hadn't heard from P by 10 pm. I understand he's on a work field trip, but I needed him, or someone to express my struggles. Instead, I binged and purged everything I consumed that evening.

This can't happen again or I have to at least recognize my feelings and address them before they send me into a tailspin. I'm hoping for a much better day today or I may have to discuss other options for next week with P. My morning walk and blog has definitely made me feel better though, so thanks for being my ear, blogmosphere!

The Dietitian goes to the Dietitian

Today I met with my dietitian, a lovely lady who works at my university's student health center. We do a blind weight every week, but actually sit down to have a little chat every other week.

When I started the process of getting help back in the fall, I was so hesitant to see a dietitian. But I have a master's in nutrition and am an RD myself, I claimed! A lot of good that was doing me....

Anyway, I absolutely love going to the dietitian. I've told her I need tough love to keep me motivated and moving in the right direction. She is very open and honest with me in her assessments of how I'm currently doing, what my weight gain and overall goals are, and how to best achieve goals. I feel good after meeting with her and ready to tackle the challenges and goals she gives me at each appointment. Today was particularly important for me since P is leaving for another few days tomorrow, and then a whole week. I'm lucky to have such an awesome treatment team.

A dietitian may get a bad rep among those of us with eating disorders since they are responsible for food plans, changes and additions, and weight goals. Whatever you think of your dietitian though, remember they (usually she) has your best interest and health in mind. Recommendations and treatment plans are there to help you, even if they're extraordinarily scary. Listen to what your dietitian is saying, ignore your eating disorder, and maybe it'll all start making some sense.

Compensation

It's Monday morning and I'm doing something I really shouldn't be doing this early in the morning, after a mostly successful weekend, and to start off a new week.

After about 30 minutes at my desk, I couldn't get a pretty terrible knot out of my stomach. I feel very anxious and tense this morning and I think it's because of the amount and type of food I ate yesterday. While it was all delicious, I pushed myself far out of my comfort zone, to the point where I wasn't comfortable with feelings of hunger by dinner time. Instead of listening to my body, I snacked on safe foods - popcorn, granola bars, carrots, and while I did eat enough and feel full eventually, the constant grazing and volume prompted a strong urge to purge. Unfortunately, I didn't think things through and ended up throwing in the towel. I'm really disappointed in general, but also because the rest of the weekend had been so wonderful. I also hate that feeling hungry (and full) still make me anxious.

So this morning my stomach was pretty upset and I have wicked acid reflux. I think my body is so confused by how well I do sometimes, eating enough at proper times, and how terrible I still treat it at others, purging or binging and purging or restricting. I decided to take a walk before it gets really hot, so here I am, 1.5 miles from my office, blogging and actually feeling better. Now I just have to accept blogging quietly at my desk instead of during a compensation speed walk.

Farmer's Market Round 2

My friends hit up the farmer's market this afternoon and I couldn't pass up another trip, especially since lunch was approaching. I decided to continue my adventurous streak and try something new.

I wasn't really in the mood for wood-fired pizza which is what my friends decided on for a couple of reasons. Pizza is definitely still a fear food, and I thought it would be too much experimentation after the donut for breakfast. So I settled for a Korean steamed bun with mushrooms and kimchi. I've never had a steamed bun before, let alone kimchi, and I'm so glad I tried it!

Farmer's market, y'all

I decided to take a huge step in switching up breakfast this morning. After my run, I was starving and had some time before meeting with my sponsor, which is next on the agenda!

I paid a little visit to the Grant Park Farmer's Market for the first time this season. It's a great market with a lot of fun and fancy foods. I'll admit, it's not the best place to get basic produce and simple food for cheap, but if you're looking for some brunch grub or kitschy veggies and local foods (think arugala, radishes, yogurt, pecans), then it's the place for you.

As my first trip to the market without the usual Sunday morning hangover, I was excited. I swiped my debit card in exchange for two $5 chips and wandered. They also accept SNAP and WIC benefits (and double them!!!), which the dietitian in me absolutely loves.

Anyway, I bought a small bag of pecans for one $5 chip to be put in my oatmeal, and a peach iced tea and orange pistachio donut! Yummy!

Lula approves of my new shoes

My new running shoes came in the mail yesterday! I always order Brooks or Sauconys from the best website ever, Sierra Trading Post. The new ones are quite flashy which makes me want to win some races. And they don't even smell yet!

Lula approves...

Saturday =Awesome

It's been an awesome day. I feel great and I'm legitimately proud of myself for how far I've come from 2 days ago.

I started my day with my 6 miles, made a delicious oatmeal surprise breakfast and sat outside with P. I wrote several letters and he played guitar and sang the hell out of some Coldplay. We took Lula for a walk and then I realized how hungry I was just a few hours after breakfast. Feeling hungry makes me feel accomplished and really positive, so I thought about what I wanted to eat and decided on an eggplant bahn mi, an excellent choice for sure.

After lunch, I did some shopping at Target and bought new short in one size up than my skinny size. I'm also proud this made me proud instead of anxious. This evening, I wore my new short shorts to a picnic and movie with my friends. In addition to the picnic goods, I ate two of the homemade cookies I brought - chocolate chip with praline pecans and M&Ms! Everyone was drinking but that didn't bother me at all, and I even went to a bar with my two girlfriends after and had a delicious non-alcoholic ginger lemondade... with no guilt. What a great evening! This is how life should be.

And dsome pictures in reverse chronological order:

Warm weather treats

As I conclude my lunch break walk (don't worry, I picked up lunch to eat at my desk right after), I am obsessing over an iced latte from my favorite coffee shop across the street.

So, in the spirit of recovery, I'm getting one! Coffee drinks, smoothies, and other iced summer-y beverages can be a great source of extra calories. For me, I can down liquids all day without the anxiety that comes with food fullness. I can easily tricn myself into a little bit extra!

What's your favorite icee coffee drink? Behold......

Appreciate your pet

Yesterday, as described in my previous post, was very stressful. Luckily, I have this beautiful girl to help me through tough times as an excellent running or walking partner.

Shout out to Lula!

Workday walk

Work has already been crazy this morning as I submitted 3 abstracts to a scientific conference, edited a manuscript to submit with several colleagues to a peer-reviewed journal, and had 2 meetings. Right now, I'm practicing self-care (not overexercising, I promise) by taking a lunch break walk to do some processing.

P returns from traveling today, so last night was my final evening alone at the apartment. My day was full of stress stemming from every aspect of my life - P and I fought about how infrequently we communicate when we're apart, I was assigned several new projects by my adviser even though she's already got me so busy I haven't touched my dissertation writing in weeks, a colleague who writes poorly in English presented me with her letter of intent, a key component of submitting a research grant, at 4:30, when I was about to leave, and it was due at 5. And of course, I was pulled over on my drive home becasue my brake light is out. Woof.

After 2 really terrible days, I was almost certain I'd get home and binge and purge the evening away, but I didn't. For several important reasons.

1. I didn't restrict yesterday, eating lunch and snacks earier than usual.

2. I complained profusely to P, stemming a fight, but also allowing me to express myself.

3. On the reminder of my drive home, I thought about binging and purging, but realized it would only make me feel worse.

4. I had a wonderful run right when I got home and equally wonderful walk with Lula.

5. I spent the evening with 3 girlfriends and had a really wonderful time.

So take that, eating disorder! I made it through a stressful day successfully and though I'm not implementing my new daily structure til next week,I feel proud (though tired) today. I want to keep this momentum up through the weekend, too. Hope all of you readers are doing well this lovely first Friday of May!

Publix lunch success

And I didn't even get mad at the Publix lady today!

Restructuring my days/daze

I've been trying to come up with ways to get myself back on track and out of this recovery slump I find myself wallowing in.

It's very important to me that I'm not as dependent on P being physically present to do well. On my own at the conference and this week while he's been out of town have been especially rocky. I'm so lucky to have an awesome treatment team (my therapist, dietitian, psychiatrist, and primary care doc) to help when times get rough though. 

I've decided the current structure of my days lends itself to several slip-up potentials. I've been getting to work early and exercising (too much) after work, going to AA or a support group, and eating dinner super late when I'm starving. Instead, I'm going to do my 4-6 miles in the morning before work, eat more for breakfast and lunch, go to an earlier meeting after work, and eat dinner much earlier. This will really prevent overworking since I've been doing 8-5s most days, overexercising like I'm prone to when I'm only accountable to myself after work, and late dinners and snacks which set me up to purge. It will also fuel my appetite earlier in the day and reduce general anxiety I feel before I get to exercise, though hopefully that anxiety fades completely over time. Finally, it will give me a reason to resist purging at night since waking up with a purging hangover and running is just as bad as an alcohol-induced hangover.

I can't wait to start this routine tomorrow to test it out!

Lingering ED Thoughts

Lunch today.

I can feel eating disorder thoughts and anxieties lingering, particularly in certain situations. Anytime I have control of the situation, from when I get to exercise and how much to preparing my own food, I am okay. As soon as I lose that element of control though, I slip.

I went to Publix to get my usual lunch yesterday and it was a very revealing experience. I always order a veggie wrap from their deli and each of the deli gals makes the wrap a little differently. Apparently this little difference is still enough to displease the ol eating disorder.

The extremely nice lady who made my wrap started by adding way too much mayo. It's a big triumph for me to even consider full-fat mayo on anything, so I experienced an actual physiological response to my lack of control over how much was added to my food. Next, she added too many slices of cheese, more than my usual, safe 2 measly triangles. At this point, I couldn't contain my facial expressions or body language expressing my anxiety as she continued to add too much of everything. The olives sent me overboard and I actually made a snide comment to this poor woman.

Because she was really doing me a two-fold favor - providing ingredients in higher quantites than standard, and providing me with a challenge to actually eat somethin normal, substantial, and not pre-determined as safe.

I've felt horrible that I've slipped in recover enough that it's affecting my daily routine, my work and personal relationships, and now even my interactions with total strangers. Luckily, I've been able to hash out what's going on with my backslide as of late with my therapist and I'll include our plan im my next post!

Hang in there folks, it's almost Friday. And don't forget to be nice to the Publix deli folks who really have your best interests at heart anyway!

Renfrew Center information

I've been meaning to write something about my experience at the Renfrew Center in Coconut Creek, Florida. Following my facebook reveal, I received a message from a friend asking about treatment at Renfrew. I thought I'd at least share my response and write detailed descriptions when I have more time. My response obviously does not include any information identifying my friend!

"It is SO good to hear from you. Please, please, please don't hesitate to contact Renfrew or any treatment program in your area if you even think you're possibly interested. The initial assessments are free and you're not tied to anything - just gather some information about your treatment options and go from there.

Renfrew was a great experience. I started in their outpatient program which met 3 evenings per week (with dinner) in December but that wasn't enough support for me, so I moved up to their day treatment program. It was 5 days a week from 8:30-3pm. That also didn't work for me because I found ways around the rules (I don't recommend this approach if you go for outpatient or a day program somewhere - just comply! they know what they're doing!). So I ended up in residential in Florida. They also have a residential program in Philadelphia - both are equally respected. Residential really saved my life, broke my bad habits, and taught me how to love food again. You are assigned a therapist and a dietitian and they work with you to develop a treatment plan.

Every day, there's breakfast, lunch, and dinner (all very reasonable portions designed to maintain weight) and for weight gain, you're given a certain number of snacks and/or supplements throughout the day. Refeeding is a scary and difficult process at first, but with the support of 40-50 other girls, it ends up being manageable. Everyone at Renfrew is really great and I promise it isn't as scary as it sounds. You go at your own pace and the other girls in the program are so wonderful. I was there for a month and most people tend to stay for 1 month up to 3-4 months, depending on their situation. Do you have any specific questions? I'm always happy to answer.

You are such a strong and inspirational young lady and I would love to help support you along the way. I know it will be difficult, but hang in there and know that you deserve recovery from this. You can do it! It's so much fun on the other side!"

Please don't hesitate to comment with any other questions!

Staying busy

Its Monday, y'all! I just finished my oatmeal and raisin concoction for breakfast and am waiting to lecture to a class of Master's degree seeking students. I find it ironic that I'm lecturing to these kids as a "professional", a dietitian with a master's degree, and a 4th year PhD candidate at a pretty dang good university. But these kids are really my age and older and likely have their lives together much better than the dietitian over here, wondering what she'll have for lunch and if she'll keep it down already.

Somehow, with a raging case of alcoholism and bulimia, restrictive, and over-exercising tendencies, I graduated with a bachelor of science in Nutrition and a minor in psychology in 3 years of undergrad. During my 4th year of school, I managed to finish a combined dietetic internship and master's in public health nutrition. I also managed a bar, working upwards of 25 hours each week. During this time, I was chronically tired, hungry, lonely, and angry at myself for turning into a super functional fuck up. It's fairly well known that the HALT acronym (hungry, angry, tired, loney) nails the triggers for eating disorder behavior, so it's no wonder I was so sick throughout college.

I have only recently understood how important several key ideas are to recovery from pretty much anything. The first idea is to accept help from others. We are often perfectionists, always doing and going and providing, and never cutting our eating disordered selves a break. It's unthinkable to ask for anything, let alone help for a problem. I have learned that recovery is not possible without accepting help from friends, family, support groups, and your team of professionals responsible for taking care of you. The second idea is to relax. You must schedule down time for yourself and you must learn how to do nothing. Whether your down time is spent taking a nap, lounging on the couch, or laying by a pool, it's so so important to make sure you're successful in recovery. Don't underestimate the power of doing nothing!

This brings me back to the reason I'm writing this post. I'm listening to the first lecturer right now and ready to give my portion of the lecture soon, and my mind is begging me for a break. With the conference last week, I worked long hours and only had Sunday to mysef. I need down time and I need it soon! I'm hungrier than usual, more tired on shorter runs, and more irritable than I prefer. These are all signs that I'm pushing too hard right now and even undoing some of the hard work I've put into recovery. So, during this week while P is out of town, I'm going to leave work at the end of my 8.5 hours, not bring anything home to finish, and focus on filling my evenings with rest, support groups like ANAD and AA (both of which I truly enjoy), and a big bunch of nothing.

I think I'm doing a good enough job in eating, exercise, and sobriety that I trust myself with unstructured down time, but I also know I'm prone to slip-ups. But! I have a ton of friends to catch up with this week and a whole dang memoir to write and publish. So I should be a-okay!

I'd love to hear from you readers through comments and/or messages. Who's out there reading my meaningless words? What are your favorite down time activities? I need some new hobbies and welcome your feedback!

Outside breakfast!

I'm on my own for breakfast and I love what I've put together. I love breakfast foods more than anything and I've missed my oatmeal creations while out of town at the conference.

This morning/afternoon, breakfast morphed into brunch, a usual happening on the weekend for me. I enjoy sleeping in and with the sore throat I'm battling, today's sleep in was extra awesome.

For breakfast, I have a big mug of Tazo Iced Blushberry Black tea, a black tea with deep crimson notes of black raspberry, huckleberry, and strawberry (description right off the box - I'd say it's pretty accurate), perfect as I lounge in the sun. I was also craving a good coffee after relying on conference coffee for days. I make french pressed coffee using Community Coffee Breakfast Blend grounds, and it's so delicious without any sweetener. A goal of mine is to cut back on artificial sweeteners and eliminate them completely some day, so I've become really fond of black coffee with just milk, exactly what I whipped up.

My main breakfast entree is a big bowl of good ol oatmeal, filled with everything I was craving this morning. I used 2 packets of lower sugar instant oatmeal - 1 apple cinnamon, 1 maple and brown sugar - and dashes of cinnamon and nutmeg, cooked in soy milk. Once cooked, I added a little bit of butter, a whole sliced banana, a mini packet of raisins, and pecan pieces. It's delicious!

Sunday

It's a beautiful day today and I'm glad to be back home in Atlanta. I am going to have a difficult week ahead of me as I'll be staying alone at P's apartment to dog sit Lula while he's out of town.

I figure if I'm going to succeed, I have to make plans and if/then statements now. I am almost always okay at work. I go in at 8 am and leave at the end of the day, usually 4:30 or 5. On most days, I run immediately after work, occupy myself by taking a walk to get a snack or doing some more work at the office, then go to an AA meeting, support group, or out with my friends after that. My day is going to change pretty drastically since I'll have to come home and let Lula out of her crate.

So here's what I'm thinking (I know this isn't interesting to readers, but it helps me tremendously to outline this for myself!). I'll get to work early as usual, and run after work right at 4:30 for 30 minutes, since that's all I'm supposed to do anyway. I'll head right over to P's apartment after that and walk Lula for a little while, stopping at my favorite coffee shop in P's neighborhood for my post-run snack. After that, I'll still go to my support group or AA meeting, then eat dinner after and that should work out fine. If I sense any trouble, or room for screw ups on Monday, I'll dig a little deeper and figure out what I can do to avoid these situations during the rest of the week.

I really want to be able to trust myself alone soon. I hate that I'm still very reliant on my routines and others, particularly P, to "monitor" me, even though he doesn't even know he's doing it. Just by hanging out with him every evening while I eat dinner and an evening snack helps tremendously and I truly hope I can rely on self-accountability in the immediate future.

In the mean time, I want to enjoy my beautiful Sunday and get some beautiful sun and outside activities in today, particularly the farmer's market (which I love and have money for today!!) and a neighborhood festival that I'm particularly fond of. To Sundays!

Half Recovered

I only have 30 minutes of internet on my flight right now because I'm too much of a cheap ass to spend $9 for a full hour, but I thought I'd pass the time by posting about something that's been on my mind, my current state of semi-recovery.

Right now, I am partially following rules and recommendations, when it's convenient and what I deem as the best practice for me. I have yet to come to terms with the amount of snacks I'm supposed to have, the frequency and duration of exercise I'm "allowed", and definitely my goal weight of 120 at a little over 5'4". It's easy for me to play the part of perfect compliance, but I'm never 100% honest or accountable to myself. And I've figured out that I'm never going to reach recovery, true recovery, not this still half-sick bullshit until I accept weight gain, my body, and maybe even the advice of others.

The first change I'm going to make is eliminating the repetitive nature of the diet pattern I've been having every single day. I have to get out of my comfort zone and get rid of even the smallest remnants of disordered eating like what time I can have meals, how much I have to exercise every day, and how I have to compensate for things like going out to eat or taking a travel day. I am not going to rely on the have tos, musts, can'ts, won'ts, and don'ts. Instead, I'm going to introduce a new level of flexibility into my days and weeks. I have to keep going to AA meetings so I don't use changes-in-diet-and-physical-activity-induced anxiety as an excuse to start drinking again.

My boyfriend will be out of town this week, and I will once again be left to my own devices, but I'm going to write, read, and dive back into recovery full steam ahead. I think taking away the ever increasing restrictions will really help!

Happy Saturday!

Last day of the conference

Today is the final day of the conference I've attended for the past 3 days. I wish I could say that it's been a dream of a 3 days and I've been 100% accountable to myself, but that wouldn't quite be the truth.

In the past, I've spent most of my time at conferences starving in sessions, slaving away in the hotel gym, drinking too much while alone at the bar, then reaching my wits' end and ultimately purging, cycling into binging and purging, the conference away. It's a depressing, devastating cycle, and one that I fall into each time I'm left to my own devices.

This conference was going to be different.  I resolved to avoid eating disorder and compulsive behavior at all costs and choose to enjoy my time exploring a new city instead. Each (very early) morning, I dragged myself out of bed and did my run. I think this was a much better strategy than waiting til the evening after the conference concludes because I'm much more likely to eat what I want, when I want, if I've already finished my run. When I save my run for later in the day, I tend to resort back to safe foods high in protein and carbohydrates and devoid of any fat. I think it's this disordered differentiation of foods as allowed and not allowed that really sets me up.

Anyway, after my run, I ate breakfast at the hotel buffet, free to conference attendees (!!) and it was probably my favorite meal of each day. I love experimenting with different combinations of granola and yogurt, adding a variety of sweeteners like jelly or honey, fresh and dried fruit, and almond slivers or walnuts. I missed my usual oatmeal combinations by today, the last day of the conference, but not too much! I'm definitely going to start rotating oatmeal with the yogurt/granola combo, especially because I feel my weight has dropped over the past week or so. But that's for another discussion.

Each morning at breakfast, I grabbed an apple and granola bar to eat for snack since I noticed intense hunger by 11 or 11:30 am. I'm proud of myself for adding this snack since breakfast concluded at 8 am and lunch didn't start until almost 1 pm, way too long for this revved up metabolism. Lunch was fine each day and consisted of a veggie sandwich and salad from a wonderful spread of food. It made me really appreciate the food I've been keeping myself from for all of these years. I'm truly sad by how much time I wasted and opportunities I let slip by in my 9-10 year struggle.

I ran into roadblocks each evening, mostly due to the fact I had to present my poster and run a booth in a conference room with an open bar. This is still so difficult and anxiety inducing that I'm almost positive the slip-ups I've experienced during recovery have stemmed directly from situations with alcohol involved. Anyway, I managed to get a healthy and tasty dinner each night, but ended up purging since I was alone in my room for each meal. Next time, I have to eat outside or somewhere without a beckoning bathroom, and in the company of others. I did find something to snack on each night before bed though, a small victory in itself.

Anyway, I was hoping to have time for more updates during the conference, but I was very busy, running from sessions to our booth, to my room to finish work, etc. I'm ready to head home to my P and his Lula dog now, and I'm glad I've managed to (mostly) enjoy the conference and show myself I can be somewhat accountable to myself at this point in recovery.

Can't wait to be back in Atlanta for my next post! P and I and another couple are going to the Lion King this evening!

Eating like a normal person, y'all

Day 1 of the conference.

It's only 9:13 am and I've already started my day strong. I ran 6 miles this morning, practically before the sun came up, then showered and fixed myself up fancy. (On a normal day, I shower in literally 3-4 minutes, stick my hair up, and run out the door, so a good blow-dry is a rare, rare occurrence).

So it's 7:45 am and I'm ready for the conference early. Breakfast is served until 8, and I am initially ambivalent about going to a free buffet style breakfast, but I feel good about my day already, so I go for it. I am so glad I did because I managed to grab a delicious breakfast without any calculation, planning, or guilt. I was craving yogurt and granola, even though my usual safe breakfast of oatmeal was available. It ended up being the best choice ever - vanilla yogurt (who knows and who cares if it was low-fat), granola, raisins, and sweetly fantastic dried pineapple heaven. I also grabbed a coffee and now I'm sipping on a homemade chai "latte" with 2% milk, two bags of Mighty Leaf Chai, and sweetener. Its delicious and I'm presently, appropriately full and able to pay 100% attention to the conference speakers. Well, except for the fact I'm blogging instead of listening, huh?

Just kidding, I'm a hell of a multitasker, so I am blogging and listening from my seat with a bag full of stolen snacks by my side - granny smith apples, tea bags, granola bars, and trail mix, that I have no intention of doing anything but enjoying if I get hungry. I'm looking forward to posting on lunch and dinner later!

Big Test

Vacation was the biggest challenge I think I'll face this early in recovery, but less than a week later, I'm heading into another significant challenge. I was very anxious going into vacation, mostly about the sobriety part, but I feel much less anxiety going into a 3-day conference in Texas. The conference is a meeting of dietitians who work in the field of genetic and metabolic disorders. I happen to be doing my dissertation on a population with PKU, a genetic disorder, so I'm presenting some of my work and also helping to man a booth for my dissertation adviser.

I'm riding public transportation to the airport and I'm feeling excited instead of nervous. My most significant challenge will be staying in a hotel room by myself, but I'm not going to let myself think of that in advance, or make any plans to abuse my freedom. I find that when I expect or plan on something happening, the chances that it will are 100%. I have no desire to binge or purge on this trip and I have a goal of coming home on Saturday and announcing to Peter I did not purge once.

To make this weekend a success though, I'm going to have to eat and eat foods I'm not completely comfortable with. I am planning for a healthy amount of exercise each morning before activities, pending my knee is okay, and plenty of outdoor activities in the evening after the conference concludes each day. I can't restrict or label foods as good or bad or I will end up compensating, which always results in the binge purge. I'm also thinking back to all of the other trips I've made to new and exciting cities, spent with my head in the toilet, miserable, broke, and so sick. I have never been to Dallas before, and I'm not about to mess this up!

I will use this blog as a resource to help ne through any urges or difficult times, so hopefully I can get some great posting in over the next few days!

Easter Revelation

It's beautiful in the great city of Atlanta today, and a wonderful day to celebrate two holidays, Easter and 4/20. I have yet to partake in any activities celebrating either of these occasions, but I may rally for a smoke and an egg hunt, in the name of recovery of course.

On a more serious note, this post is dedicated to exploring the struggles I've experienced over the past few days. I miraculously managed to get 3 days off my demanding school/work, and P and I joined 5 friends on a beach vacation. I had been so excited about the time off and the opportunity to continue the progress in P and my relationship, and it wasn't until days before the trip that I began to consider my readiness.

The crew at the beach was rowdy - drinking and drugs - and prone to eatinf whatever the hell they want (though I've gathered this is a quality among normal individuals). I love the beach so I wasn't extraordinarily worried about sobriety, but we literally had rainy, windy weather the entire time. I survived the first few days with a morning 6 mile run and a lot of reading. P and the entire crew were great, quick to express support and make me a virgin anything. No one questioned my health-conscious eating or, as the days passed, lack of.

By the last two days, my willpower was shot. Rainy beach walks and trips into town while everyone else, well, tripped, couldn't contain my anxiety, compounded by the pressure I felt in every you're doing so well! statement. I spend the last night of the trip binging and purging outside. Peter caught me, and then again last night after we'd arrived home, and while I didn't lie, I was horribly embarrassed.

Vacations are meant to reset, but I've learned my lesson about assuming I'm recovered, not in recovery. I'm still doing too much, too soon and I have to get back on track. I've chosen to stay in the danger zone most of today, running 6 miles, eating only oatmel so far, and now walking 4 miles because the weather is just gorgeous and it's the weekend and a holiday! But I feel my body responding so I'm determined to finish my walk and visit my favorite coffee shop for a hot peppermint tea to help my aching throat and whatever the hell coffee shop treat I want. Followed by an AA meeting,  substantial dinner with my boyfriendx and sincere amends and let him know I promise to get back on track.

Happy Easter Sunday and/or 4/20. Make it your goal today to get back on the path to recovery and health if you're off track. Best wishes!

Update on going public with my eating disorder and substance abuse

Since I announced that I went to treatment at Renfrew Florida yesterday to the entire world via Facebook, I've had such an amazing and positive response. But there's a catch. 

I can't tell if it's the focus on the eating disorder or me second-guessing the decision the publicize my deepest, darkest secrets, but last night and today have been difficult. I had several slip-ups after dinner and snacks last night and feel a very strong urge to restrict today. As I type this, I'm taking my lunch break to walk several miles under the guise of getting coffee. I feel anxious about the fact that I'm really hungry right now after my usual breakfast and that I'm in my usually full office by myself today. In the past, and even last week, I'd always eat and purge through days like this after restriction all day.

I've come to the conclusion while writing this post though, that I'm not going to do that. Instead, coffee and confidence in hand, I'm going to march into Publix and get whatever Katie (that's me) wants on her veggie wrap. If it's hard as hell, that's okay because I'll remember that I'm now accountable to my 600+ facebook friends, family, and coworkers. When I go to the gym after work, I will not consider every bit of exercise in mile equivalents. I will work up a sweat if my overused knee doesn't put up too much of a fuss and then... I'll go home, shower, and not think twice about calories in and calories out.

I also just reached out to several friends to organize dinner out tonight. That's what I have in store for you, ya pain in the ass eating disorder. This vent really helped! Thanks for listening, blogmosphere and happy weekend!