I am proud

Its Monday again already and a lot of significant things happened this weekend. First, P came home on Friday from being out of town and he actually wanted to go out for dinner! I expected him to want to do a whole bunch of nothing since he'd been working across the country all week, but he brought up going out.

We went to a nice brewery/restaurant that I've always loved for the food and beer, but haven't been to sober. Everything was great at the start - P felt comfortable drinking which I was more than fine with, and I ordered a virgin sparkling grapefruit cocktail. It was delicious and gave me courage to order a seitan pita for my entree.

Unfortunately, I am in recovery from an eating disorder and alcoholism. The waiter brought a surprise third drink to our table about halfway through and set it right in front of me. I still had half a mocktail left and P had finished his same drink (with booze) ages ago. As that drink sat there and stared me in the face, it hit me how damn easily I could lose my sobriety - how available and willing alcohol is for me to consume. I could have easily sipped on this mystery drink, omitting it was clearly alcoholic to P, and gone (downhill) from there. Instead, I gathered my wits and excused myself as P began drilling me about who I knew in the bar that bought me this drink, not even acknowledging the alcohol sitting right by my left hand.

This did not sit well with me, so I told him i was struggling. He reacted by becoming angry and indicating it was such a nice dinner until I ruined it. Showing, again, so that, as I'm using my voice more and more, P will have to accept I'm not always okay. We collected ourselves and went home and I did something I've never done - texted my sponsor. Even though it was pushing 11:30, she sent me a perfect response, giving me the courage to realize it's okay to struggle, to need help, and to need.

Saturday was a great day from the get-go, it was only during the evening when I returned to P's after AA, room cleaning, and laundry that things deteriorated. I won't go into details, but I'll tell you it was a struggle. I am so, so proud to say though, around 1am, after using every tool and strategy I've learned through AA and Renfrew, I couldn't lay in bed and listen to P and his friend playing video games and taking shots any longer than the 7 hours I'd already done so. Somehow, I found the courage to go home, despite the fact that I would have had a 100% chance of binging and purging for the rest of the night at any other time in my life. P walked me outside and I was able to clearly express my frustration and worry that perhaps we don't work when I'm sober. We hugged and I left and I did not even have the urge to binge, purge, or do anything but treat myself to a nights sleep in my own awesome bed!

This is tremendous progress for me and I'm ecstatic to find myself succeeding more on my own than through my codependency with P. This is recovery.

Bring it on new week!

AA and being open minded

Its Sunday again - sure seems like the weeks fly by these days.

My 90 day sober-versary came and went on Friday and it mostly seemed like just another day. Except for meeting with my sponsor to start my first step and getting a red chip for 90 days at an AA meeting. The 8pm groups I've been going to are fantastic and the folks are people I genuinely want to be friends with. I've come a long way from scoffing at AA, citing my lack of religion as grounds to dismiss it completely.

Now, I look forward to meetings and events with sober folks. I'm going to an all-day music festival with my sponsor and her group today, and there's no way I could go with my non-sober friends. I can't wait to share my passion, music, with new, sober people. With any other crowd, I would be terrified to have to stay strong during a whole day of drinking and eating fear foods. I would have worried about affecting others' fun by being sober. Not anymore because now I can be selfish and think of myself - make sure I'm having fun.

AA has also humbled me greatly already, made me a more honest and accountable person. At the meeting on Friday, the good-looking guy who keeps asking me to hang out with his group after meetings asked me point blank if I went to rehab to already be at 90 days. I didn't think twice to answer yes, and tell him it was also for an eating disorder. AA allows me to express my most personal secrets to strangers, but strangers I relate to and trust more than most of my closest friends.

I'm so happy I've given myself the opportunity to branch out and reframe my stubborn thoughts to try something new. Finally.

90 days goofy haiku

Which haiku do you like best to post on Facebook for my 90 days tomorrow?

90 days sober
I'm just telling ya, facebook
Ain't even over

What up 90 days
Of being super sober
Ain't even over

It's been 90 days
And I'm feeling super fly
Got that sober vibe

On that sober grind
For 90 days in a row
Feeling fly fo sho

It's been 90 days
And I'm proud of my time spent
Kicking it sober

Tomorrow = 90 Days Sober

I'm wasting time at the end of the work day, waiting for 5:00 pm to hit so I can go get my run on. Tomorrow is my 90th day sober and I'm really so proud to say that.



I can't wait to pick up my 90 day chip at my meeting tomorrow. Anyway, I'm going to have a fantastic day today, tonight, and tomorrow - feel free to celebrate on my behalf!

Confronting other issues in recovery

The more I meet with my therapist, the more apparent it becomes that I have a lot of work to do completely unrelated to calories, weight, exercise, and alcohol. I've never really been one to buy into psychotherapy and deep-seeded issues and the like, but as my perspective on my eating disorder is changing, I'm realizing it really is so so much more than food.

One of my main issues is not knowing how to ask for what I want or need. I always try to be as independent as possible, never needing anything from anyone. I'm the flexible friend you can take anywhere, the girlfriend that caters to your every need while forcing a smile, the graduate student that can't say no. I'm not sure if it's some immature fear of rejection or not being the best at everything, but living life for others is way too exhausting.

I've also discovered I am not comfortable expressing what I perceive as negative emotions like anger, sadness, and disappointment. I shove these feelings deep down inside of me and don't let myself acknowledge they exist. I think this is another manifestation of my extreme perfectionism and need to please others, but it's definitely something that has to change.

For example, yesterday I took a huge step in asking my boyfriend, P, to call me in the evening so I could have something to look forward to and a reason to keep myself from purging. P left for an out of town trip yesterday and though he's only gone through tomorrow, I wanted to be fine on my own to reassure myself I'll be okay next week when he's gone again Monday through Friday. Anyway, I came home after work to let his dog out, instead of my usual routine of running right after work. He hadn't texted or contacted me all day and when I walked into his apartment, I was pretty disappointed to find very clear evidence that he and his work friends had drank a lot before heading to the airport. Two bottles of liquor (not empty) and many shot glasses were sitting right on the kitchen counter to welcome me.

Now I should have reached out for support immediately. I should have expressed my disappointment which turned into anger when I hadn't heard from P by 10 pm. I understand he's on a work field trip, but I needed him, or someone to express my struggles. Instead, I binged and purged everything I consumed that evening.

This can't happen again or I have to at least recognize my feelings and address them before they send me into a tailspin. I'm hoping for a much better day today or I may have to discuss other options for next week with P. My morning walk and blog has definitely made me feel better though, so thanks for being my ear, blogmosphere!

Last day of the conference

Today is the final day of the conference I've attended for the past 3 days. I wish I could say that it's been a dream of a 3 days and I've been 100% accountable to myself, but that wouldn't quite be the truth.

In the past, I've spent most of my time at conferences starving in sessions, slaving away in the hotel gym, drinking too much while alone at the bar, then reaching my wits' end and ultimately purging, cycling into binging and purging, the conference away. It's a depressing, devastating cycle, and one that I fall into each time I'm left to my own devices.

This conference was going to be different.  I resolved to avoid eating disorder and compulsive behavior at all costs and choose to enjoy my time exploring a new city instead. Each (very early) morning, I dragged myself out of bed and did my run. I think this was a much better strategy than waiting til the evening after the conference concludes because I'm much more likely to eat what I want, when I want, if I've already finished my run. When I save my run for later in the day, I tend to resort back to safe foods high in protein and carbohydrates and devoid of any fat. I think it's this disordered differentiation of foods as allowed and not allowed that really sets me up.

Anyway, after my run, I ate breakfast at the hotel buffet, free to conference attendees (!!) and it was probably my favorite meal of each day. I love experimenting with different combinations of granola and yogurt, adding a variety of sweeteners like jelly or honey, fresh and dried fruit, and almond slivers or walnuts. I missed my usual oatmeal combinations by today, the last day of the conference, but not too much! I'm definitely going to start rotating oatmeal with the yogurt/granola combo, especially because I feel my weight has dropped over the past week or so. But that's for another discussion.

Each morning at breakfast, I grabbed an apple and granola bar to eat for snack since I noticed intense hunger by 11 or 11:30 am. I'm proud of myself for adding this snack since breakfast concluded at 8 am and lunch didn't start until almost 1 pm, way too long for this revved up metabolism. Lunch was fine each day and consisted of a veggie sandwich and salad from a wonderful spread of food. It made me really appreciate the food I've been keeping myself from for all of these years. I'm truly sad by how much time I wasted and opportunities I let slip by in my 9-10 year struggle.

I ran into roadblocks each evening, mostly due to the fact I had to present my poster and run a booth in a conference room with an open bar. This is still so difficult and anxiety inducing that I'm almost positive the slip-ups I've experienced during recovery have stemmed directly from situations with alcohol involved. Anyway, I managed to get a healthy and tasty dinner each night, but ended up purging since I was alone in my room for each meal. Next time, I have to eat outside or somewhere without a beckoning bathroom, and in the company of others. I did find something to snack on each night before bed though, a small victory in itself.

Anyway, I was hoping to have time for more updates during the conference, but I was very busy, running from sessions to our booth, to my room to finish work, etc. I'm ready to head home to my P and his Lula dog now, and I'm glad I've managed to (mostly) enjoy the conference and show myself I can be somewhat accountable to myself at this point in recovery.

Can't wait to be back in Atlanta for my next post! P and I and another couple are going to the Lion King this evening!

Easter Revelation

It's beautiful in the great city of Atlanta today, and a wonderful day to celebrate two holidays, Easter and 4/20. I have yet to partake in any activities celebrating either of these occasions, but I may rally for a smoke and an egg hunt, in the name of recovery of course.

On a more serious note, this post is dedicated to exploring the struggles I've experienced over the past few days. I miraculously managed to get 3 days off my demanding school/work, and P and I joined 5 friends on a beach vacation. I had been so excited about the time off and the opportunity to continue the progress in P and my relationship, and it wasn't until days before the trip that I began to consider my readiness.

The crew at the beach was rowdy - drinking and drugs - and prone to eatinf whatever the hell they want (though I've gathered this is a quality among normal individuals). I love the beach so I wasn't extraordinarily worried about sobriety, but we literally had rainy, windy weather the entire time. I survived the first few days with a morning 6 mile run and a lot of reading. P and the entire crew were great, quick to express support and make me a virgin anything. No one questioned my health-conscious eating or, as the days passed, lack of.

By the last two days, my willpower was shot. Rainy beach walks and trips into town while everyone else, well, tripped, couldn't contain my anxiety, compounded by the pressure I felt in every you're doing so well! statement. I spend the last night of the trip binging and purging outside. Peter caught me, and then again last night after we'd arrived home, and while I didn't lie, I was horribly embarrassed.

Vacations are meant to reset, but I've learned my lesson about assuming I'm recovered, not in recovery. I'm still doing too much, too soon and I have to get back on track. I've chosen to stay in the danger zone most of today, running 6 miles, eating only oatmel so far, and now walking 4 miles because the weather is just gorgeous and it's the weekend and a holiday! But I feel my body responding so I'm determined to finish my walk and visit my favorite coffee shop for a hot peppermint tea to help my aching throat and whatever the hell coffee shop treat I want. Followed by an AA meeting,  substantial dinner with my boyfriendx and sincere amends and let him know I promise to get back on track.

Happy Easter Sunday and/or 4/20. Make it your goal today to get back on the path to recovery and health if you're off track. Best wishes!

60 days sober!

Today is my 60th day of sobriety! I just thought I'd brag a little on myself since today has been pretty rough otherwise. I also thought I'd brag a little because I made it through a hip hop show (Mob Deep, heard of them?) this weekend, surrounded by a bunch of really inebriated individuals, including my party of four, stone cold sober. At one point, an idiot friend even shoved a drink in my hand to hold his drink while he went to the bathroom. If I can make it through that, what can't I make it through?

I hope I can apply that sort of will power and drive to maintain good habits in all aspects of my recovery, too.

Happy sobriety! I don't think I've been more proud of much else in my entire life!