Productive days are good days

I never imagined how, as a hyperproductive person during the week, unproductive I became on the weekends with my eating disorder and drinking. Days were spent sleeping off hangovers, taking walks for hours, eating and throwing up. It was certainly better in the summer when I could distract myself from hunger and exhaustion by being outside, but I think it's safe to say most weekends from age 19-25 were spent like this.

Today, sober but still teetering on the edge of an eating disorder, I can still experience what weekends are supposed to be like. It's one of the most difficult things I've ever had to attempt, but leaving alcohol and restricting in the past has made me realize how much time, money, and energy I've wasted. It does no good to focus on regrets and wishes about the past, though, so I've made an effort to live in the present.

Which, despite the eating disorder remnants, is pretty damn good. I hope you all choose the present over the past and future, and put yourself and your recovery before everything else!

As usual, I blog while I walk and today, that happens to be in my hood. I went to a new all women AA meeting this morning and it was just what I needed before spending the day cleaning my room for my sister to move in tomorrow. Particularly because I may not have been able to handle the amount of alcohol bottles and food wrappers and containers I've tossed out.

I'll leave you with a picture of a landmark establishment down the skreet from my cozy little apartment. Note to self, come home more and relish in the non-codependent lifestlye of freedom and successful accountability.

AA and being open minded

Its Sunday again - sure seems like the weeks fly by these days.

My 90 day sober-versary came and went on Friday and it mostly seemed like just another day. Except for meeting with my sponsor to start my first step and getting a red chip for 90 days at an AA meeting. The 8pm groups I've been going to are fantastic and the folks are people I genuinely want to be friends with. I've come a long way from scoffing at AA, citing my lack of religion as grounds to dismiss it completely.

Now, I look forward to meetings and events with sober folks. I'm going to an all-day music festival with my sponsor and her group today, and there's no way I could go with my non-sober friends. I can't wait to share my passion, music, with new, sober people. With any other crowd, I would be terrified to have to stay strong during a whole day of drinking and eating fear foods. I would have worried about affecting others' fun by being sober. Not anymore because now I can be selfish and think of myself - make sure I'm having fun.

AA has also humbled me greatly already, made me a more honest and accountable person. At the meeting on Friday, the good-looking guy who keeps asking me to hang out with his group after meetings asked me point blank if I went to rehab to already be at 90 days. I didn't think twice to answer yes, and tell him it was also for an eating disorder. AA allows me to express my most personal secrets to strangers, but strangers I relate to and trust more than most of my closest friends.

I'm so happy I've given myself the opportunity to branch out and reframe my stubborn thoughts to try something new. Finally.

Tomorrow = 90 Days Sober

I'm wasting time at the end of the work day, waiting for 5:00 pm to hit so I can go get my run on. Tomorrow is my 90th day sober and I'm really so proud to say that.



I can't wait to pick up my 90 day chip at my meeting tomorrow. Anyway, I'm going to have a fantastic day today, tonight, and tomorrow - feel free to celebrate on my behalf!

Treatment Day 5

Well friends, today marks the end of the first week of day treatment. I haven't worked this few hours in well...ever...but I'm more tired than I thought possible from spending my days like this:

• 8:30-8:45: weights (blinded)
• 8:45-9:45: breakfast (2 starches, 1 dairy, 1 fat, and 1 fruit)
• 9:50-11:00: group session
• 11:00-11:15: avoiding snack til caught doing so today (so from now on ... a snack)
• 11:15-12:30: group session
• 12:40-1:30: lunch [misery inducing meals of fruit, dairy, vegetarian entree (potato drowning in cheese and butter, sandwich drowning in cheese, soup and salad drowning in cheese... note to self: don't choose cheese for snack, buy gas-x), dessert]. Woof. 
• 1:30-2:40: group session
• 2:40: snack and freedom

Lots of sitting. Lots of cheese. Exhaustion inducing.

My weight hasn't increased since starting outpatient in December due to maintaining a Nazi exercise routine of 8 miles in the morning, 2 miles with the dog after treatment, and 6 hard miles at night, so it's off to inpatient if I haven't reduced exercise by half and attend an AA meetings by.... Next Wednesday says my therapist. So now I comply despite the fact my stomach no longer works and food comes right back up, a second reminder that this much cheese should be illegal.

This week, a lot has changed for me though, despite little progress on the gaining of weight. My diagnoses are officially Anorexia Nervosa, Depression, Anxiety - a triple threat for someone who's struggled to admit to any problem for the past nine long years. In some ways, it's a relief to see those words on paper, confirming I'm sick enough to be sick. I've wrapped my head around the necessity of eating, my abuse of alcohol, and that my moods are out of whack, depicted by my interpretation of physical manifestation of moods in art therapy (followed by a treatment-mates).

These breakthroughs/progress leave the exercise addiction as the last and most difficult piece of the eating disorder mantra to change. Purging at will is another dangerous habit that obviously must change, but I cannot purge during inpatient hours, and my medication to help prevent reflux should kick in this weekend, so my feelings are optimistic that it's more of an interim consequence.

I look forward to, and am equally terrified of, the freedom afforded by the impending weekend. I have dinners already scheduled for evenings and I spend days with the boy I love who still managed to loves me back. Structure and plans boost my mood and keep me busy and accountable, reducing the likelihood of getting off track. This weekend, I am optimistic about concrete progress during the week and the ability to choose how much cheese I eat.

We don't realize the importance of things until we must forego... coffee, Diet Coke, choice.

Here's to a successful and recoveryfull weekend!