Treatment Day 5

Well friends, today marks the end of the first week of day treatment. I haven't worked this few hours in well...ever...but I'm more tired than I thought possible from spending my days like this:

• 8:30-8:45: weights (blinded)
• 8:45-9:45: breakfast (2 starches, 1 dairy, 1 fat, and 1 fruit)
• 9:50-11:00: group session
• 11:00-11:15: avoiding snack til caught doing so today (so from now on ... a snack)
• 11:15-12:30: group session
• 12:40-1:30: lunch [misery inducing meals of fruit, dairy, vegetarian entree (potato drowning in cheese and butter, sandwich drowning in cheese, soup and salad drowning in cheese... note to self: don't choose cheese for snack, buy gas-x), dessert]. Woof. 
• 1:30-2:40: group session
• 2:40: snack and freedom

Lots of sitting. Lots of cheese. Exhaustion inducing.

My weight hasn't increased since starting outpatient in December due to maintaining a Nazi exercise routine of 8 miles in the morning, 2 miles with the dog after treatment, and 6 hard miles at night, so it's off to inpatient if I haven't reduced exercise by half and attend an AA meetings by.... Next Wednesday says my therapist. So now I comply despite the fact my stomach no longer works and food comes right back up, a second reminder that this much cheese should be illegal.

This week, a lot has changed for me though, despite little progress on the gaining of weight. My diagnoses are officially Anorexia Nervosa, Depression, Anxiety - a triple threat for someone who's struggled to admit to any problem for the past nine long years. In some ways, it's a relief to see those words on paper, confirming I'm sick enough to be sick. I've wrapped my head around the necessity of eating, my abuse of alcohol, and that my moods are out of whack, depicted by my interpretation of physical manifestation of moods in art therapy (followed by a treatment-mates).

These breakthroughs/progress leave the exercise addiction as the last and most difficult piece of the eating disorder mantra to change. Purging at will is another dangerous habit that obviously must change, but I cannot purge during inpatient hours, and my medication to help prevent reflux should kick in this weekend, so my feelings are optimistic that it's more of an interim consequence.

I look forward to, and am equally terrified of, the freedom afforded by the impending weekend. I have dinners already scheduled for evenings and I spend days with the boy I love who still managed to loves me back. Structure and plans boost my mood and keep me busy and accountable, reducing the likelihood of getting off track. This weekend, I am optimistic about concrete progress during the week and the ability to choose how much cheese I eat.

We don't realize the importance of things until we must forego... coffee, Diet Coke, choice.

Here's to a successful and recoveryfull weekend!