Hope

Today has been a perfect day. It's only 5:00 pm, so there's still room for error, but the progress and positivity I feel within myself is as hot as today's 60 degrees in January.

I'm writing this on my smartphone as I walk my pup in shorts and a t-shirt.

I'm not thinking about how many calories I didn't purge today. I'm not thinking about the pounds I inevitably gained from my week long nightmare called binge-purge. I'm looking around me at the beautiful blue, cloudless sky, the buzz of the city, and the fulfillment I've found. 

It's gotta be a combination of the sunny weather, an awesome Sunday with friends yesterday, and a hell of a lot of perspective at treatment today with the addition of two new ladies to our day treatment group, in the throes of a serious and heartbreaking struggle. 

Seeing these young ladies in such isolating and internal pain is difficult for me as an extrovert. I wear my heart on my addicted, self-loathing sleeve, and I find myself with an excellent support system because of my outgoing nature. Treatment is easier for me because I know I'm a Mess with a capital M. I don't know what hurts or what I'm covering up and numbing with my eating disorder and addictions, but I know how to communicate with anyone to figure it out. I was, perhaps, at one time, as closed off and terribly sick as these women, but I can hardly bear to see someone younger than my baby sister refuse to eat, in tears, shaking with fear and anxiety. 

I am so lucky to have chosen treatment and been able to afford it before descending into the depths these girls find themselves. From here on out, I must find it within myself to set the best example I can, pull them out of their shells, and show them how to live. While also showing myself.