Health insurance, medical leave, and making no money

Today was supposed to mark Day 1 of day treatment, but as we all know, plans do not always fall into place accordingly. Low and behold, taking a leave of absence in graduate school (unless you're birthing a child) suspends health insurance. Pretty intuitive when given some thought, but probably not something considered before making the painful, difficult decision to tackle more intense treatment.

The decision to switch to day treatment was not an easy one for me. From the get-go, all of my doctors, therapists, and folks at the treatment center recommended the most intense level of care, but I declined because, well, I can do this myself damnit. Turns out, denial and borderline ignorance served me about as well as it has over the past 9 years.

Surprise!

While I failed outpatient treatment, I've been lucky to have a team willing to be flexible and accommodating with the demands of being a doctoral student, teaching a class, and assembling a dissertation. These are difficult, stressful, anxiety-provoking demands for the average Joe. Add treatment for an eating disorder, substance abuse, and obsessive exercise, and you have Way Too Much On Your Empty Plate.

So, in light of my plate and recommendations from the powers that be of treatment, I will suspend my student stipend for the next two months to just do me. It's scary and disheartening and feels like giving up, but also comes with a sense of freedom, hope, and motivation. 

In light of challenges, I am deciding to see opportunities. I will be too broke to binge eat and purge. I will not be in my office, leaving quality time for just the two of us, me and my dissertation. I will have time to push myself to recover, challenge my thoughts, and develop and indestructible rapport with recovery, including a plan for relapse. 

I will eat. I will run (less), I will live.