Treatment Day 5

Well friends, today marks the end of the first week of day treatment. I haven't worked this few hours in well...ever...but I'm more tired than I thought possible from spending my days like this:

• 8:30-8:45: weights (blinded)
• 8:45-9:45: breakfast (2 starches, 1 dairy, 1 fat, and 1 fruit)
• 9:50-11:00: group session
• 11:00-11:15: avoiding snack til caught doing so today (so from now on ... a snack)
• 11:15-12:30: group session
• 12:40-1:30: lunch [misery inducing meals of fruit, dairy, vegetarian entree (potato drowning in cheese and butter, sandwich drowning in cheese, soup and salad drowning in cheese... note to self: don't choose cheese for snack, buy gas-x), dessert]. Woof. 
• 1:30-2:40: group session
• 2:40: snack and freedom

Lots of sitting. Lots of cheese. Exhaustion inducing.

My weight hasn't increased since starting outpatient in December due to maintaining a Nazi exercise routine of 8 miles in the morning, 2 miles with the dog after treatment, and 6 hard miles at night, so it's off to inpatient if I haven't reduced exercise by half and attend an AA meetings by.... Next Wednesday says my therapist. So now I comply despite the fact my stomach no longer works and food comes right back up, a second reminder that this much cheese should be illegal.

This week, a lot has changed for me though, despite little progress on the gaining of weight. My diagnoses are officially Anorexia Nervosa, Depression, Anxiety - a triple threat for someone who's struggled to admit to any problem for the past nine long years. In some ways, it's a relief to see those words on paper, confirming I'm sick enough to be sick. I've wrapped my head around the necessity of eating, my abuse of alcohol, and that my moods are out of whack, depicted by my interpretation of physical manifestation of moods in art therapy (followed by a treatment-mates).

These breakthroughs/progress leave the exercise addiction as the last and most difficult piece of the eating disorder mantra to change. Purging at will is another dangerous habit that obviously must change, but I cannot purge during inpatient hours, and my medication to help prevent reflux should kick in this weekend, so my feelings are optimistic that it's more of an interim consequence.

I look forward to, and am equally terrified of, the freedom afforded by the impending weekend. I have dinners already scheduled for evenings and I spend days with the boy I love who still managed to loves me back. Structure and plans boost my mood and keep me busy and accountable, reducing the likelihood of getting off track. This weekend, I am optimistic about concrete progress during the week and the ability to choose how much cheese I eat.

We don't realize the importance of things until we must forego... coffee, Diet Coke, choice.

Here's to a successful and recoveryfull weekend!

Hello blogmosphere!

Tomorrow, I start a day treatment program at one of the country's most respected eating disorder treatment centers. Whew, I actually said it, sans freak out.

First of all, I know I am so lucky to have resources, time, and support to undergo this level of treatment. To those of you struggling on your own, I encourage you to reach out to whatever type of support if feasible for your financial, school, work, or living situation. Any help is better than no help. Maybe this blog is a start.

To give you a little history. During the past four weeks, I have participated in an intensive outpatient program at the same center. I received treatment for anorexia binge-purge type, overexercising, and alcohol abuse after experiencing heart palpitations and developing a heart murmur, but still failed to reach goals. I'm a Registered Dietitian and have a Master's Degree in Nutrition, but I cannot seem to practice what I preach. In light of treatment, I am currently taking time off from my doctoral program in, you guessed it, Nutrition.

After 9 years of struggling with myself, it's time to take my health into my own hands, feet, and typing fingers. I'll need a little extra support during this step-up in treatment, so I'm turning to anonymous blogging. Things I hope to accomplish are:

1. Help me.
2. Help you.
3. Recover.

I also hope to tackle my most challenging behavior, a wicked addiction to running and exercise, and turn my obsession with burning calories into talent. While lofty, my goal is to participate in the USATF Women's Open 5K Championship in 2014 and see where I can go after that.

I hope you will follow my journey through recovery and that my words can help you, too. Please leave any positive comments, links, advice, recommendations, questions, etc., and I'm happy to answer.

Best wishes and thoughts.