Productive days are good days

I never imagined how, as a hyperproductive person during the week, unproductive I became on the weekends with my eating disorder and drinking. Days were spent sleeping off hangovers, taking walks for hours, eating and throwing up. It was certainly better in the summer when I could distract myself from hunger and exhaustion by being outside, but I think it's safe to say most weekends from age 19-25 were spent like this.

Today, sober but still teetering on the edge of an eating disorder, I can still experience what weekends are supposed to be like. It's one of the most difficult things I've ever had to attempt, but leaving alcohol and restricting in the past has made me realize how much time, money, and energy I've wasted. It does no good to focus on regrets and wishes about the past, though, so I've made an effort to live in the present.

Which, despite the eating disorder remnants, is pretty damn good. I hope you all choose the present over the past and future, and put yourself and your recovery before everything else!

As usual, I blog while I walk and today, that happens to be in my hood. I went to a new all women AA meeting this morning and it was just what I needed before spending the day cleaning my room for my sister to move in tomorrow. Particularly because I may not have been able to handle the amount of alcohol bottles and food wrappers and containers I've tossed out.

I'll leave you with a picture of a landmark establishment down the skreet from my cozy little apartment. Note to self, come home more and relish in the non-codependent lifestlye of freedom and successful accountability.

AA and being open minded

Its Sunday again - sure seems like the weeks fly by these days.

My 90 day sober-versary came and went on Friday and it mostly seemed like just another day. Except for meeting with my sponsor to start my first step and getting a red chip for 90 days at an AA meeting. The 8pm groups I've been going to are fantastic and the folks are people I genuinely want to be friends with. I've come a long way from scoffing at AA, citing my lack of religion as grounds to dismiss it completely.

Now, I look forward to meetings and events with sober folks. I'm going to an all-day music festival with my sponsor and her group today, and there's no way I could go with my non-sober friends. I can't wait to share my passion, music, with new, sober people. With any other crowd, I would be terrified to have to stay strong during a whole day of drinking and eating fear foods. I would have worried about affecting others' fun by being sober. Not anymore because now I can be selfish and think of myself - make sure I'm having fun.

AA has also humbled me greatly already, made me a more honest and accountable person. At the meeting on Friday, the good-looking guy who keeps asking me to hang out with his group after meetings asked me point blank if I went to rehab to already be at 90 days. I didn't think twice to answer yes, and tell him it was also for an eating disorder. AA allows me to express my most personal secrets to strangers, but strangers I relate to and trust more than most of my closest friends.

I'm so happy I've given myself the opportunity to branch out and reframe my stubborn thoughts to try something new. Finally.

Staying busy

Its Monday, y'all! I just finished my oatmeal and raisin concoction for breakfast and am waiting to lecture to a class of Master's degree seeking students. I find it ironic that I'm lecturing to these kids as a "professional", a dietitian with a master's degree, and a 4th year PhD candidate at a pretty dang good university. But these kids are really my age and older and likely have their lives together much better than the dietitian over here, wondering what she'll have for lunch and if she'll keep it down already.

Somehow, with a raging case of alcoholism and bulimia, restrictive, and over-exercising tendencies, I graduated with a bachelor of science in Nutrition and a minor in psychology in 3 years of undergrad. During my 4th year of school, I managed to finish a combined dietetic internship and master's in public health nutrition. I also managed a bar, working upwards of 25 hours each week. During this time, I was chronically tired, hungry, lonely, and angry at myself for turning into a super functional fuck up. It's fairly well known that the HALT acronym (hungry, angry, tired, loney) nails the triggers for eating disorder behavior, so it's no wonder I was so sick throughout college.

I have only recently understood how important several key ideas are to recovery from pretty much anything. The first idea is to accept help from others. We are often perfectionists, always doing and going and providing, and never cutting our eating disordered selves a break. It's unthinkable to ask for anything, let alone help for a problem. I have learned that recovery is not possible without accepting help from friends, family, support groups, and your team of professionals responsible for taking care of you. The second idea is to relax. You must schedule down time for yourself and you must learn how to do nothing. Whether your down time is spent taking a nap, lounging on the couch, or laying by a pool, it's so so important to make sure you're successful in recovery. Don't underestimate the power of doing nothing!

This brings me back to the reason I'm writing this post. I'm listening to the first lecturer right now and ready to give my portion of the lecture soon, and my mind is begging me for a break. With the conference last week, I worked long hours and only had Sunday to mysef. I need down time and I need it soon! I'm hungrier than usual, more tired on shorter runs, and more irritable than I prefer. These are all signs that I'm pushing too hard right now and even undoing some of the hard work I've put into recovery. So, during this week while P is out of town, I'm going to leave work at the end of my 8.5 hours, not bring anything home to finish, and focus on filling my evenings with rest, support groups like ANAD and AA (both of which I truly enjoy), and a big bunch of nothing.

I think I'm doing a good enough job in eating, exercise, and sobriety that I trust myself with unstructured down time, but I also know I'm prone to slip-ups. But! I have a ton of friends to catch up with this week and a whole dang memoir to write and publish. So I should be a-okay!

I'd love to hear from you readers through comments and/or messages. Who's out there reading my meaningless words? What are your favorite down time activities? I need some new hobbies and welcome your feedback!