(Other people's) Kids help

I'm discovering good influences come in all shapes and sizes. While I want to maintain recovery momentum without the influence of others, I cannot trust myself and myself alone just yet.

Something that's really surprised me on this beach vacation is the impact hanging out with kids can have. My little teammates have been instrumental in getting me through this week so far and the best part is, they're so oblivious about what's going on. While the adults drink on the beach, we collect shells and string together jewelry. When I want to leave a lot of food on my dinner plate, I see an 8-year old watching me with reverence. When I want to skip breakfast, I see the plate of fresh fruit prepared by that same 8-year old, up since 7:36 am, and who am I to say no?

It's amazing how comfortable I am with my afternoon snack of homemade trail mix, hand picked with input from my girls. Of course, it's delicious, and knowing I made this with a little girl who would never expect me to be afraid of eating it, nevertheless throw it up, helps me tremendously. Considering others actually helps me.

And now for the trail mix (granola, banana chips, raisins, craisins, cashews, and walnuts) and, of course, a mug o' joe.

Prioritize recovery

Happy Memorial Day! It's a beautiful long weekend to spend in the beaches of North Carolina for sure. P's awesome (sober) sister arrived this morning and the energy is great. I finally have a sober comrade, besides the dope little 2 and 8-year old nieces.

Most importantly, I'm feeling so damn good and positive here with this family. I think it's because they are so much like me. They have issues, and they're real about it. P's mom and I had a 30 minute conversation this morning about therapy and the grief counseling group she goes to. My dad, on the other hand, cries about his failure as a parent because both his girls take meds and have therapists. Earth to papa - our way of denying problems to project that I'm fine, got none of us nowhere.

On account of realizing how much I love feeling well, connecting with fine folks, and taking it easy, I decided to let myself stay an extra day. I'm choosing to prioritize myself and my well-being over school and work that can, in reality, be done right here on this beach. I have never placed myself, my significant other, and/or my family over school and work success, but it's time to start taking advantage of people and places that impact me in a positive way.

I'm happy to be here. And today, I'm happy to be me, and not this guy...

Excited about food

There's something about taking time away from your normal routine that eliminates the usual urgency and anxiety of life. On vacation with P's family, great folks that I've only spent one weekend with before now, I do not feel the self-imposed pressure or rigidity that normally suffocates my recovery.

Instead, I wake up and run and then slow down for the rest of the day. I do not feel compelled to run more or exercise, and walk only for enjoyment. I eat what I want, when I want and do not want to purge. I have no feelings of needing to prove myself by living up to the bar I set so high that nobody would reasonably expect anyway. I feel at peace with myself and with this family.

Is it the time away from work? Is it my recovery finally kicking in? What's making the difference here? Perhaps it's the perspective I gain in examining how my behaviors would appear those I want to make a good impression on. I do find that once I feel comfortable around a person, I don't care if they think I'm crazy. I don't care that they hear me purge, see me walk for miles, or know that plate full of salad is restriction.

Instead, I'm on my best behavior. But because I am not overexercising, I am not purging, I am not worried about my body in a bikini or what people will think about the amount of peanuts I eat, I do not have urges. I don't want to purge, I want to eat. I am excited to plan what's for dinner tonight and find myself anticipating the proposed sea bass and asparagus. I do not restrict today because of the bite of steak I tried and P's sweet potato I finished last night. I just, do not. And by not doing, I'm doing so much.

I'm happy here. And it's a feeling I haven't had in a long time.

Vacation 2.0

The last vacation I took a month or so ago didn't exactly go off with a bang. I was really disappointed that even going to the beach, something I love more than anything, could be hard for me.

With a solid foundation of progress though, I feel great this time. I'm here with P's family and while I get the sense they all have their reservations about crazy Cakies as P calls me, I am having a great time. We arrived yesterday after midnight and slept in late today so I'm well rested, well fed, and feeling like this is where I belong.

We've spent all day at the beach this morning and afternoon, and I'm the lone ranger here now. I just took a short beach walk and feel a certain sense of calm that I rarely ever feel in a bikini. I think I'm finally letting go of my body image issues and realizing that every blemish, hair, and stretch mark is unique, not sometime to take care of. If I can continue learning to love my body, perhaps I can continue to love myself.

We're here until Tuesday and my goals are to (or course) stay sober and not purge a single time. So far, so good!

Happy memorial day weekend, y'all!

Easter Revelation

It's beautiful in the great city of Atlanta today, and a wonderful day to celebrate two holidays, Easter and 4/20. I have yet to partake in any activities celebrating either of these occasions, but I may rally for a smoke and an egg hunt, in the name of recovery of course.

On a more serious note, this post is dedicated to exploring the struggles I've experienced over the past few days. I miraculously managed to get 3 days off my demanding school/work, and P and I joined 5 friends on a beach vacation. I had been so excited about the time off and the opportunity to continue the progress in P and my relationship, and it wasn't until days before the trip that I began to consider my readiness.

The crew at the beach was rowdy - drinking and drugs - and prone to eatinf whatever the hell they want (though I've gathered this is a quality among normal individuals). I love the beach so I wasn't extraordinarily worried about sobriety, but we literally had rainy, windy weather the entire time. I survived the first few days with a morning 6 mile run and a lot of reading. P and the entire crew were great, quick to express support and make me a virgin anything. No one questioned my health-conscious eating or, as the days passed, lack of.

By the last two days, my willpower was shot. Rainy beach walks and trips into town while everyone else, well, tripped, couldn't contain my anxiety, compounded by the pressure I felt in every you're doing so well! statement. I spend the last night of the trip binging and purging outside. Peter caught me, and then again last night after we'd arrived home, and while I didn't lie, I was horribly embarrassed.

Vacations are meant to reset, but I've learned my lesson about assuming I'm recovered, not in recovery. I'm still doing too much, too soon and I have to get back on track. I've chosen to stay in the danger zone most of today, running 6 miles, eating only oatmel so far, and now walking 4 miles because the weather is just gorgeous and it's the weekend and a holiday! But I feel my body responding so I'm determined to finish my walk and visit my favorite coffee shop for a hot peppermint tea to help my aching throat and whatever the hell coffee shop treat I want. Followed by an AA meeting,  substantial dinner with my boyfriendx and sincere amends and let him know I promise to get back on track.

Happy Easter Sunday and/or 4/20. Make it your goal today to get back on the path to recovery and health if you're off track. Best wishes!