Excited about food

There's something about taking time away from your normal routine that eliminates the usual urgency and anxiety of life. On vacation with P's family, great folks that I've only spent one weekend with before now, I do not feel the self-imposed pressure or rigidity that normally suffocates my recovery.

Instead, I wake up and run and then slow down for the rest of the day. I do not feel compelled to run more or exercise, and walk only for enjoyment. I eat what I want, when I want and do not want to purge. I have no feelings of needing to prove myself by living up to the bar I set so high that nobody would reasonably expect anyway. I feel at peace with myself and with this family.

Is it the time away from work? Is it my recovery finally kicking in? What's making the difference here? Perhaps it's the perspective I gain in examining how my behaviors would appear those I want to make a good impression on. I do find that once I feel comfortable around a person, I don't care if they think I'm crazy. I don't care that they hear me purge, see me walk for miles, or know that plate full of salad is restriction.

Instead, I'm on my best behavior. But because I am not overexercising, I am not purging, I am not worried about my body in a bikini or what people will think about the amount of peanuts I eat, I do not have urges. I don't want to purge, I want to eat. I am excited to plan what's for dinner tonight and find myself anticipating the proposed sea bass and asparagus. I do not restrict today because of the bite of steak I tried and P's sweet potato I finished last night. I just, do not. And by not doing, I'm doing so much.

I'm happy here. And it's a feeling I haven't had in a long time.