Confronting other issues in recovery

The more I meet with my therapist, the more apparent it becomes that I have a lot of work to do completely unrelated to calories, weight, exercise, and alcohol. I've never really been one to buy into psychotherapy and deep-seeded issues and the like, but as my perspective on my eating disorder is changing, I'm realizing it really is so so much more than food.

One of my main issues is not knowing how to ask for what I want or need. I always try to be as independent as possible, never needing anything from anyone. I'm the flexible friend you can take anywhere, the girlfriend that caters to your every need while forcing a smile, the graduate student that can't say no. I'm not sure if it's some immature fear of rejection or not being the best at everything, but living life for others is way too exhausting.

I've also discovered I am not comfortable expressing what I perceive as negative emotions like anger, sadness, and disappointment. I shove these feelings deep down inside of me and don't let myself acknowledge they exist. I think this is another manifestation of my extreme perfectionism and need to please others, but it's definitely something that has to change.

For example, yesterday I took a huge step in asking my boyfriend, P, to call me in the evening so I could have something to look forward to and a reason to keep myself from purging. P left for an out of town trip yesterday and though he's only gone through tomorrow, I wanted to be fine on my own to reassure myself I'll be okay next week when he's gone again Monday through Friday. Anyway, I came home after work to let his dog out, instead of my usual routine of running right after work. He hadn't texted or contacted me all day and when I walked into his apartment, I was pretty disappointed to find very clear evidence that he and his work friends had drank a lot before heading to the airport. Two bottles of liquor (not empty) and many shot glasses were sitting right on the kitchen counter to welcome me.

Now I should have reached out for support immediately. I should have expressed my disappointment which turned into anger when I hadn't heard from P by 10 pm. I understand he's on a work field trip, but I needed him, or someone to express my struggles. Instead, I binged and purged everything I consumed that evening.

This can't happen again or I have to at least recognize my feelings and address them before they send me into a tailspin. I'm hoping for a much better day today or I may have to discuss other options for next week with P. My morning walk and blog has definitely made me feel better though, so thanks for being my ear, blogmosphere!