Confronting other issues in recovery

The more I meet with my therapist, the more apparent it becomes that I have a lot of work to do completely unrelated to calories, weight, exercise, and alcohol. I've never really been one to buy into psychotherapy and deep-seeded issues and the like, but as my perspective on my eating disorder is changing, I'm realizing it really is so so much more than food.

One of my main issues is not knowing how to ask for what I want or need. I always try to be as independent as possible, never needing anything from anyone. I'm the flexible friend you can take anywhere, the girlfriend that caters to your every need while forcing a smile, the graduate student that can't say no. I'm not sure if it's some immature fear of rejection or not being the best at everything, but living life for others is way too exhausting.

I've also discovered I am not comfortable expressing what I perceive as negative emotions like anger, sadness, and disappointment. I shove these feelings deep down inside of me and don't let myself acknowledge they exist. I think this is another manifestation of my extreme perfectionism and need to please others, but it's definitely something that has to change.

For example, yesterday I took a huge step in asking my boyfriend, P, to call me in the evening so I could have something to look forward to and a reason to keep myself from purging. P left for an out of town trip yesterday and though he's only gone through tomorrow, I wanted to be fine on my own to reassure myself I'll be okay next week when he's gone again Monday through Friday. Anyway, I came home after work to let his dog out, instead of my usual routine of running right after work. He hadn't texted or contacted me all day and when I walked into his apartment, I was pretty disappointed to find very clear evidence that he and his work friends had drank a lot before heading to the airport. Two bottles of liquor (not empty) and many shot glasses were sitting right on the kitchen counter to welcome me.

Now I should have reached out for support immediately. I should have expressed my disappointment which turned into anger when I hadn't heard from P by 10 pm. I understand he's on a work field trip, but I needed him, or someone to express my struggles. Instead, I binged and purged everything I consumed that evening.

This can't happen again or I have to at least recognize my feelings and address them before they send me into a tailspin. I'm hoping for a much better day today or I may have to discuss other options for next week with P. My morning walk and blog has definitely made me feel better though, so thanks for being my ear, blogmosphere!

Easter Revelation

It's beautiful in the great city of Atlanta today, and a wonderful day to celebrate two holidays, Easter and 4/20. I have yet to partake in any activities celebrating either of these occasions, but I may rally for a smoke and an egg hunt, in the name of recovery of course.

On a more serious note, this post is dedicated to exploring the struggles I've experienced over the past few days. I miraculously managed to get 3 days off my demanding school/work, and P and I joined 5 friends on a beach vacation. I had been so excited about the time off and the opportunity to continue the progress in P and my relationship, and it wasn't until days before the trip that I began to consider my readiness.

The crew at the beach was rowdy - drinking and drugs - and prone to eatinf whatever the hell they want (though I've gathered this is a quality among normal individuals). I love the beach so I wasn't extraordinarily worried about sobriety, but we literally had rainy, windy weather the entire time. I survived the first few days with a morning 6 mile run and a lot of reading. P and the entire crew were great, quick to express support and make me a virgin anything. No one questioned my health-conscious eating or, as the days passed, lack of.

By the last two days, my willpower was shot. Rainy beach walks and trips into town while everyone else, well, tripped, couldn't contain my anxiety, compounded by the pressure I felt in every you're doing so well! statement. I spend the last night of the trip binging and purging outside. Peter caught me, and then again last night after we'd arrived home, and while I didn't lie, I was horribly embarrassed.

Vacations are meant to reset, but I've learned my lesson about assuming I'm recovered, not in recovery. I'm still doing too much, too soon and I have to get back on track. I've chosen to stay in the danger zone most of today, running 6 miles, eating only oatmel so far, and now walking 4 miles because the weather is just gorgeous and it's the weekend and a holiday! But I feel my body responding so I'm determined to finish my walk and visit my favorite coffee shop for a hot peppermint tea to help my aching throat and whatever the hell coffee shop treat I want. Followed by an AA meeting,  substantial dinner with my boyfriendx and sincere amends and let him know I promise to get back on track.

Happy Easter Sunday and/or 4/20. Make it your goal today to get back on the path to recovery and health if you're off track. Best wishes!

Tips to reduce the binge/purge urge

Snow day alert! This means two important things. The boyfriend's white dog looks brown and I have a whole day to blog and reflect!

Today, I want to focus on several tips we discussed yesterday at treatment to reduce the urge and ability to binge and purge. Since this topic hits very close to home for me as an Anorexic binge-purge type, I was really interested in the discussion and hope to provide some helpful hints to anyone who may suffer from bulimia or is prone to binging and purging.

I've discussed briefly in several previous posts how triggering the process of weight gain and eating a lot of calories is to my binge/purge habit. Yesterday, sitting on the couch with P, I delved a little deeper into my binge/purge issues. I told him I didn't want to open a bag of mixed nuts in the kitchen on account of I'd want to eat the whole thing. He laughed and said, that's what you should be doing! It certainly makes sense to someone who doesn't know the extent of the problem and only knows you need to gain weight to eat a lot of something with a lot of calories. 

Unfortunately, eating an entire bag of mixed nuts, calories aside, would not work for me. It's practicing the binging I'm so prone to, and also not practicing self-control and preventing the loss of control feeling associated with binging and purging. Instead, I need to learn to listen to the new hunger and fullness cues that I've been experiencing through treatment. Hunger cues are wonderful and I'm actually excited to be writing this blog at 11:20 am (after having breakfast around 7:00 am), and feeling hungry again already, without having exercised. I feel comfortable relying on them to accurately instruct my body on how much I need. In the beginning of treatment, I was never hungry, though I'm not sure if this was my eating disorder or my half-starved body speaking. Regardless, this is no longer the case, and a huge achievement for me. 

For those of us prone to binging and purging, binging, or purging through self-induced vomiting, here are some of the tips to reduce or prevent these urges. Some are very small, but may have some impact on your process to recovery, even if just preventing an episode for 15 minutes. 

Preventing the opportunity to binge/purge

• Identify what time of day and what situations you are most prone to binge/purge.
• Plan activities, outings, events, anything to keep you busy for every 15 minute increment during this vulnerable time.
• Schedule someone to be with you at all times. Do not let them let you out of their sight.
• Choose an accountability partner. Take them to the grocery with you while shopping, or go alone but take a certain amount of money that won't allot purchase of binge food, or provide your accountability partner with all receipts.

Preventing the urge to binge/purge

• Wear a ring(s) on fingers you use to self-induce. This very simple trick has helped me tremendously.
• When you feel the urge, sit with it for 15 minutes. The feeling can subside if we use mindfulness, deep breathing, meditation, relaxation, etc in these 15 minutes and you may feel less of an urge.
• Get online and read a recovery blog like this one. Or check out a Youtube channel like Kati Morton, an excellent and free resource.
• Listen to my recovery playlist or make your own.
• Think of the consequences of your actions on yourself, on others (significant other, family, kids), on your recovery, on your long-term goals.

Keeping yourself safe if you do binge and/or purge

• If you slip up and binge, do not purge. This sounds crazy to me at this point, but it's something I've considered if I have another slip up. If you don't purge, even once, following a binge, your body will feel so uncomfortable you may not ever want to binge again.
• If you do purge (and I am certainly NOT promoting this behavior at all), please replenish your body of lost electrolytes immediately after. Drink pedialyte, gatorade, powerade, or another electrolyte containing beverage as soon as possible. Stay hydrated. 
• Reach out to a friend or your treatment team. Stay safe. 

I hope some of these tips are useful if you're struggling with urges. It's SO difficult to overcome, but you can do it. Today marks one week of being binge/purge free for me - the longest streak I've had since this disease set in many years ago. I think that calls for a snow day celebration!

Accountability

I've had three awesome days this week. Then today - Thursday, day 4 of treatment this week. day 4 of no purging at all. Also, the one year anniversary of meeting my boyfriend. Our dateversary. Hopes are high. We're eating dinner out tonight. I'm excited, not nervous. All is wonderful. Treatment Is Working.

Reality.

My cell phone died in the middle of the night and my 6:40 am alarm did not go off. I wake up to my boyfriend's alarm at 9:00 am, a full 30 minutes after I'm supposed to be at the treatment center. It takes over 45 minutes to drive there, and I'm still completely uncomfortable with the amount of food we're required to eat throughout the day unless I've run at least 6 miles first.

Panic.

What to do? Go in late? Make up an excuse? Do I still need to go to treatment? I can eat on my own. Maybe I'll stop going to treatment, back to school. Back to life. I'm fine. I'm healing. I'm good. Quit treatment. My phone dies and I wake up a little late, and this is where I end up. I don't need to be in treatment anymore. Red flag perhaps?

So.

I ride the wave of motivation and a very successful streak and call the treatment center. I won't make it today. I tell myself, I'll be totally fine on my own all day, alone from 9:30-6:00. I am out of bed as my boyfriend leaves for work at 9:30 am. I feel great. I can do this. It is easy for me to eat and not purge at treatment, so it will be easy today, too.

Today.

I go to the grocery store for chai tea mix. I'm addicted to it and I'm out. I withstand the first urge to buy food to eat and purge. Then, an exciting task. I go to Lowe's and make a duplicate key to my boyfriend's apartment. He has suggested this, and it makes me very happy. I drive home. Make a chai latte. I wait to have breakfast til noon. Oatmeal, splenda, peanuts, more 45 calorie per 1.5 cup serving of chai latte. I forget the chai latte makes purging easy peasy. Perhaps I do not forget this at all. Too much liquid with food so I have to purge aaaaaaaaaaaaand.... the familiar story beings. I spend most of my dateversary eating my boyfriend's food... powdered donuts, oatmeal, pancake batter, peanut butter crackers, pop tarts, chips and hummus, cereal... and throwing it up. Buying more. Throwing it up.

I take a 6 mile walk mid-day. Come home empty and famished. More. I regain control again by late afternoon, nap for an hour, go to the gym down the street. 9 more miles. 15 on the day.

I come home from the gym to an excited boyfriend, who actually gives a shit that we've been together for a whole year, and find flowers and thoughtful gifts. He asks, jokingly, if I ate a whole bag of powdered donuts because he notices the brand on the bag is different than it was when he left for work. I am caught. I confess. He's mostly unaware that my eating disorder sometimes involves eating 5,000-10,000 calories over a short period of time and throwing them all up.

What does he think? It's actually not a big deal at all. He does not think I'm completely crazy. He accepts me no matter what. Back on track. Incentive to get better. I love him and what we have and I cannot fall into the trap of purging. I cannot waste my days shoveling food into my mouth - food that burns me because it's too hot, food that's past its expiration date, food that's been left out over night, food that no one else would ever think about eating, food that I don't even like. I cannot waste more time hunched over the toilet. I cannot waste more life like this.

Another slip up. But dealt with in honesty, acceptance, and the viewpoint that this will happen and it won't mean I'm not making progress. I will go to treatment tomorrow, I will be honest and accountable with my boyfriend, my family, my therapists, my treatment-mates. And someday, when this is all said and done, I will be able to eat two or three powdered donuts on the 1-year anniversary of meeting the best person in the world, the person I could see myself with forever, and have it be just that. Donuts. Food. Fuel. Life.