Going public

Today, in light of 60 days of sobriety, a lot of hard work, and my struggles as of late, I decided to post about my eating disorder and sobriety on Facebook. Most people I've known well over the years have an idea about my disordered eating, but it feels incredibly awesome to come clean and hear from close friends from the past. I've also received several surprises in the form of messages and support from friends and family who have also dealt with, or are dealing with, eating disorders or substance abuse.

Most importantly, a younger girl who attends the summer camp my research group organizes each summer messaged me for more information about the Renfrew Center. If I can inspire one person to get help, I've been successful in my own journey to help others find and maintain recovery.

Tips to reduce the binge/purge urge

Snow day alert! This means two important things. The boyfriend's white dog looks brown and I have a whole day to blog and reflect!

Today, I want to focus on several tips we discussed yesterday at treatment to reduce the urge and ability to binge and purge. Since this topic hits very close to home for me as an Anorexic binge-purge type, I was really interested in the discussion and hope to provide some helpful hints to anyone who may suffer from bulimia or is prone to binging and purging.

I've discussed briefly in several previous posts how triggering the process of weight gain and eating a lot of calories is to my binge/purge habit. Yesterday, sitting on the couch with P, I delved a little deeper into my binge/purge issues. I told him I didn't want to open a bag of mixed nuts in the kitchen on account of I'd want to eat the whole thing. He laughed and said, that's what you should be doing! It certainly makes sense to someone who doesn't know the extent of the problem and only knows you need to gain weight to eat a lot of something with a lot of calories. 

Unfortunately, eating an entire bag of mixed nuts, calories aside, would not work for me. It's practicing the binging I'm so prone to, and also not practicing self-control and preventing the loss of control feeling associated with binging and purging. Instead, I need to learn to listen to the new hunger and fullness cues that I've been experiencing through treatment. Hunger cues are wonderful and I'm actually excited to be writing this blog at 11:20 am (after having breakfast around 7:00 am), and feeling hungry again already, without having exercised. I feel comfortable relying on them to accurately instruct my body on how much I need. In the beginning of treatment, I was never hungry, though I'm not sure if this was my eating disorder or my half-starved body speaking. Regardless, this is no longer the case, and a huge achievement for me. 

For those of us prone to binging and purging, binging, or purging through self-induced vomiting, here are some of the tips to reduce or prevent these urges. Some are very small, but may have some impact on your process to recovery, even if just preventing an episode for 15 minutes. 

Preventing the opportunity to binge/purge

• Identify what time of day and what situations you are most prone to binge/purge.
• Plan activities, outings, events, anything to keep you busy for every 15 minute increment during this vulnerable time.
• Schedule someone to be with you at all times. Do not let them let you out of their sight.
• Choose an accountability partner. Take them to the grocery with you while shopping, or go alone but take a certain amount of money that won't allot purchase of binge food, or provide your accountability partner with all receipts.

Preventing the urge to binge/purge

• Wear a ring(s) on fingers you use to self-induce. This very simple trick has helped me tremendously.
• When you feel the urge, sit with it for 15 minutes. The feeling can subside if we use mindfulness, deep breathing, meditation, relaxation, etc in these 15 minutes and you may feel less of an urge.
• Get online and read a recovery blog like this one. Or check out a Youtube channel like Kati Morton, an excellent and free resource.
• Listen to my recovery playlist or make your own.
• Think of the consequences of your actions on yourself, on others (significant other, family, kids), on your recovery, on your long-term goals.

Keeping yourself safe if you do binge and/or purge

• If you slip up and binge, do not purge. This sounds crazy to me at this point, but it's something I've considered if I have another slip up. If you don't purge, even once, following a binge, your body will feel so uncomfortable you may not ever want to binge again.
• If you do purge (and I am certainly NOT promoting this behavior at all), please replenish your body of lost electrolytes immediately after. Drink pedialyte, gatorade, powerade, or another electrolyte containing beverage as soon as possible. Stay hydrated. 
• Reach out to a friend or your treatment team. Stay safe. 

I hope some of these tips are useful if you're struggling with urges. It's SO difficult to overcome, but you can do it. Today marks one week of being binge/purge free for me - the longest streak I've had since this disease set in many years ago. I think that calls for a snow day celebration!

Support is all around you

Today has been up and down and sideways and backwards and forwards and all around. It's almost hard to believe it's the same day that started off with such a strong 6.5 mile run at 6:55 am.

At treatment, I've found meal plan B to be do-able. Boosts, on the other hand, are certainly going to take some getting used to. Today, I managed to forgo Boost until afternoon snack which occurs immediately before departing, thus problematic to say the least to a prolimic. Particularly one keen on purging liquids. Chug Boost, say goodbyes, bring Boost (with most of today's lunch of cheesey, buttery, broccoli baked potato and apple) right back up in a gas station bathroom.

I cannot let this happen regularly, or at all moving forward.Today was too much at once... a bump up in the meal plan, the addition of Boosts, a baked potato lunch that racks up a whopping 1300 calories without butter, and a number to the goal weight - 115. Woof.

Regardless of the major fail after treatment, I can pick myself up and recognize that several important, positive things also happened.

1. My individual therapist commended my progress and let me know the treatment team will be discussing how I progress from here - if it's nearing time to bump back down to outpatient. Finger's crossed here.
2. Masks today in art therapy! Behold the transformation from Vaseline face to mask! 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
3. After treatment, I met with the director of one of my doctoral programs (I'm in two - Nutrition and Health Sciences is my "home" program, and also Molecules to Mankind, geared to those interested in translational research). Anyway, the director responded to an email I sent announcing that I'm taking a leave of absence from school and voiced concern. It became clear through our correspondence that she's also suffered from disordered eating for years. She's also an overexerciser. We chatted for an hour over coffee and I feel like I've gained a great source of support, knowledge, and experience. 

Steps backward seem to be accompanied by small steps forward at this point. If the weight gain is the only barrier between staying in day treatment and bumping down to outpatient, I'm just going to have to suck it up. Here's to a better tomorrow and no more baked potatoes for a long, long time.