Real talk

On Wednesday, Peter and I broke up. I'm not sure how I'm still sober or how long it will last, but I'm giving it my best shot.

Update: I started this post yesterday after locking my keys in my car and finding out one of my best friends and co-workers is pregnant. I felt a huge sense of failure and while I am still very sad and regretful about losing P, I feel much better today. I understand that post-breakups have their ups and downs, but I'm on the up right now and want to focus on that.

The breakup happened right after we got back from vacation. Neither of us expected it or were planning it, but as we fought most of the car ride home, I think we both realized how many underlying issues there are beneath the already volatile surface of our relationship. We both love each other and make each other happier than miserable, but there is a general incompatibility that we've known from the start. He is much more low key and happy with doing nothing while I will always want to be on the go and busy - especially in sobriety.

I want to stay friends with P because we do have a blast together and everyone loves our dynamic. I'm certainly going to let time pass before easing into a friendship though, because he hurt me pretty bad by saying he doesn't see us ever taking a next step. After about a year and a half, I'm glad he's thinking about long-term, instead of simply being happy to be with someone for companionship now.

I argued and cried so much at first, pled for forgiveness, and apologized profusely for my mood swings, stubbornness, and doubt of his feelings for me. But now, as I relish in my newfound independence, I think this is the best thing for me. I have to learn to live for myself, by myself, instead of finding one codependent relationship after another. I'm going to go steady with myself for a while.

My sister being in Atlanta has been a godsend. I'm not sure how I would have handled this without her ear to listen and her overwhelming and unwavering support. To thank her, I've put together a surprise birthday present for her 20th birthday tomorrow. It made me so happy to do something for someone I know cares about me regardless of my mood and current situation in life. Happy birthday kid sister!