(Other people's) Kids help

I'm discovering good influences come in all shapes and sizes. While I want to maintain recovery momentum without the influence of others, I cannot trust myself and myself alone just yet.

Something that's really surprised me on this beach vacation is the impact hanging out with kids can have. My little teammates have been instrumental in getting me through this week so far and the best part is, they're so oblivious about what's going on. While the adults drink on the beach, we collect shells and string together jewelry. When I want to leave a lot of food on my dinner plate, I see an 8-year old watching me with reverence. When I want to skip breakfast, I see the plate of fresh fruit prepared by that same 8-year old, up since 7:36 am, and who am I to say no?

It's amazing how comfortable I am with my afternoon snack of homemade trail mix, hand picked with input from my girls. Of course, it's delicious, and knowing I made this with a little girl who would never expect me to be afraid of eating it, nevertheless throw it up, helps me tremendously. Considering others actually helps me.

And now for the trail mix (granola, banana chips, raisins, craisins, cashews, and walnuts) and, of course, a mug o' joe.

Family

I have a 19 year old "little" sister who just moved to Atlanta for the summer this weekend. She's only been here two full days, but I already feel closer to her and less like a mess overall.

Sis is a division 1 college swimmer and one heck of an athlete. She's also not an alcoholic and does not have an eating disorder, to my knowledge. I am 7 years older than my sister, so we've never had anything like an adult friendship throughout our life. I'm hoping now that both of our issues are out in the open, we can really help each other in our respective recoveries.

The reason my sister moved down to Atlanta for the summer is to escape from a bad breakup. I am one to talk, but I certainly don't advocate for running from your problems. I know I use my eating disorder, exercise, and alcohol abuse to numb my problems away, but that gets you nowhere. I fear that she's using the same strategy of avoidance to sweep her issues under the table, ignore them for a while, and hope they resolve. I'm at somewhat of a loss in knowing how to help her, especially given the fact that P pointed out she ran away from her life to me.

A me who can't get her own life together and is a far cry from stable. I do feel an innate sense of responsibility to be strong for her though. To set a good example. To be the older sister for once. I know that my head in a toilet is not the example I am shooting for.

I'm so happy she's here though, and in some way I suspect she's also here to keep me in line. That's the first display of real care and concern from anyone in my family, outside of money and words. Kudos to her for having the courage to step outside of her life and integrate into mine.