Over-exercising

My mom was in town for the weekend and while it was great to see her (I hadn't since before going to rehab), a lot of issues tend to come up.

She's a compulsive exerciser like me and doesn't seem to recognize it as a problem at all. She's around 110 pounds at 5'4", but looks very underweight for her age. While she does eat, she runs 4 miles, plays hours of tennis, and takes an exercise class every day. Unfortunately, I'm afraid my parents don't get how their behavior may inflence their kids, and that it inevitably does.

Yesterday, mama didn't say anything about me not eating breakfast til 2 pm, running and then walking several miles with her. I dont know if I was testing her to see if she'd say anything or simply putting on the old competition hat and needing to always do more than her.

I hate this competitive nature. Especially now that I'm owning up to it as a possibility for why I ran 4 miles this morning and just ran 2 and am walking 3 more as soon as she left. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's the only action I've found that reduces the horrible amount of anxiety that's built up over this weekend.

At least the view from my walk is lovely.

Family time

Sometimes my family drives me nuts, but sometimes they truly save me from myself. As I'm trying to put my life back together after all that's happened this year - from taking a medical leave from my gradute program, to treatment, to sobriety, to the recent breakup - they've been so important.

Especially my sister who is currently sharing my apartment. She keeps me honest and accountable in a way that is much more productive to me learning how to keep myself accountable. I settled into a routine with P that was completely codependent and left me worse off really.

I'm simply glad to be where I am today - laying in the grass at Piedmont Park with my sister and mom - than almost anywhere else.

Happy weekend!

Prioritize recovery

Happy Memorial Day! It's a beautiful long weekend to spend in the beaches of North Carolina for sure. P's awesome (sober) sister arrived this morning and the energy is great. I finally have a sober comrade, besides the dope little 2 and 8-year old nieces.

Most importantly, I'm feeling so damn good and positive here with this family. I think it's because they are so much like me. They have issues, and they're real about it. P's mom and I had a 30 minute conversation this morning about therapy and the grief counseling group she goes to. My dad, on the other hand, cries about his failure as a parent because both his girls take meds and have therapists. Earth to papa - our way of denying problems to project that I'm fine, got none of us nowhere.

On account of realizing how much I love feeling well, connecting with fine folks, and taking it easy, I decided to let myself stay an extra day. I'm choosing to prioritize myself and my well-being over school and work that can, in reality, be done right here on this beach. I have never placed myself, my significant other, and/or my family over school and work success, but it's time to start taking advantage of people and places that impact me in a positive way.

I'm happy to be here. And today, I'm happy to be me, and not this guy...

Family

I have a 19 year old "little" sister who just moved to Atlanta for the summer this weekend. She's only been here two full days, but I already feel closer to her and less like a mess overall.

Sis is a division 1 college swimmer and one heck of an athlete. She's also not an alcoholic and does not have an eating disorder, to my knowledge. I am 7 years older than my sister, so we've never had anything like an adult friendship throughout our life. I'm hoping now that both of our issues are out in the open, we can really help each other in our respective recoveries.

The reason my sister moved down to Atlanta for the summer is to escape from a bad breakup. I am one to talk, but I certainly don't advocate for running from your problems. I know I use my eating disorder, exercise, and alcohol abuse to numb my problems away, but that gets you nowhere. I fear that she's using the same strategy of avoidance to sweep her issues under the table, ignore them for a while, and hope they resolve. I'm at somewhat of a loss in knowing how to help her, especially given the fact that P pointed out she ran away from her life to me.

A me who can't get her own life together and is a far cry from stable. I do feel an innate sense of responsibility to be strong for her though. To set a good example. To be the older sister for once. I know that my head in a toilet is not the example I am shooting for.

I'm so happy she's here though, and in some way I suspect she's also here to keep me in line. That's the first display of real care and concern from anyone in my family, outside of money and words. Kudos to her for having the courage to step outside of her life and integrate into mine.