Aaaaaaacountability

I've been thinking a lot today about how to hold myself accountable when I'm on my own.

I've almost decided to start questioning if P and I should be together right now (or if I should be with anyone during this stage of my recovery). If I'm going to make the choice to be single and lose the extra support of having a partner to spend nights and free time with, I have to make sure I'm fully dedicated to myself. Relying only on myself might actually make things more exciting, independent, and... easier? I love P, but it's not fair to ask for his support through this. I'm also realizing my needs are changing with my changes in recovery/sobriety and what may have seemed great may not be exactly what I want now.

Anyway, I'm going to start posting about my plans for each day. That way, I will be accountable to readers to follow through with plans through pictures, blog posts, etc. Today, I'm going to work until 5:00 pm (and no later!), go for my 45 minute run, then head home to let Lula out. Here's where the fun part comes in...

The neighborhood farmer's market is open this evening until 8:00 pm! I'm planning on walking Lula over to the market and picking out the ingredients to make dinner! I love cooking and I love looking for healthy dinner recipes, so this plan has put me in a great and excited mood.

I'm currently deciding between two things for dinner: a cucumber sandwich or something slightly different, mushroom and spinach stuffed eggplant.

 

  

I'm super excited to check out the farmer's market and make a decision on the spot based on what I'm hungry for and what ingredients are available. I'm also planning on purchasing a special treat for dessert. We'll see what my options are later!

Lingering ED Thoughts

Lunch today.

I can feel eating disorder thoughts and anxieties lingering, particularly in certain situations. Anytime I have control of the situation, from when I get to exercise and how much to preparing my own food, I am okay. As soon as I lose that element of control though, I slip.

I went to Publix to get my usual lunch yesterday and it was a very revealing experience. I always order a veggie wrap from their deli and each of the deli gals makes the wrap a little differently. Apparently this little difference is still enough to displease the ol eating disorder.

The extremely nice lady who made my wrap started by adding way too much mayo. It's a big triumph for me to even consider full-fat mayo on anything, so I experienced an actual physiological response to my lack of control over how much was added to my food. Next, she added too many slices of cheese, more than my usual, safe 2 measly triangles. At this point, I couldn't contain my facial expressions or body language expressing my anxiety as she continued to add too much of everything. The olives sent me overboard and I actually made a snide comment to this poor woman.

Because she was really doing me a two-fold favor - providing ingredients in higher quantites than standard, and providing me with a challenge to actually eat somethin normal, substantial, and not pre-determined as safe.

I've felt horrible that I've slipped in recover enough that it's affecting my daily routine, my work and personal relationships, and now even my interactions with total strangers. Luckily, I've been able to hash out what's going on with my backslide as of late with my therapist and I'll include our plan im my next post!

Hang in there folks, it's almost Friday. And don't forget to be nice to the Publix deli folks who really have your best interests at heart anyway!