Aaaaaaacountability

I've been thinking a lot today about how to hold myself accountable when I'm on my own.

I've almost decided to start questioning if P and I should be together right now (or if I should be with anyone during this stage of my recovery). If I'm going to make the choice to be single and lose the extra support of having a partner to spend nights and free time with, I have to make sure I'm fully dedicated to myself. Relying only on myself might actually make things more exciting, independent, and... easier? I love P, but it's not fair to ask for his support through this. I'm also realizing my needs are changing with my changes in recovery/sobriety and what may have seemed great may not be exactly what I want now.

Anyway, I'm going to start posting about my plans for each day. That way, I will be accountable to readers to follow through with plans through pictures, blog posts, etc. Today, I'm going to work until 5:00 pm (and no later!), go for my 45 minute run, then head home to let Lula out. Here's where the fun part comes in...

The neighborhood farmer's market is open this evening until 8:00 pm! I'm planning on walking Lula over to the market and picking out the ingredients to make dinner! I love cooking and I love looking for healthy dinner recipes, so this plan has put me in a great and excited mood.

I'm currently deciding between two things for dinner: a cucumber sandwich or something slightly different, mushroom and spinach stuffed eggplant.

 

  

I'm super excited to check out the farmer's market and make a decision on the spot based on what I'm hungry for and what ingredients are available. I'm also planning on purchasing a special treat for dessert. We'll see what my options are later!

Half Recovered

I only have 30 minutes of internet on my flight right now because I'm too much of a cheap ass to spend $9 for a full hour, but I thought I'd pass the time by posting about something that's been on my mind, my current state of semi-recovery.

Right now, I am partially following rules and recommendations, when it's convenient and what I deem as the best practice for me. I have yet to come to terms with the amount of snacks I'm supposed to have, the frequency and duration of exercise I'm "allowed", and definitely my goal weight of 120 at a little over 5'4". It's easy for me to play the part of perfect compliance, but I'm never 100% honest or accountable to myself. And I've figured out that I'm never going to reach recovery, true recovery, not this still half-sick bullshit until I accept weight gain, my body, and maybe even the advice of others.

The first change I'm going to make is eliminating the repetitive nature of the diet pattern I've been having every single day. I have to get out of my comfort zone and get rid of even the smallest remnants of disordered eating like what time I can have meals, how much I have to exercise every day, and how I have to compensate for things like going out to eat or taking a travel day. I am not going to rely on the have tos, musts, can'ts, won'ts, and don'ts. Instead, I'm going to introduce a new level of flexibility into my days and weeks. I have to keep going to AA meetings so I don't use changes-in-diet-and-physical-activity-induced anxiety as an excuse to start drinking again.

My boyfriend will be out of town this week, and I will once again be left to my own devices, but I'm going to write, read, and dive back into recovery full steam ahead. I think taking away the ever increasing restrictions will really help!

Happy Saturday!

Eating like a normal person, y'all

Day 1 of the conference.

It's only 9:13 am and I've already started my day strong. I ran 6 miles this morning, practically before the sun came up, then showered and fixed myself up fancy. (On a normal day, I shower in literally 3-4 minutes, stick my hair up, and run out the door, so a good blow-dry is a rare, rare occurrence).

So it's 7:45 am and I'm ready for the conference early. Breakfast is served until 8, and I am initially ambivalent about going to a free buffet style breakfast, but I feel good about my day already, so I go for it. I am so glad I did because I managed to grab a delicious breakfast without any calculation, planning, or guilt. I was craving yogurt and granola, even though my usual safe breakfast of oatmeal was available. It ended up being the best choice ever - vanilla yogurt (who knows and who cares if it was low-fat), granola, raisins, and sweetly fantastic dried pineapple heaven. I also grabbed a coffee and now I'm sipping on a homemade chai "latte" with 2% milk, two bags of Mighty Leaf Chai, and sweetener. Its delicious and I'm presently, appropriately full and able to pay 100% attention to the conference speakers. Well, except for the fact I'm blogging instead of listening, huh?

Just kidding, I'm a hell of a multitasker, so I am blogging and listening from my seat with a bag full of stolen snacks by my side - granny smith apples, tea bags, granola bars, and trail mix, that I have no intention of doing anything but enjoying if I get hungry. I'm looking forward to posting on lunch and dinner later!

Big Test

Vacation was the biggest challenge I think I'll face this early in recovery, but less than a week later, I'm heading into another significant challenge. I was very anxious going into vacation, mostly about the sobriety part, but I feel much less anxiety going into a 3-day conference in Texas. The conference is a meeting of dietitians who work in the field of genetic and metabolic disorders. I happen to be doing my dissertation on a population with PKU, a genetic disorder, so I'm presenting some of my work and also helping to man a booth for my dissertation adviser.

I'm riding public transportation to the airport and I'm feeling excited instead of nervous. My most significant challenge will be staying in a hotel room by myself, but I'm not going to let myself think of that in advance, or make any plans to abuse my freedom. I find that when I expect or plan on something happening, the chances that it will are 100%. I have no desire to binge or purge on this trip and I have a goal of coming home on Saturday and announcing to Peter I did not purge once.

To make this weekend a success though, I'm going to have to eat and eat foods I'm not completely comfortable with. I am planning for a healthy amount of exercise each morning before activities, pending my knee is okay, and plenty of outdoor activities in the evening after the conference concludes each day. I can't restrict or label foods as good or bad or I will end up compensating, which always results in the binge purge. I'm also thinking back to all of the other trips I've made to new and exciting cities, spent with my head in the toilet, miserable, broke, and so sick. I have never been to Dallas before, and I'm not about to mess this up!

I will use this blog as a resource to help ne through any urges or difficult times, so hopefully I can get some great posting in over the next few days!