I only have 30 minutes of internet on my flight right now because I'm too much of a cheap ass to spend $9 for a full hour, but I thought I'd pass the time by posting about something that's been on my mind, my current state of semi-recovery.
Right now, I am partially following rules and recommendations, when it's convenient and what I deem as the best practice for me. I have yet to come to terms with the amount of snacks I'm supposed to have, the frequency and duration of exercise I'm "allowed", and definitely my goal weight of 120 at a little over 5'4". It's easy for me to play the part of perfect compliance, but I'm never 100% honest or accountable to myself. And I've figured out that I'm never going to reach recovery, true recovery, not this still half-sick bullshit until I accept weight gain, my body, and maybe even the advice of others.
The first change I'm going to make is eliminating the repetitive nature of the diet pattern I've been having every single day. I have to get out of my comfort zone and get rid of even the smallest remnants of disordered eating like what time I can have meals, how much I have to exercise every day, and how I have to compensate for things like going out to eat or taking a travel day. I am not going to rely on the have tos, musts, can'ts, won'ts, and don'ts. Instead, I'm going to introduce a new level of flexibility into my days and weeks. I have to keep going to AA meetings so I don't use changes-in-diet-and-physical-activity-induced anxiety as an excuse to start drinking again.
My boyfriend will be out of town this week, and I will once again be left to my own devices, but I'm going to write, read, and dive back into recovery full steam ahead. I think taking away the ever increasing restrictions will really help!
Happy Saturday!
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