Lunch today.
I can feel eating disorder thoughts and anxieties lingering, particularly in certain situations. Anytime I have control of the situation, from when I get to exercise and how much to preparing my own food, I am okay. As soon as I lose that element of control though, I slip.
I went to Publix to get my usual lunch yesterday and it was a very revealing experience. I always order a veggie wrap from their deli and each of the deli gals makes the wrap a little differently. Apparently this little difference is still enough to displease the ol eating disorder.
The extremely nice lady who made my wrap started by adding way too much mayo. It's a big triumph for me to even consider full-fat mayo on anything, so I experienced an actual physiological response to my lack of control over how much was added to my food. Next, she added too many slices of cheese, more than my usual, safe 2 measly triangles. At this point, I couldn't contain my facial expressions or body language expressing my anxiety as she continued to add too much of everything. The olives sent me overboard and I actually made a snide comment to this poor woman.
Because she was really doing me a two-fold favor - providing ingredients in higher quantites than standard, and providing me with a challenge to actually eat somethin normal, substantial, and not pre-determined as safe.
I've felt horrible that I've slipped in recover enough that it's affecting my daily routine, my work and personal relationships, and now even my interactions with total strangers. Luckily, I've been able to hash out what's going on with my backslide as of late with my therapist and I'll include our plan im my next post!
Hang in there folks, it's almost Friday. And don't forget to be nice to the Publix deli folks who really have your best interests at heart anyway!
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