Compensation

It's Monday morning and I'm doing something I really shouldn't be doing this early in the morning, after a mostly successful weekend, and to start off a new week.

After about 30 minutes at my desk, I couldn't get a pretty terrible knot out of my stomach. I feel very anxious and tense this morning and I think it's because of the amount and type of food I ate yesterday. While it was all delicious, I pushed myself far out of my comfort zone, to the point where I wasn't comfortable with feelings of hunger by dinner time. Instead of listening to my body, I snacked on safe foods - popcorn, granola bars, carrots, and while I did eat enough and feel full eventually, the constant grazing and volume prompted a strong urge to purge. Unfortunately, I didn't think things through and ended up throwing in the towel. I'm really disappointed in general, but also because the rest of the weekend had been so wonderful. I also hate that feeling hungry (and full) still make me anxious.

So this morning my stomach was pretty upset and I have wicked acid reflux. I think my body is so confused by how well I do sometimes, eating enough at proper times, and how terrible I still treat it at others, purging or binging and purging or restricting. I decided to take a walk before it gets really hot, so here I am, 1.5 miles from my office, blogging and actually feeling better. Now I just have to accept blogging quietly at my desk instead of during a compensation speed walk.

Recovery Walker

It's finally Saturday and my first weekenparticularly  starting treatment. I wake up with the tiniest headache, but feel like a million bucks after dinner with friends and an early bedtime last night.

First thought - what's for breakfast? - followed by - weekend long run without a booze or bulimia-induced hangover?! - followed by - unlesguy cut running by half by didn'tsday (consistently), .ll be shipped off to Residential. That, my friends, is a BUZZ KILL.

So. I go for a walk with the lovely, body-secure Lula, a babe of a Husky/Samoyed mix with flowing white figurativautiful blue eyes. Let me tell you, she is a show-stopper folks.

It helps to walk, but I don't know what will happen if I don't get a little run in, especially since the understand. derstorm this morning has given way to 60 and sunny in early January. I take maybe three days off per year, almost always due to crippling hangovers, traveling, or big events like weddings. Today, I limit myself to 6 miles, a feat in itself and sit down to watch some football with friends until it's time to attend a friend's boyfriend's birthday dinner.

Something I've learned in treatment is how common fear of social eating is for those with eating disorders or disordered eating. At face value, I would never considered that a particular symptom or behavior of mine. Until I consider what normally happens at dinners out. I don't eat all day, run even more than the standard 12 miles, order the lowest calorie option on the menu (salad, soup, steamed vegetables, etc), 3-4 drinks plus whatever I had before dinner, and get blackout drunk. So while I'm perfectly comfortable attending social dinners or gatherings focused on food and eating, my friends and boyfriend are always on high alert. I'm consuming negative calories regardless of my chosen entree, and drinking to keep up with the heaviest hitter in the group, usually a 200-400 pound male who orders an appetizer, entree, and dessert to share with no one. I will go shot for shot with the person in between dipping my fork in fat free dressing and picking lettuce leaves out of cheese and any salad toppings that aren't vegetables. And I'm naive enough to think that this eating disorder is mine and mine alone and no you can't possibly understand.

At this particular birthday dinner, I do particularly well. I order just two drinks after the beer I had befpre dinner and a black bean burger with a side salad. I cut the burger in half, eating 2/3 and the whole salad during a painstakingly slow hour. Everyone else finishes 30 minutes before me and when I finally throw in the towel, the guy next to me asks what I didn't like about my dinner. Better than the ever dreaded, wow you were hungry or great job that we ED-heads dread, but also a wake up call my idea of a lot of food is so far from normal.