Thoughts

I've abandoned this blog as of late and I'm trying to pinpoint the reasons why. I'd like to say it's because I'm doing wildly well, skipping through recovery and sobriety without anything to document. Instead, the opposite is happening. I'm slipping and I'm scared to get help because I was doing well. I was moving forward, gaining weight and not caring, addressing issues in my life, accepting appointments and goal as requirements. And now I'm stagnant, choosing the aspects of recovery that fit into my life and plans instead of changing myself and my thoughts to accommodate progress.

Sometimes I want to give up and start drinking, starving, binging again. I do not look like a person with an eating disorder but I sure feel like one. Why not use the excuse that I'm still purging - why not conclude, fuck it?

My mom says, "great job, Katie! We are so proud!". My dad says, "you look healthy! Substantial! Keep it up!". Neither ask why I drive alone to get ice cream after our family dinner, purging on the way. My sponsor says, "you're killing sobriety, I'm so proud". Gives me homemade cookies. No, please.

I don't know how to let these people down. I cannot bring myself to admit to my parents the $4 grand we dropped on Renfrew should be considered an expense, not an investment given my current state. I cannot bring myself to tell my sponsor how I find sobriety pretty damn easy right now because, hellllllo people... alcohol = calories. I cannot tell my closest friends that they still need to follow me around or you better believe that 2% milk chai latte and yogurt ain't staying nowhere.

It's frustrating. I've been seeking help for almost a year now and while I've mastered the art of being therapized, I don't know where to go from here. I guess the only option is opening up, becoming completely honest with the people I haven't driven away, and putting in some major work.