Real talk

On Wednesday, Peter and I broke up. I'm not sure how I'm still sober or how long it will last, but I'm giving it my best shot.

Update: I started this post yesterday after locking my keys in my car and finding out one of my best friends and co-workers is pregnant. I felt a huge sense of failure and while I am still very sad and regretful about losing P, I feel much better today. I understand that post-breakups have their ups and downs, but I'm on the up right now and want to focus on that.

The breakup happened right after we got back from vacation. Neither of us expected it or were planning it, but as we fought most of the car ride home, I think we both realized how many underlying issues there are beneath the already volatile surface of our relationship. We both love each other and make each other happier than miserable, but there is a general incompatibility that we've known from the start. He is much more low key and happy with doing nothing while I will always want to be on the go and busy - especially in sobriety.

I want to stay friends with P because we do have a blast together and everyone loves our dynamic. I'm certainly going to let time pass before easing into a friendship though, because he hurt me pretty bad by saying he doesn't see us ever taking a next step. After about a year and a half, I'm glad he's thinking about long-term, instead of simply being happy to be with someone for companionship now.

I argued and cried so much at first, pled for forgiveness, and apologized profusely for my mood swings, stubbornness, and doubt of his feelings for me. But now, as I relish in my newfound independence, I think this is the best thing for me. I have to learn to live for myself, by myself, instead of finding one codependent relationship after another. I'm going to go steady with myself for a while.

My sister being in Atlanta has been a godsend. I'm not sure how I would have handled this without her ear to listen and her overwhelming and unwavering support. To thank her, I've put together a surprise birthday present for her 20th birthday tomorrow. It made me so happy to do something for someone I know cares about me regardless of my mood and current situation in life. Happy birthday kid sister!

(Other people's) Kids help

I'm discovering good influences come in all shapes and sizes. While I want to maintain recovery momentum without the influence of others, I cannot trust myself and myself alone just yet.

Something that's really surprised me on this beach vacation is the impact hanging out with kids can have. My little teammates have been instrumental in getting me through this week so far and the best part is, they're so oblivious about what's going on. While the adults drink on the beach, we collect shells and string together jewelry. When I want to leave a lot of food on my dinner plate, I see an 8-year old watching me with reverence. When I want to skip breakfast, I see the plate of fresh fruit prepared by that same 8-year old, up since 7:36 am, and who am I to say no?

It's amazing how comfortable I am with my afternoon snack of homemade trail mix, hand picked with input from my girls. Of course, it's delicious, and knowing I made this with a little girl who would never expect me to be afraid of eating it, nevertheless throw it up, helps me tremendously. Considering others actually helps me.

And now for the trail mix (granola, banana chips, raisins, craisins, cashews, and walnuts) and, of course, a mug o' joe.

Prioritize recovery

Happy Memorial Day! It's a beautiful long weekend to spend in the beaches of North Carolina for sure. P's awesome (sober) sister arrived this morning and the energy is great. I finally have a sober comrade, besides the dope little 2 and 8-year old nieces.

Most importantly, I'm feeling so damn good and positive here with this family. I think it's because they are so much like me. They have issues, and they're real about it. P's mom and I had a 30 minute conversation this morning about therapy and the grief counseling group she goes to. My dad, on the other hand, cries about his failure as a parent because both his girls take meds and have therapists. Earth to papa - our way of denying problems to project that I'm fine, got none of us nowhere.

On account of realizing how much I love feeling well, connecting with fine folks, and taking it easy, I decided to let myself stay an extra day. I'm choosing to prioritize myself and my well-being over school and work that can, in reality, be done right here on this beach. I have never placed myself, my significant other, and/or my family over school and work success, but it's time to start taking advantage of people and places that impact me in a positive way.

I'm happy to be here. And today, I'm happy to be me, and not this guy...

Excited about food

There's something about taking time away from your normal routine that eliminates the usual urgency and anxiety of life. On vacation with P's family, great folks that I've only spent one weekend with before now, I do not feel the self-imposed pressure or rigidity that normally suffocates my recovery.

Instead, I wake up and run and then slow down for the rest of the day. I do not feel compelled to run more or exercise, and walk only for enjoyment. I eat what I want, when I want and do not want to purge. I have no feelings of needing to prove myself by living up to the bar I set so high that nobody would reasonably expect anyway. I feel at peace with myself and with this family.

Is it the time away from work? Is it my recovery finally kicking in? What's making the difference here? Perhaps it's the perspective I gain in examining how my behaviors would appear those I want to make a good impression on. I do find that once I feel comfortable around a person, I don't care if they think I'm crazy. I don't care that they hear me purge, see me walk for miles, or know that plate full of salad is restriction.

Instead, I'm on my best behavior. But because I am not overexercising, I am not purging, I am not worried about my body in a bikini or what people will think about the amount of peanuts I eat, I do not have urges. I don't want to purge, I want to eat. I am excited to plan what's for dinner tonight and find myself anticipating the proposed sea bass and asparagus. I do not restrict today because of the bite of steak I tried and P's sweet potato I finished last night. I just, do not. And by not doing, I'm doing so much.

I'm happy here. And it's a feeling I haven't had in a long time.

Vacation 2.0

The last vacation I took a month or so ago didn't exactly go off with a bang. I was really disappointed that even going to the beach, something I love more than anything, could be hard for me.

With a solid foundation of progress though, I feel great this time. I'm here with P's family and while I get the sense they all have their reservations about crazy Cakies as P calls me, I am having a great time. We arrived yesterday after midnight and slept in late today so I'm well rested, well fed, and feeling like this is where I belong.

We've spent all day at the beach this morning and afternoon, and I'm the lone ranger here now. I just took a short beach walk and feel a certain sense of calm that I rarely ever feel in a bikini. I think I'm finally letting go of my body image issues and realizing that every blemish, hair, and stretch mark is unique, not sometime to take care of. If I can continue learning to love my body, perhaps I can continue to love myself.

We're here until Tuesday and my goals are to (or course) stay sober and not purge a single time. So far, so good!

Happy memorial day weekend, y'all!

Family

I have a 19 year old "little" sister who just moved to Atlanta for the summer this weekend. She's only been here two full days, but I already feel closer to her and less like a mess overall.

Sis is a division 1 college swimmer and one heck of an athlete. She's also not an alcoholic and does not have an eating disorder, to my knowledge. I am 7 years older than my sister, so we've never had anything like an adult friendship throughout our life. I'm hoping now that both of our issues are out in the open, we can really help each other in our respective recoveries.

The reason my sister moved down to Atlanta for the summer is to escape from a bad breakup. I am one to talk, but I certainly don't advocate for running from your problems. I know I use my eating disorder, exercise, and alcohol abuse to numb my problems away, but that gets you nowhere. I fear that she's using the same strategy of avoidance to sweep her issues under the table, ignore them for a while, and hope they resolve. I'm at somewhat of a loss in knowing how to help her, especially given the fact that P pointed out she ran away from her life to me.

A me who can't get her own life together and is a far cry from stable. I do feel an innate sense of responsibility to be strong for her though. To set a good example. To be the older sister for once. I know that my head in a toilet is not the example I am shooting for.

I'm so happy she's here though, and in some way I suspect she's also here to keep me in line. That's the first display of real care and concern from anyone in my family, outside of money and words. Kudos to her for having the courage to step outside of her life and integrate into mine.

I am proud

Its Monday again already and a lot of significant things happened this weekend. First, P came home on Friday from being out of town and he actually wanted to go out for dinner! I expected him to want to do a whole bunch of nothing since he'd been working across the country all week, but he brought up going out.

We went to a nice brewery/restaurant that I've always loved for the food and beer, but haven't been to sober. Everything was great at the start - P felt comfortable drinking which I was more than fine with, and I ordered a virgin sparkling grapefruit cocktail. It was delicious and gave me courage to order a seitan pita for my entree.

Unfortunately, I am in recovery from an eating disorder and alcoholism. The waiter brought a surprise third drink to our table about halfway through and set it right in front of me. I still had half a mocktail left and P had finished his same drink (with booze) ages ago. As that drink sat there and stared me in the face, it hit me how damn easily I could lose my sobriety - how available and willing alcohol is for me to consume. I could have easily sipped on this mystery drink, omitting it was clearly alcoholic to P, and gone (downhill) from there. Instead, I gathered my wits and excused myself as P began drilling me about who I knew in the bar that bought me this drink, not even acknowledging the alcohol sitting right by my left hand.

This did not sit well with me, so I told him i was struggling. He reacted by becoming angry and indicating it was such a nice dinner until I ruined it. Showing, again, so that, as I'm using my voice more and more, P will have to accept I'm not always okay. We collected ourselves and went home and I did something I've never done - texted my sponsor. Even though it was pushing 11:30, she sent me a perfect response, giving me the courage to realize it's okay to struggle, to need help, and to need.

Saturday was a great day from the get-go, it was only during the evening when I returned to P's after AA, room cleaning, and laundry that things deteriorated. I won't go into details, but I'll tell you it was a struggle. I am so, so proud to say though, around 1am, after using every tool and strategy I've learned through AA and Renfrew, I couldn't lay in bed and listen to P and his friend playing video games and taking shots any longer than the 7 hours I'd already done so. Somehow, I found the courage to go home, despite the fact that I would have had a 100% chance of binging and purging for the rest of the night at any other time in my life. P walked me outside and I was able to clearly express my frustration and worry that perhaps we don't work when I'm sober. We hugged and I left and I did not even have the urge to binge, purge, or do anything but treat myself to a nights sleep in my own awesome bed!

This is tremendous progress for me and I'm ecstatic to find myself succeeding more on my own than through my codependency with P. This is recovery.

Bring it on new week!

Little things

Something I've never been good at doing is prioritizing myself and my needs. I'm very good at taking care of others and making sure everything goes off without a hitch. I still think it's fine and dandy to take care of others, especially because it makes me feel really good, but I will often neglect myself. Instead of even considering what I might want or need, others consistently come first and I wind up exhausted, lonely, and detached from myself. 

Todat after my neighborhood walk, chores, and a little bit of dissertation work, I decided to paint my toenails. As a runner, I should absolutely make this a priority to hide the bruises, blisters, and calluses that comprise my feet. But I often have no time for little things like slapping two coats of neon orange polish on those bad boys. Something as simple as painting my toenails, which is really a manifestation of self-care, is such a help. It gives me time with me - without P, my friends, my sponsor, and all of my growing list of obligations. Most importantly, by taking care of myself and prioritizing me, I find some relief from the eating disorder and addiction.

I highly recommend taking time to do you this weekend. It's worth so much more than presentable feet.

Productive days are good days

I never imagined how, as a hyperproductive person during the week, unproductive I became on the weekends with my eating disorder and drinking. Days were spent sleeping off hangovers, taking walks for hours, eating and throwing up. It was certainly better in the summer when I could distract myself from hunger and exhaustion by being outside, but I think it's safe to say most weekends from age 19-25 were spent like this.

Today, sober but still teetering on the edge of an eating disorder, I can still experience what weekends are supposed to be like. It's one of the most difficult things I've ever had to attempt, but leaving alcohol and restricting in the past has made me realize how much time, money, and energy I've wasted. It does no good to focus on regrets and wishes about the past, though, so I've made an effort to live in the present.

Which, despite the eating disorder remnants, is pretty damn good. I hope you all choose the present over the past and future, and put yourself and your recovery before everything else!

As usual, I blog while I walk and today, that happens to be in my hood. I went to a new all women AA meeting this morning and it was just what I needed before spending the day cleaning my room for my sister to move in tomorrow. Particularly because I may not have been able to handle the amount of alcohol bottles and food wrappers and containers I've tossed out.

I'll leave you with a picture of a landmark establishment down the skreet from my cozy little apartment. Note to self, come home more and relish in the non-codependent lifestlye of freedom and successful accountability.

Post hectic-work-day dog run

Many of my posts this week include my good gal Lula. Her pops, P, is out of town for work and while we miss him, the ladies enjoy some bonding time too. Today was a particularly stressful day at work for a variety of reasons and I'm so glad to come home and take a walk with my girl.

My dissertation project will wrap up its second phase of data collection in about a month, so everything at work is crazy. Luckily, I started my day with my run so I was less prone to anxiety, but my regular meals were seriously disrupted with out of the office meetings at 9, 10, and 11:30. I planned ahead and brought snacks, though not enough to constitute meals, leaving me starving at the end of the morning. With a Publix veggie wrap to save the day though, I got back on track. I am so glad that I feel worried instead of proud when I know I don't eat enough.

Tonight, I'm walking with Lula (now in the sprinkling rain), going to an eating disorder support group for the first time in weeks, then coming home to cook dinner and rest up for Thursday!

Staying busy

Lula and I running errands to keep myself occupied...

Black and white thinking

I met with my sponsor yesterday before an 8pm meeting and we chatted quite extensively about black and white thinking, all or nothinc mentality, deprivation versus excess. The similarities between alcoholics and those with certain eating disorder tendencies is quite phenomenal and more and more apparent as I try to tackle both issues.

Recovery from alcoholism involves no spectrum, no holding onto habits, no intuitive consumption. The recovering alcoholic does not drink alcohol, plain and simple. All recovery strategies involve replacing a with b. The recovering anorexic/bulimic cannot simply remove their substance of choice as that's the strategy that got them a diagnosis in the first place!

I am certainly finding that abstaining from drinking is leaps and bounds easier than the eating disorder addiction my mind can't let go of. It's so much easier for me, as an addict, to remove completely; anything that must be constantly adjusted on a spectrum becomes damn near impossible. It is not a cookie for me - it is no cookies forever or all of them. Just lije drinking was never one beer, it was all of them to blacking out and not being able to walk or, well, never none.

I have to learn how to manage substances, including food on a spectrum and eliminate this black and white thinking if I truly want recovery. Ain't no way around it.

Shaky knees music festival

Today I had more fun at a music festival than I've ever had with company I barely know. My sponsor, her sponsor and her man interest, and another chica were a sober dream team. They made me feel so comfortable, even when everyone was wasted at the end and a drunk man spilled beer all over my face. My first instinct wasn't even to lick that beer off my lip! I suppose that's the power of being around other sober people!

Sobriety aside, I didn't do the best job with eating and exercise today. I did my 6 miles this morning then walked 3 miles round trip to Kroger. I also walked 1.2 miles each way from my car to the festival. I had a protein bar and a hearty batch of oatmeal before the festival, but nothing substantial there. I did eat a pack of peanuts at least, but I've literally been on my feet the entire day. I plan on cooking up something good when I get back to P's place!

In other news, Alabama Shakes' song, Hold On, was unanimously voted best recovery song.

AA and being open minded

Its Sunday again - sure seems like the weeks fly by these days.

My 90 day sober-versary came and went on Friday and it mostly seemed like just another day. Except for meeting with my sponsor to start my first step and getting a red chip for 90 days at an AA meeting. The 8pm groups I've been going to are fantastic and the folks are people I genuinely want to be friends with. I've come a long way from scoffing at AA, citing my lack of religion as grounds to dismiss it completely.

Now, I look forward to meetings and events with sober folks. I'm going to an all-day music festival with my sponsor and her group today, and there's no way I could go with my non-sober friends. I can't wait to share my passion, music, with new, sober people. With any other crowd, I would be terrified to have to stay strong during a whole day of drinking and eating fear foods. I would have worried about affecting others' fun by being sober. Not anymore because now I can be selfish and think of myself - make sure I'm having fun.

AA has also humbled me greatly already, made me a more honest and accountable person. At the meeting on Friday, the good-looking guy who keeps asking me to hang out with his group after meetings asked me point blank if I went to rehab to already be at 90 days. I didn't think twice to answer yes, and tell him it was also for an eating disorder. AA allows me to express my most personal secrets to strangers, but strangers I relate to and trust more than most of my closest friends.

I'm so happy I've given myself the opportunity to branch out and reframe my stubborn thoughts to try something new. Finally.

Life continues

I can't reiterate the importance of realizing life goes on, no matter what you are going through. Do not expect others to treat you any differently because you are having a bad day, you are struggling with symptoms, you broke up with your boyfriend, or you've just overcome a significant challenge.

Good and bad things happen to people every single day, and it's the way you learn to react to situations that truly matters. I find when I'm engaging in symptoms - purging, isolating, restricting, over-exercising, etc - I do not handle stressful situations well. For example....

I have a single argument with P,
but catastrophize the situation until the argument results in a break-up,
blaming my eating disorder, lack of self-esteem, and self for everything,
particularly the fact that I give up on myself and people if they let me down just once,
leaving me ... uphappy and alone ...

Today, I want everyone to know that my eating disorder and other issues are ruining my relationship, but I'm 90 days sober. I want sympathy and recognition, and recognition and applause. I need validation for every emotion, an explanation and reason for everything. I need to be perfect. What I really need to do is let it go already.

90 days goofy haiku

Which haiku do you like best to post on Facebook for my 90 days tomorrow?

90 days sober
I'm just telling ya, facebook
Ain't even over

What up 90 days
Of being super sober
Ain't even over

It's been 90 days
And I'm feeling super fly
Got that sober vibe

On that sober grind
For 90 days in a row
Feeling fly fo sho

It's been 90 days
And I'm proud of my time spent
Kicking it sober

Tomorrow = 90 Days Sober

I'm wasting time at the end of the work day, waiting for 5:00 pm to hit so I can go get my run on. Tomorrow is my 90th day sober and I'm really so proud to say that.



I can't wait to pick up my 90 day chip at my meeting tomorrow. Anyway, I'm going to have a fantastic day today, tonight, and tomorrow - feel free to celebrate on my behalf!

Aaaaaaacountability

I've been thinking a lot today about how to hold myself accountable when I'm on my own.

I've almost decided to start questioning if P and I should be together right now (or if I should be with anyone during this stage of my recovery). If I'm going to make the choice to be single and lose the extra support of having a partner to spend nights and free time with, I have to make sure I'm fully dedicated to myself. Relying only on myself might actually make things more exciting, independent, and... easier? I love P, but it's not fair to ask for his support through this. I'm also realizing my needs are changing with my changes in recovery/sobriety and what may have seemed great may not be exactly what I want now.

Anyway, I'm going to start posting about my plans for each day. That way, I will be accountable to readers to follow through with plans through pictures, blog posts, etc. Today, I'm going to work until 5:00 pm (and no later!), go for my 45 minute run, then head home to let Lula out. Here's where the fun part comes in...

The neighborhood farmer's market is open this evening until 8:00 pm! I'm planning on walking Lula over to the market and picking out the ingredients to make dinner! I love cooking and I love looking for healthy dinner recipes, so this plan has put me in a great and excited mood.

I'm currently deciding between two things for dinner: a cucumber sandwich or something slightly different, mushroom and spinach stuffed eggplant.

 

  

I'm super excited to check out the farmer's market and make a decision on the spot based on what I'm hungry for and what ingredients are available. I'm also planning on purchasing a special treat for dessert. We'll see what my options are later!

Confronting other issues in recovery

The more I meet with my therapist, the more apparent it becomes that I have a lot of work to do completely unrelated to calories, weight, exercise, and alcohol. I've never really been one to buy into psychotherapy and deep-seeded issues and the like, but as my perspective on my eating disorder is changing, I'm realizing it really is so so much more than food.

One of my main issues is not knowing how to ask for what I want or need. I always try to be as independent as possible, never needing anything from anyone. I'm the flexible friend you can take anywhere, the girlfriend that caters to your every need while forcing a smile, the graduate student that can't say no. I'm not sure if it's some immature fear of rejection or not being the best at everything, but living life for others is way too exhausting.

I've also discovered I am not comfortable expressing what I perceive as negative emotions like anger, sadness, and disappointment. I shove these feelings deep down inside of me and don't let myself acknowledge they exist. I think this is another manifestation of my extreme perfectionism and need to please others, but it's definitely something that has to change.

For example, yesterday I took a huge step in asking my boyfriend, P, to call me in the evening so I could have something to look forward to and a reason to keep myself from purging. P left for an out of town trip yesterday and though he's only gone through tomorrow, I wanted to be fine on my own to reassure myself I'll be okay next week when he's gone again Monday through Friday. Anyway, I came home after work to let his dog out, instead of my usual routine of running right after work. He hadn't texted or contacted me all day and when I walked into his apartment, I was pretty disappointed to find very clear evidence that he and his work friends had drank a lot before heading to the airport. Two bottles of liquor (not empty) and many shot glasses were sitting right on the kitchen counter to welcome me.

Now I should have reached out for support immediately. I should have expressed my disappointment which turned into anger when I hadn't heard from P by 10 pm. I understand he's on a work field trip, but I needed him, or someone to express my struggles. Instead, I binged and purged everything I consumed that evening.

This can't happen again or I have to at least recognize my feelings and address them before they send me into a tailspin. I'm hoping for a much better day today or I may have to discuss other options for next week with P. My morning walk and blog has definitely made me feel better though, so thanks for being my ear, blogmosphere!

The Dietitian goes to the Dietitian

Today I met with my dietitian, a lovely lady who works at my university's student health center. We do a blind weight every week, but actually sit down to have a little chat every other week.

When I started the process of getting help back in the fall, I was so hesitant to see a dietitian. But I have a master's in nutrition and am an RD myself, I claimed! A lot of good that was doing me....

Anyway, I absolutely love going to the dietitian. I've told her I need tough love to keep me motivated and moving in the right direction. She is very open and honest with me in her assessments of how I'm currently doing, what my weight gain and overall goals are, and how to best achieve goals. I feel good after meeting with her and ready to tackle the challenges and goals she gives me at each appointment. Today was particularly important for me since P is leaving for another few days tomorrow, and then a whole week. I'm lucky to have such an awesome treatment team.

A dietitian may get a bad rep among those of us with eating disorders since they are responsible for food plans, changes and additions, and weight goals. Whatever you think of your dietitian though, remember they (usually she) has your best interest and health in mind. Recommendations and treatment plans are there to help you, even if they're extraordinarily scary. Listen to what your dietitian is saying, ignore your eating disorder, and maybe it'll all start making some sense.

Compensation

It's Monday morning and I'm doing something I really shouldn't be doing this early in the morning, after a mostly successful weekend, and to start off a new week.

After about 30 minutes at my desk, I couldn't get a pretty terrible knot out of my stomach. I feel very anxious and tense this morning and I think it's because of the amount and type of food I ate yesterday. While it was all delicious, I pushed myself far out of my comfort zone, to the point where I wasn't comfortable with feelings of hunger by dinner time. Instead of listening to my body, I snacked on safe foods - popcorn, granola bars, carrots, and while I did eat enough and feel full eventually, the constant grazing and volume prompted a strong urge to purge. Unfortunately, I didn't think things through and ended up throwing in the towel. I'm really disappointed in general, but also because the rest of the weekend had been so wonderful. I also hate that feeling hungry (and full) still make me anxious.

So this morning my stomach was pretty upset and I have wicked acid reflux. I think my body is so confused by how well I do sometimes, eating enough at proper times, and how terrible I still treat it at others, purging or binging and purging or restricting. I decided to take a walk before it gets really hot, so here I am, 1.5 miles from my office, blogging and actually feeling better. Now I just have to accept blogging quietly at my desk instead of during a compensation speed walk.

Farmer's Market Round 2

My friends hit up the farmer's market this afternoon and I couldn't pass up another trip, especially since lunch was approaching. I decided to continue my adventurous streak and try something new.

I wasn't really in the mood for wood-fired pizza which is what my friends decided on for a couple of reasons. Pizza is definitely still a fear food, and I thought it would be too much experimentation after the donut for breakfast. So I settled for a Korean steamed bun with mushrooms and kimchi. I've never had a steamed bun before, let alone kimchi, and I'm so glad I tried it!

Farmer's market, y'all

I decided to take a huge step in switching up breakfast this morning. After my run, I was starving and had some time before meeting with my sponsor, which is next on the agenda!

I paid a little visit to the Grant Park Farmer's Market for the first time this season. It's a great market with a lot of fun and fancy foods. I'll admit, it's not the best place to get basic produce and simple food for cheap, but if you're looking for some brunch grub or kitschy veggies and local foods (think arugala, radishes, yogurt, pecans), then it's the place for you.

As my first trip to the market without the usual Sunday morning hangover, I was excited. I swiped my debit card in exchange for two $5 chips and wandered. They also accept SNAP and WIC benefits (and double them!!!), which the dietitian in me absolutely loves.

Anyway, I bought a small bag of pecans for one $5 chip to be put in my oatmeal, and a peach iced tea and orange pistachio donut! Yummy!

Lula approves of my new shoes

My new running shoes came in the mail yesterday! I always order Brooks or Sauconys from the best website ever, Sierra Trading Post. The new ones are quite flashy which makes me want to win some races. And they don't even smell yet!

Lula approves...

Saturday =Awesome

It's been an awesome day. I feel great and I'm legitimately proud of myself for how far I've come from 2 days ago.

I started my day with my 6 miles, made a delicious oatmeal surprise breakfast and sat outside with P. I wrote several letters and he played guitar and sang the hell out of some Coldplay. We took Lula for a walk and then I realized how hungry I was just a few hours after breakfast. Feeling hungry makes me feel accomplished and really positive, so I thought about what I wanted to eat and decided on an eggplant bahn mi, an excellent choice for sure.

After lunch, I did some shopping at Target and bought new short in one size up than my skinny size. I'm also proud this made me proud instead of anxious. This evening, I wore my new short shorts to a picnic and movie with my friends. In addition to the picnic goods, I ate two of the homemade cookies I brought - chocolate chip with praline pecans and M&Ms! Everyone was drinking but that didn't bother me at all, and I even went to a bar with my two girlfriends after and had a delicious non-alcoholic ginger lemondade... with no guilt. What a great evening! This is how life should be.

And dsome pictures in reverse chronological order:

Warm weather treats

As I conclude my lunch break walk (don't worry, I picked up lunch to eat at my desk right after), I am obsessing over an iced latte from my favorite coffee shop across the street.

So, in the spirit of recovery, I'm getting one! Coffee drinks, smoothies, and other iced summer-y beverages can be a great source of extra calories. For me, I can down liquids all day without the anxiety that comes with food fullness. I can easily tricn myself into a little bit extra!

What's your favorite icee coffee drink? Behold......

Appreciate your pet

Yesterday, as described in my previous post, was very stressful. Luckily, I have this beautiful girl to help me through tough times as an excellent running or walking partner.

Shout out to Lula!

Workday walk

Work has already been crazy this morning as I submitted 3 abstracts to a scientific conference, edited a manuscript to submit with several colleagues to a peer-reviewed journal, and had 2 meetings. Right now, I'm practicing self-care (not overexercising, I promise) by taking a lunch break walk to do some processing.

P returns from traveling today, so last night was my final evening alone at the apartment. My day was full of stress stemming from every aspect of my life - P and I fought about how infrequently we communicate when we're apart, I was assigned several new projects by my adviser even though she's already got me so busy I haven't touched my dissertation writing in weeks, a colleague who writes poorly in English presented me with her letter of intent, a key component of submitting a research grant, at 4:30, when I was about to leave, and it was due at 5. And of course, I was pulled over on my drive home becasue my brake light is out. Woof.

After 2 really terrible days, I was almost certain I'd get home and binge and purge the evening away, but I didn't. For several important reasons.

1. I didn't restrict yesterday, eating lunch and snacks earier than usual.

2. I complained profusely to P, stemming a fight, but also allowing me to express myself.

3. On the reminder of my drive home, I thought about binging and purging, but realized it would only make me feel worse.

4. I had a wonderful run right when I got home and equally wonderful walk with Lula.

5. I spent the evening with 3 girlfriends and had a really wonderful time.

So take that, eating disorder! I made it through a stressful day successfully and though I'm not implementing my new daily structure til next week,I feel proud (though tired) today. I want to keep this momentum up through the weekend, too. Hope all of you readers are doing well this lovely first Friday of May!

Publix lunch success

And I didn't even get mad at the Publix lady today!