Restructuring my days/daze

I've been trying to come up with ways to get myself back on track and out of this recovery slump I find myself wallowing in.

It's very important to me that I'm not as dependent on P being physically present to do well. On my own at the conference and this week while he's been out of town have been especially rocky. I'm so lucky to have an awesome treatment team (my therapist, dietitian, psychiatrist, and primary care doc) to help when times get rough though. 

I've decided the current structure of my days lends itself to several slip-up potentials. I've been getting to work early and exercising (too much) after work, going to AA or a support group, and eating dinner super late when I'm starving. Instead, I'm going to do my 4-6 miles in the morning before work, eat more for breakfast and lunch, go to an earlier meeting after work, and eat dinner much earlier. This will really prevent overworking since I've been doing 8-5s most days, overexercising like I'm prone to when I'm only accountable to myself after work, and late dinners and snacks which set me up to purge. It will also fuel my appetite earlier in the day and reduce general anxiety I feel before I get to exercise, though hopefully that anxiety fades completely over time. Finally, it will give me a reason to resist purging at night since waking up with a purging hangover and running is just as bad as an alcohol-induced hangover.

I can't wait to start this routine tomorrow to test it out!

Lingering ED Thoughts

Lunch today.

I can feel eating disorder thoughts and anxieties lingering, particularly in certain situations. Anytime I have control of the situation, from when I get to exercise and how much to preparing my own food, I am okay. As soon as I lose that element of control though, I slip.

I went to Publix to get my usual lunch yesterday and it was a very revealing experience. I always order a veggie wrap from their deli and each of the deli gals makes the wrap a little differently. Apparently this little difference is still enough to displease the ol eating disorder.

The extremely nice lady who made my wrap started by adding way too much mayo. It's a big triumph for me to even consider full-fat mayo on anything, so I experienced an actual physiological response to my lack of control over how much was added to my food. Next, she added too many slices of cheese, more than my usual, safe 2 measly triangles. At this point, I couldn't contain my facial expressions or body language expressing my anxiety as she continued to add too much of everything. The olives sent me overboard and I actually made a snide comment to this poor woman.

Because she was really doing me a two-fold favor - providing ingredients in higher quantites than standard, and providing me with a challenge to actually eat somethin normal, substantial, and not pre-determined as safe.

I've felt horrible that I've slipped in recover enough that it's affecting my daily routine, my work and personal relationships, and now even my interactions with total strangers. Luckily, I've been able to hash out what's going on with my backslide as of late with my therapist and I'll include our plan im my next post!

Hang in there folks, it's almost Friday. And don't forget to be nice to the Publix deli folks who really have your best interests at heart anyway!

Renfrew Center information

I've been meaning to write something about my experience at the Renfrew Center in Coconut Creek, Florida. Following my facebook reveal, I received a message from a friend asking about treatment at Renfrew. I thought I'd at least share my response and write detailed descriptions when I have more time. My response obviously does not include any information identifying my friend!

"It is SO good to hear from you. Please, please, please don't hesitate to contact Renfrew or any treatment program in your area if you even think you're possibly interested. The initial assessments are free and you're not tied to anything - just gather some information about your treatment options and go from there.

Renfrew was a great experience. I started in their outpatient program which met 3 evenings per week (with dinner) in December but that wasn't enough support for me, so I moved up to their day treatment program. It was 5 days a week from 8:30-3pm. That also didn't work for me because I found ways around the rules (I don't recommend this approach if you go for outpatient or a day program somewhere - just comply! they know what they're doing!). So I ended up in residential in Florida. They also have a residential program in Philadelphia - both are equally respected. Residential really saved my life, broke my bad habits, and taught me how to love food again. You are assigned a therapist and a dietitian and they work with you to develop a treatment plan.

Every day, there's breakfast, lunch, and dinner (all very reasonable portions designed to maintain weight) and for weight gain, you're given a certain number of snacks and/or supplements throughout the day. Refeeding is a scary and difficult process at first, but with the support of 40-50 other girls, it ends up being manageable. Everyone at Renfrew is really great and I promise it isn't as scary as it sounds. You go at your own pace and the other girls in the program are so wonderful. I was there for a month and most people tend to stay for 1 month up to 3-4 months, depending on their situation. Do you have any specific questions? I'm always happy to answer.

You are such a strong and inspirational young lady and I would love to help support you along the way. I know it will be difficult, but hang in there and know that you deserve recovery from this. You can do it! It's so much fun on the other side!"

Please don't hesitate to comment with any other questions!

Staying busy

Its Monday, y'all! I just finished my oatmeal and raisin concoction for breakfast and am waiting to lecture to a class of Master's degree seeking students. I find it ironic that I'm lecturing to these kids as a "professional", a dietitian with a master's degree, and a 4th year PhD candidate at a pretty dang good university. But these kids are really my age and older and likely have their lives together much better than the dietitian over here, wondering what she'll have for lunch and if she'll keep it down already.

Somehow, with a raging case of alcoholism and bulimia, restrictive, and over-exercising tendencies, I graduated with a bachelor of science in Nutrition and a minor in psychology in 3 years of undergrad. During my 4th year of school, I managed to finish a combined dietetic internship and master's in public health nutrition. I also managed a bar, working upwards of 25 hours each week. During this time, I was chronically tired, hungry, lonely, and angry at myself for turning into a super functional fuck up. It's fairly well known that the HALT acronym (hungry, angry, tired, loney) nails the triggers for eating disorder behavior, so it's no wonder I was so sick throughout college.

I have only recently understood how important several key ideas are to recovery from pretty much anything. The first idea is to accept help from others. We are often perfectionists, always doing and going and providing, and never cutting our eating disordered selves a break. It's unthinkable to ask for anything, let alone help for a problem. I have learned that recovery is not possible without accepting help from friends, family, support groups, and your team of professionals responsible for taking care of you. The second idea is to relax. You must schedule down time for yourself and you must learn how to do nothing. Whether your down time is spent taking a nap, lounging on the couch, or laying by a pool, it's so so important to make sure you're successful in recovery. Don't underestimate the power of doing nothing!

This brings me back to the reason I'm writing this post. I'm listening to the first lecturer right now and ready to give my portion of the lecture soon, and my mind is begging me for a break. With the conference last week, I worked long hours and only had Sunday to mysef. I need down time and I need it soon! I'm hungrier than usual, more tired on shorter runs, and more irritable than I prefer. These are all signs that I'm pushing too hard right now and even undoing some of the hard work I've put into recovery. So, during this week while P is out of town, I'm going to leave work at the end of my 8.5 hours, not bring anything home to finish, and focus on filling my evenings with rest, support groups like ANAD and AA (both of which I truly enjoy), and a big bunch of nothing.

I think I'm doing a good enough job in eating, exercise, and sobriety that I trust myself with unstructured down time, but I also know I'm prone to slip-ups. But! I have a ton of friends to catch up with this week and a whole dang memoir to write and publish. So I should be a-okay!

I'd love to hear from you readers through comments and/or messages. Who's out there reading my meaningless words? What are your favorite down time activities? I need some new hobbies and welcome your feedback!

Outside breakfast!

I'm on my own for breakfast and I love what I've put together. I love breakfast foods more than anything and I've missed my oatmeal creations while out of town at the conference.

This morning/afternoon, breakfast morphed into brunch, a usual happening on the weekend for me. I enjoy sleeping in and with the sore throat I'm battling, today's sleep in was extra awesome.

For breakfast, I have a big mug of Tazo Iced Blushberry Black tea, a black tea with deep crimson notes of black raspberry, huckleberry, and strawberry (description right off the box - I'd say it's pretty accurate), perfect as I lounge in the sun. I was also craving a good coffee after relying on conference coffee for days. I make french pressed coffee using Community Coffee Breakfast Blend grounds, and it's so delicious without any sweetener. A goal of mine is to cut back on artificial sweeteners and eliminate them completely some day, so I've become really fond of black coffee with just milk, exactly what I whipped up.

My main breakfast entree is a big bowl of good ol oatmeal, filled with everything I was craving this morning. I used 2 packets of lower sugar instant oatmeal - 1 apple cinnamon, 1 maple and brown sugar - and dashes of cinnamon and nutmeg, cooked in soy milk. Once cooked, I added a little bit of butter, a whole sliced banana, a mini packet of raisins, and pecan pieces. It's delicious!

Sunday

It's a beautiful day today and I'm glad to be back home in Atlanta. I am going to have a difficult week ahead of me as I'll be staying alone at P's apartment to dog sit Lula while he's out of town.

I figure if I'm going to succeed, I have to make plans and if/then statements now. I am almost always okay at work. I go in at 8 am and leave at the end of the day, usually 4:30 or 5. On most days, I run immediately after work, occupy myself by taking a walk to get a snack or doing some more work at the office, then go to an AA meeting, support group, or out with my friends after that. My day is going to change pretty drastically since I'll have to come home and let Lula out of her crate.

So here's what I'm thinking (I know this isn't interesting to readers, but it helps me tremendously to outline this for myself!). I'll get to work early as usual, and run after work right at 4:30 for 30 minutes, since that's all I'm supposed to do anyway. I'll head right over to P's apartment after that and walk Lula for a little while, stopping at my favorite coffee shop in P's neighborhood for my post-run snack. After that, I'll still go to my support group or AA meeting, then eat dinner after and that should work out fine. If I sense any trouble, or room for screw ups on Monday, I'll dig a little deeper and figure out what I can do to avoid these situations during the rest of the week.

I really want to be able to trust myself alone soon. I hate that I'm still very reliant on my routines and others, particularly P, to "monitor" me, even though he doesn't even know he's doing it. Just by hanging out with him every evening while I eat dinner and an evening snack helps tremendously and I truly hope I can rely on self-accountability in the immediate future.

In the mean time, I want to enjoy my beautiful Sunday and get some beautiful sun and outside activities in today, particularly the farmer's market (which I love and have money for today!!) and a neighborhood festival that I'm particularly fond of. To Sundays!

Half Recovered

I only have 30 minutes of internet on my flight right now because I'm too much of a cheap ass to spend $9 for a full hour, but I thought I'd pass the time by posting about something that's been on my mind, my current state of semi-recovery.

Right now, I am partially following rules and recommendations, when it's convenient and what I deem as the best practice for me. I have yet to come to terms with the amount of snacks I'm supposed to have, the frequency and duration of exercise I'm "allowed", and definitely my goal weight of 120 at a little over 5'4". It's easy for me to play the part of perfect compliance, but I'm never 100% honest or accountable to myself. And I've figured out that I'm never going to reach recovery, true recovery, not this still half-sick bullshit until I accept weight gain, my body, and maybe even the advice of others.

The first change I'm going to make is eliminating the repetitive nature of the diet pattern I've been having every single day. I have to get out of my comfort zone and get rid of even the smallest remnants of disordered eating like what time I can have meals, how much I have to exercise every day, and how I have to compensate for things like going out to eat or taking a travel day. I am not going to rely on the have tos, musts, can'ts, won'ts, and don'ts. Instead, I'm going to introduce a new level of flexibility into my days and weeks. I have to keep going to AA meetings so I don't use changes-in-diet-and-physical-activity-induced anxiety as an excuse to start drinking again.

My boyfriend will be out of town this week, and I will once again be left to my own devices, but I'm going to write, read, and dive back into recovery full steam ahead. I think taking away the ever increasing restrictions will really help!

Happy Saturday!

Last day of the conference

Today is the final day of the conference I've attended for the past 3 days. I wish I could say that it's been a dream of a 3 days and I've been 100% accountable to myself, but that wouldn't quite be the truth.

In the past, I've spent most of my time at conferences starving in sessions, slaving away in the hotel gym, drinking too much while alone at the bar, then reaching my wits' end and ultimately purging, cycling into binging and purging, the conference away. It's a depressing, devastating cycle, and one that I fall into each time I'm left to my own devices.

This conference was going to be different.  I resolved to avoid eating disorder and compulsive behavior at all costs and choose to enjoy my time exploring a new city instead. Each (very early) morning, I dragged myself out of bed and did my run. I think this was a much better strategy than waiting til the evening after the conference concludes because I'm much more likely to eat what I want, when I want, if I've already finished my run. When I save my run for later in the day, I tend to resort back to safe foods high in protein and carbohydrates and devoid of any fat. I think it's this disordered differentiation of foods as allowed and not allowed that really sets me up.

Anyway, after my run, I ate breakfast at the hotel buffet, free to conference attendees (!!) and it was probably my favorite meal of each day. I love experimenting with different combinations of granola and yogurt, adding a variety of sweeteners like jelly or honey, fresh and dried fruit, and almond slivers or walnuts. I missed my usual oatmeal combinations by today, the last day of the conference, but not too much! I'm definitely going to start rotating oatmeal with the yogurt/granola combo, especially because I feel my weight has dropped over the past week or so. But that's for another discussion.

Each morning at breakfast, I grabbed an apple and granola bar to eat for snack since I noticed intense hunger by 11 or 11:30 am. I'm proud of myself for adding this snack since breakfast concluded at 8 am and lunch didn't start until almost 1 pm, way too long for this revved up metabolism. Lunch was fine each day and consisted of a veggie sandwich and salad from a wonderful spread of food. It made me really appreciate the food I've been keeping myself from for all of these years. I'm truly sad by how much time I wasted and opportunities I let slip by in my 9-10 year struggle.

I ran into roadblocks each evening, mostly due to the fact I had to present my poster and run a booth in a conference room with an open bar. This is still so difficult and anxiety inducing that I'm almost positive the slip-ups I've experienced during recovery have stemmed directly from situations with alcohol involved. Anyway, I managed to get a healthy and tasty dinner each night, but ended up purging since I was alone in my room for each meal. Next time, I have to eat outside or somewhere without a beckoning bathroom, and in the company of others. I did find something to snack on each night before bed though, a small victory in itself.

Anyway, I was hoping to have time for more updates during the conference, but I was very busy, running from sessions to our booth, to my room to finish work, etc. I'm ready to head home to my P and his Lula dog now, and I'm glad I've managed to (mostly) enjoy the conference and show myself I can be somewhat accountable to myself at this point in recovery.

Can't wait to be back in Atlanta for my next post! P and I and another couple are going to the Lion King this evening!

Eating like a normal person, y'all

Day 1 of the conference.

It's only 9:13 am and I've already started my day strong. I ran 6 miles this morning, practically before the sun came up, then showered and fixed myself up fancy. (On a normal day, I shower in literally 3-4 minutes, stick my hair up, and run out the door, so a good blow-dry is a rare, rare occurrence).

So it's 7:45 am and I'm ready for the conference early. Breakfast is served until 8, and I am initially ambivalent about going to a free buffet style breakfast, but I feel good about my day already, so I go for it. I am so glad I did because I managed to grab a delicious breakfast without any calculation, planning, or guilt. I was craving yogurt and granola, even though my usual safe breakfast of oatmeal was available. It ended up being the best choice ever - vanilla yogurt (who knows and who cares if it was low-fat), granola, raisins, and sweetly fantastic dried pineapple heaven. I also grabbed a coffee and now I'm sipping on a homemade chai "latte" with 2% milk, two bags of Mighty Leaf Chai, and sweetener. Its delicious and I'm presently, appropriately full and able to pay 100% attention to the conference speakers. Well, except for the fact I'm blogging instead of listening, huh?

Just kidding, I'm a hell of a multitasker, so I am blogging and listening from my seat with a bag full of stolen snacks by my side - granny smith apples, tea bags, granola bars, and trail mix, that I have no intention of doing anything but enjoying if I get hungry. I'm looking forward to posting on lunch and dinner later!

Big Test

Vacation was the biggest challenge I think I'll face this early in recovery, but less than a week later, I'm heading into another significant challenge. I was very anxious going into vacation, mostly about the sobriety part, but I feel much less anxiety going into a 3-day conference in Texas. The conference is a meeting of dietitians who work in the field of genetic and metabolic disorders. I happen to be doing my dissertation on a population with PKU, a genetic disorder, so I'm presenting some of my work and also helping to man a booth for my dissertation adviser.

I'm riding public transportation to the airport and I'm feeling excited instead of nervous. My most significant challenge will be staying in a hotel room by myself, but I'm not going to let myself think of that in advance, or make any plans to abuse my freedom. I find that when I expect or plan on something happening, the chances that it will are 100%. I have no desire to binge or purge on this trip and I have a goal of coming home on Saturday and announcing to Peter I did not purge once.

To make this weekend a success though, I'm going to have to eat and eat foods I'm not completely comfortable with. I am planning for a healthy amount of exercise each morning before activities, pending my knee is okay, and plenty of outdoor activities in the evening after the conference concludes each day. I can't restrict or label foods as good or bad or I will end up compensating, which always results in the binge purge. I'm also thinking back to all of the other trips I've made to new and exciting cities, spent with my head in the toilet, miserable, broke, and so sick. I have never been to Dallas before, and I'm not about to mess this up!

I will use this blog as a resource to help ne through any urges or difficult times, so hopefully I can get some great posting in over the next few days!

Easter Revelation

It's beautiful in the great city of Atlanta today, and a wonderful day to celebrate two holidays, Easter and 4/20. I have yet to partake in any activities celebrating either of these occasions, but I may rally for a smoke and an egg hunt, in the name of recovery of course.

On a more serious note, this post is dedicated to exploring the struggles I've experienced over the past few days. I miraculously managed to get 3 days off my demanding school/work, and P and I joined 5 friends on a beach vacation. I had been so excited about the time off and the opportunity to continue the progress in P and my relationship, and it wasn't until days before the trip that I began to consider my readiness.

The crew at the beach was rowdy - drinking and drugs - and prone to eatinf whatever the hell they want (though I've gathered this is a quality among normal individuals). I love the beach so I wasn't extraordinarily worried about sobriety, but we literally had rainy, windy weather the entire time. I survived the first few days with a morning 6 mile run and a lot of reading. P and the entire crew were great, quick to express support and make me a virgin anything. No one questioned my health-conscious eating or, as the days passed, lack of.

By the last two days, my willpower was shot. Rainy beach walks and trips into town while everyone else, well, tripped, couldn't contain my anxiety, compounded by the pressure I felt in every you're doing so well! statement. I spend the last night of the trip binging and purging outside. Peter caught me, and then again last night after we'd arrived home, and while I didn't lie, I was horribly embarrassed.

Vacations are meant to reset, but I've learned my lesson about assuming I'm recovered, not in recovery. I'm still doing too much, too soon and I have to get back on track. I've chosen to stay in the danger zone most of today, running 6 miles, eating only oatmel so far, and now walking 4 miles because the weather is just gorgeous and it's the weekend and a holiday! But I feel my body responding so I'm determined to finish my walk and visit my favorite coffee shop for a hot peppermint tea to help my aching throat and whatever the hell coffee shop treat I want. Followed by an AA meeting,  substantial dinner with my boyfriendx and sincere amends and let him know I promise to get back on track.

Happy Easter Sunday and/or 4/20. Make it your goal today to get back on the path to recovery and health if you're off track. Best wishes!

Update on going public with my eating disorder and substance abuse

Since I announced that I went to treatment at Renfrew Florida yesterday to the entire world via Facebook, I've had such an amazing and positive response. But there's a catch. 

I can't tell if it's the focus on the eating disorder or me second-guessing the decision the publicize my deepest, darkest secrets, but last night and today have been difficult. I had several slip-ups after dinner and snacks last night and feel a very strong urge to restrict today. As I type this, I'm taking my lunch break to walk several miles under the guise of getting coffee. I feel anxious about the fact that I'm really hungry right now after my usual breakfast and that I'm in my usually full office by myself today. In the past, and even last week, I'd always eat and purge through days like this after restriction all day.

I've come to the conclusion while writing this post though, that I'm not going to do that. Instead, coffee and confidence in hand, I'm going to march into Publix and get whatever Katie (that's me) wants on her veggie wrap. If it's hard as hell, that's okay because I'll remember that I'm now accountable to my 600+ facebook friends, family, and coworkers. When I go to the gym after work, I will not consider every bit of exercise in mile equivalents. I will work up a sweat if my overused knee doesn't put up too much of a fuss and then... I'll go home, shower, and not think twice about calories in and calories out.

I also just reached out to several friends to organize dinner out tonight. That's what I have in store for you, ya pain in the ass eating disorder. This vent really helped! Thanks for listening, blogmosphere and happy weekend!

Going public

Today, in light of 60 days of sobriety, a lot of hard work, and my struggles as of late, I decided to post about my eating disorder and sobriety on Facebook. Most people I've known well over the years have an idea about my disordered eating, but it feels incredibly awesome to come clean and hear from close friends from the past. I've also received several surprises in the form of messages and support from friends and family who have also dealt with, or are dealing with, eating disorders or substance abuse.

Most importantly, a younger girl who attends the summer camp my research group organizes each summer messaged me for more information about the Renfrew Center. If I can inspire one person to get help, I've been successful in my own journey to help others find and maintain recovery.

60 days sober!

Today is my 60th day of sobriety! I just thought I'd brag a little on myself since today has been pretty rough otherwise. I also thought I'd brag a little because I made it through a hip hop show (Mob Deep, heard of them?) this weekend, surrounded by a bunch of really inebriated individuals, including my party of four, stone cold sober. At one point, an idiot friend even shoved a drink in my hand to hold his drink while he went to the bathroom. If I can make it through that, what can't I make it through?

I hope I can apply that sort of will power and drive to maintain good habits in all aspects of my recovery, too.

Happy sobriety! I don't think I've been more proud of much else in my entire life!

The truth about slip-ups

This is going to be a very self-serving post. I've had a really difficult two days and I want to really dig deep and explore what's at the root of these slip-ups. 

First, a little background and morw of an update on my life after residential than my last post. I'm back at school which is a gentle way to say, I went back to my normal life and professional routine wayyyy fast after leaving residential. Perhaps I overestimated my progress, basing my success off those first couple of honeymoon weeks after Renfrew. Every weekday, I get up at 7:00 am, a much different story than my alcoholic past. I feel great when I wake up, kiss my boyfriend, let the dog out, take a shower, make a tea latte with soy milk, and get my wet-haired unmade-up self to my office at school before 8. The usual routine is to eat my fruit and oatmeal for breakfast around 9:30 when my appetite really kicks in. After fooding, I do my thing (which, this week, is reviewing journal articles for my systematic review to comprise chapter 1 of my dissertation) until it's time to get the hook up for lunch with a Publix veggie wrap, complete with cheese and mayo oh my. This fills me up and keeps me thinking and performing well until my afternoon snack around 3:30 or 4.

At the end of the work day, it's off to the races. Literally. I sprint around town in the every day more beautiful weather for 30-45 minutes (okay, I admit it's 6.2 miles) every day. I go to my boyfriend's apartment which has become home base full time, unless I have a support group or social function. No drinking. Eating enough to appear to be eating. Accidentally purge. Still too damn good at it. Getting better. Slip. Back. Down.

So. I trick myself into cheating through my day and I wonder how I could get so off track while following the rules? I'm on the eliptical now, at 8:50 on a Friday night, after purging everything but breakfast today, and I'm going to figure this out once and for all. There is no such thing as compensation during recovery, no half-assing, no bending of rules. Tomorrow I do 100!%.