Which haiku do you like best to post on Facebook for my 90 days tomorrow?
90 days sober
I'm just telling ya, facebook
Ain't even over
What up 90 days
Of being super sober
Ain't even over
It's been 90 days
And I'm feeling super fly
Got that sober vibe
On that sober grind
For 90 days in a row
Feeling fly fo sho
It's been 90 days
And I'm proud of my time spent
Kicking it sober
The more I meet with my therapist, the more apparent it becomes that I have a lot of work to do completely unrelated to calories, weight, exercise, and alcohol. I've never really been one to buy into psychotherapy and deep-seeded issues and the like, but as my perspective on my eating disorder is changing, I'm realizing it really is so so much more than food.
One of my main issues is not knowing how to ask for what I want or need. I always try to be as independent as possible, never needing anything from anyone. I'm the flexible friend you can take anywhere, the girlfriend that caters to your every need while forcing a smile, the graduate student that can't say no. I'm not sure if it's some immature fear of rejection or not being the best at everything, but living life for others is way too exhausting.
I've also discovered I am not comfortable expressing what I perceive as negative emotions like anger, sadness, and disappointment. I shove these feelings deep down inside of me and don't let myself acknowledge they exist. I think this is another manifestation of my extreme perfectionism and need to please others, but it's definitely something that has to change.
For example, yesterday I took a huge step in asking my boyfriend, P, to call me in the evening so I could have something to look forward to and a reason to keep myself from purging. P left for an out of town trip yesterday and though he's only gone through tomorrow, I wanted to be fine on my own to reassure myself I'll be okay next week when he's gone again Monday through Friday. Anyway, I came home after work to let his dog out, instead of my usual routine of running right after work. He hadn't texted or contacted me all day and when I walked into his apartment, I was pretty disappointed to find very clear evidence that he and his work friends had drank a lot before heading to the airport. Two bottles of liquor (not empty) and many shot glasses were sitting right on the kitchen counter to welcome me.
Now I should have reached out for support immediately. I should have expressed my disappointment which turned into anger when I hadn't heard from P by 10 pm. I understand he's on a work field trip, but I needed him, or someone to express my struggles. Instead, I binged and purged everything I consumed that evening.
This can't happen again or I have to at least recognize my feelings and address them before they send me into a tailspin. I'm hoping for a much better day today or I may have to discuss other options for next week with P. My morning walk and blog has definitely made me feel better though, so thanks for being my ear, blogmosphere!
Today I met with my dietitian, a lovely lady who works at my university's student health center. We do a blind weight every week, but actually sit down to have a little chat every other week.
When I started the process of getting help back in the fall, I was so hesitant to see a dietitian. But I have a master's in nutrition and am an RD myself, I claimed! A lot of good that was doing me....
Anyway, I absolutely love going to the dietitian. I've told her I need tough love to keep me motivated and moving in the right direction. She is very open and honest with me in her assessments of how I'm currently doing, what my weight gain and overall goals are, and how to best achieve goals. I feel good after meeting with her and ready to tackle the challenges and goals she gives me at each appointment. Today was particularly important for me since P is leaving for another few days tomorrow, and then a whole week. I'm lucky to have such an awesome treatment team.
A dietitian may get a bad rep among those of us with eating disorders since they are responsible for food plans, changes and additions, and weight goals. Whatever you think of your dietitian though, remember they (usually she) has your best interest and health in mind. Recommendations and treatment plans are there to help you, even if they're extraordinarily scary. Listen to what your dietitian is saying, ignore your eating disorder, and maybe it'll all start making some sense.
It's Monday morning and I'm doing something I really shouldn't be doing this early in the morning, after a mostly successful weekend, and to start off a new week.
After about 30 minutes at my desk, I couldn't get a pretty terrible knot out of my stomach. I feel very anxious and tense this morning and I think it's because of the amount and type of food I ate yesterday. While it was all delicious, I pushed myself far out of my comfort zone, to the point where I wasn't comfortable with feelings of hunger by dinner time. Instead of listening to my body, I snacked on safe foods - popcorn, granola bars, carrots, and while I did eat enough and feel full eventually, the constant grazing and volume prompted a strong urge to purge. Unfortunately, I didn't think things through and ended up throwing in the towel. I'm really disappointed in general, but also because the rest of the weekend had been so wonderful. I also hate that feeling hungry (and full) still make me anxious.
So this morning my stomach was pretty upset and I have wicked acid reflux. I think my body is so confused by how well I do sometimes, eating enough at proper times, and how terrible I still treat it at others, purging or binging and purging or restricting. I decided to take a walk before it gets really hot, so here I am, 1.5 miles from my office, blogging and actually feeling better. Now I just have to accept blogging quietly at my desk instead of during a compensation speed walk.
My friends hit up the farmer's market this afternoon and I couldn't pass up another trip, especially since lunch was approaching. I decided to continue my adventurous streak and try something new.
I wasn't really in the mood for wood-fired pizza which is what my friends decided on for a couple of reasons. Pizza is definitely still a fear food, and I thought it would be too much experimentation after the donut for breakfast. So I settled for a Korean steamed bun with mushrooms and kimchi. I've never had a steamed bun before, let alone kimchi, and I'm so glad I tried it!
