Restructuring my days/daze

I've been trying to come up with ways to get myself back on track and out of this recovery slump I find myself wallowing in.

It's very important to me that I'm not as dependent on P being physically present to do well. On my own at the conference and this week while he's been out of town have been especially rocky. I'm so lucky to have an awesome treatment team (my therapist, dietitian, psychiatrist, and primary care doc) to help when times get rough though. 

I've decided the current structure of my days lends itself to several slip-up potentials. I've been getting to work early and exercising (too much) after work, going to AA or a support group, and eating dinner super late when I'm starving. Instead, I'm going to do my 4-6 miles in the morning before work, eat more for breakfast and lunch, go to an earlier meeting after work, and eat dinner much earlier. This will really prevent overworking since I've been doing 8-5s most days, overexercising like I'm prone to when I'm only accountable to myself after work, and late dinners and snacks which set me up to purge. It will also fuel my appetite earlier in the day and reduce general anxiety I feel before I get to exercise, though hopefully that anxiety fades completely over time. Finally, it will give me a reason to resist purging at night since waking up with a purging hangover and running is just as bad as an alcohol-induced hangover.

I can't wait to start this routine tomorrow to test it out!

Lingering ED Thoughts

Lunch today.

I can feel eating disorder thoughts and anxieties lingering, particularly in certain situations. Anytime I have control of the situation, from when I get to exercise and how much to preparing my own food, I am okay. As soon as I lose that element of control though, I slip.

I went to Publix to get my usual lunch yesterday and it was a very revealing experience. I always order a veggie wrap from their deli and each of the deli gals makes the wrap a little differently. Apparently this little difference is still enough to displease the ol eating disorder.

The extremely nice lady who made my wrap started by adding way too much mayo. It's a big triumph for me to even consider full-fat mayo on anything, so I experienced an actual physiological response to my lack of control over how much was added to my food. Next, she added too many slices of cheese, more than my usual, safe 2 measly triangles. At this point, I couldn't contain my facial expressions or body language expressing my anxiety as she continued to add too much of everything. The olives sent me overboard and I actually made a snide comment to this poor woman.

Because she was really doing me a two-fold favor - providing ingredients in higher quantites than standard, and providing me with a challenge to actually eat somethin normal, substantial, and not pre-determined as safe.

I've felt horrible that I've slipped in recover enough that it's affecting my daily routine, my work and personal relationships, and now even my interactions with total strangers. Luckily, I've been able to hash out what's going on with my backslide as of late with my therapist and I'll include our plan im my next post!

Hang in there folks, it's almost Friday. And don't forget to be nice to the Publix deli folks who really have your best interests at heart anyway!

Renfrew Center information

I've been meaning to write something about my experience at the Renfrew Center in Coconut Creek, Florida. Following my facebook reveal, I received a message from a friend asking about treatment at Renfrew. I thought I'd at least share my response and write detailed descriptions when I have more time. My response obviously does not include any information identifying my friend!

"It is SO good to hear from you. Please, please, please don't hesitate to contact Renfrew or any treatment program in your area if you even think you're possibly interested. The initial assessments are free and you're not tied to anything - just gather some information about your treatment options and go from there.

Renfrew was a great experience. I started in their outpatient program which met 3 evenings per week (with dinner) in December but that wasn't enough support for me, so I moved up to their day treatment program. It was 5 days a week from 8:30-3pm. That also didn't work for me because I found ways around the rules (I don't recommend this approach if you go for outpatient or a day program somewhere - just comply! they know what they're doing!). So I ended up in residential in Florida. They also have a residential program in Philadelphia - both are equally respected. Residential really saved my life, broke my bad habits, and taught me how to love food again. You are assigned a therapist and a dietitian and they work with you to develop a treatment plan.

Every day, there's breakfast, lunch, and dinner (all very reasonable portions designed to maintain weight) and for weight gain, you're given a certain number of snacks and/or supplements throughout the day. Refeeding is a scary and difficult process at first, but with the support of 40-50 other girls, it ends up being manageable. Everyone at Renfrew is really great and I promise it isn't as scary as it sounds. You go at your own pace and the other girls in the program are so wonderful. I was there for a month and most people tend to stay for 1 month up to 3-4 months, depending on their situation. Do you have any specific questions? I'm always happy to answer.

You are such a strong and inspirational young lady and I would love to help support you along the way. I know it will be difficult, but hang in there and know that you deserve recovery from this. You can do it! It's so much fun on the other side!"

Please don't hesitate to comment with any other questions!

Staying busy

Its Monday, y'all! I just finished my oatmeal and raisin concoction for breakfast and am waiting to lecture to a class of Master's degree seeking students. I find it ironic that I'm lecturing to these kids as a "professional", a dietitian with a master's degree, and a 4th year PhD candidate at a pretty dang good university. But these kids are really my age and older and likely have their lives together much better than the dietitian over here, wondering what she'll have for lunch and if she'll keep it down already.

Somehow, with a raging case of alcoholism and bulimia, restrictive, and over-exercising tendencies, I graduated with a bachelor of science in Nutrition and a minor in psychology in 3 years of undergrad. During my 4th year of school, I managed to finish a combined dietetic internship and master's in public health nutrition. I also managed a bar, working upwards of 25 hours each week. During this time, I was chronically tired, hungry, lonely, and angry at myself for turning into a super functional fuck up. It's fairly well known that the HALT acronym (hungry, angry, tired, loney) nails the triggers for eating disorder behavior, so it's no wonder I was so sick throughout college.

I have only recently understood how important several key ideas are to recovery from pretty much anything. The first idea is to accept help from others. We are often perfectionists, always doing and going and providing, and never cutting our eating disordered selves a break. It's unthinkable to ask for anything, let alone help for a problem. I have learned that recovery is not possible without accepting help from friends, family, support groups, and your team of professionals responsible for taking care of you. The second idea is to relax. You must schedule down time for yourself and you must learn how to do nothing. Whether your down time is spent taking a nap, lounging on the couch, or laying by a pool, it's so so important to make sure you're successful in recovery. Don't underestimate the power of doing nothing!

This brings me back to the reason I'm writing this post. I'm listening to the first lecturer right now and ready to give my portion of the lecture soon, and my mind is begging me for a break. With the conference last week, I worked long hours and only had Sunday to mysef. I need down time and I need it soon! I'm hungrier than usual, more tired on shorter runs, and more irritable than I prefer. These are all signs that I'm pushing too hard right now and even undoing some of the hard work I've put into recovery. So, during this week while P is out of town, I'm going to leave work at the end of my 8.5 hours, not bring anything home to finish, and focus on filling my evenings with rest, support groups like ANAD and AA (both of which I truly enjoy), and a big bunch of nothing.

I think I'm doing a good enough job in eating, exercise, and sobriety that I trust myself with unstructured down time, but I also know I'm prone to slip-ups. But! I have a ton of friends to catch up with this week and a whole dang memoir to write and publish. So I should be a-okay!

I'd love to hear from you readers through comments and/or messages. Who's out there reading my meaningless words? What are your favorite down time activities? I need some new hobbies and welcome your feedback!

Outside breakfast!

I'm on my own for breakfast and I love what I've put together. I love breakfast foods more than anything and I've missed my oatmeal creations while out of town at the conference.

This morning/afternoon, breakfast morphed into brunch, a usual happening on the weekend for me. I enjoy sleeping in and with the sore throat I'm battling, today's sleep in was extra awesome.

For breakfast, I have a big mug of Tazo Iced Blushberry Black tea, a black tea with deep crimson notes of black raspberry, huckleberry, and strawberry (description right off the box - I'd say it's pretty accurate), perfect as I lounge in the sun. I was also craving a good coffee after relying on conference coffee for days. I make french pressed coffee using Community Coffee Breakfast Blend grounds, and it's so delicious without any sweetener. A goal of mine is to cut back on artificial sweeteners and eliminate them completely some day, so I've become really fond of black coffee with just milk, exactly what I whipped up.

My main breakfast entree is a big bowl of good ol oatmeal, filled with everything I was craving this morning. I used 2 packets of lower sugar instant oatmeal - 1 apple cinnamon, 1 maple and brown sugar - and dashes of cinnamon and nutmeg, cooked in soy milk. Once cooked, I added a little bit of butter, a whole sliced banana, a mini packet of raisins, and pecan pieces. It's delicious!

Sunday

It's a beautiful day today and I'm glad to be back home in Atlanta. I am going to have a difficult week ahead of me as I'll be staying alone at P's apartment to dog sit Lula while he's out of town.

I figure if I'm going to succeed, I have to make plans and if/then statements now. I am almost always okay at work. I go in at 8 am and leave at the end of the day, usually 4:30 or 5. On most days, I run immediately after work, occupy myself by taking a walk to get a snack or doing some more work at the office, then go to an AA meeting, support group, or out with my friends after that. My day is going to change pretty drastically since I'll have to come home and let Lula out of her crate.

So here's what I'm thinking (I know this isn't interesting to readers, but it helps me tremendously to outline this for myself!). I'll get to work early as usual, and run after work right at 4:30 for 30 minutes, since that's all I'm supposed to do anyway. I'll head right over to P's apartment after that and walk Lula for a little while, stopping at my favorite coffee shop in P's neighborhood for my post-run snack. After that, I'll still go to my support group or AA meeting, then eat dinner after and that should work out fine. If I sense any trouble, or room for screw ups on Monday, I'll dig a little deeper and figure out what I can do to avoid these situations during the rest of the week.

I really want to be able to trust myself alone soon. I hate that I'm still very reliant on my routines and others, particularly P, to "monitor" me, even though he doesn't even know he's doing it. Just by hanging out with him every evening while I eat dinner and an evening snack helps tremendously and I truly hope I can rely on self-accountability in the immediate future.

In the mean time, I want to enjoy my beautiful Sunday and get some beautiful sun and outside activities in today, particularly the farmer's market (which I love and have money for today!!) and a neighborhood festival that I'm particularly fond of. To Sundays!

Half Recovered

I only have 30 minutes of internet on my flight right now because I'm too much of a cheap ass to spend $9 for a full hour, but I thought I'd pass the time by posting about something that's been on my mind, my current state of semi-recovery.

Right now, I am partially following rules and recommendations, when it's convenient and what I deem as the best practice for me. I have yet to come to terms with the amount of snacks I'm supposed to have, the frequency and duration of exercise I'm "allowed", and definitely my goal weight of 120 at a little over 5'4". It's easy for me to play the part of perfect compliance, but I'm never 100% honest or accountable to myself. And I've figured out that I'm never going to reach recovery, true recovery, not this still half-sick bullshit until I accept weight gain, my body, and maybe even the advice of others.

The first change I'm going to make is eliminating the repetitive nature of the diet pattern I've been having every single day. I have to get out of my comfort zone and get rid of even the smallest remnants of disordered eating like what time I can have meals, how much I have to exercise every day, and how I have to compensate for things like going out to eat or taking a travel day. I am not going to rely on the have tos, musts, can'ts, won'ts, and don'ts. Instead, I'm going to introduce a new level of flexibility into my days and weeks. I have to keep going to AA meetings so I don't use changes-in-diet-and-physical-activity-induced anxiety as an excuse to start drinking again.

My boyfriend will be out of town this week, and I will once again be left to my own devices, but I'm going to write, read, and dive back into recovery full steam ahead. I think taking away the ever increasing restrictions will really help!

Happy Saturday!