Productive days are good days

I never imagined how, as a hyperproductive person during the week, unproductive I became on the weekends with my eating disorder and drinking. Days were spent sleeping off hangovers, taking walks for hours, eating and throwing up. It was certainly better in the summer when I could distract myself from hunger and exhaustion by being outside, but I think it's safe to say most weekends from age 19-25 were spent like this.

Today, sober but still teetering on the edge of an eating disorder, I can still experience what weekends are supposed to be like. It's one of the most difficult things I've ever had to attempt, but leaving alcohol and restricting in the past has made me realize how much time, money, and energy I've wasted. It does no good to focus on regrets and wishes about the past, though, so I've made an effort to live in the present.

Which, despite the eating disorder remnants, is pretty damn good. I hope you all choose the present over the past and future, and put yourself and your recovery before everything else!

As usual, I blog while I walk and today, that happens to be in my hood. I went to a new all women AA meeting this morning and it was just what I needed before spending the day cleaning my room for my sister to move in tomorrow. Particularly because I may not have been able to handle the amount of alcohol bottles and food wrappers and containers I've tossed out.

I'll leave you with a picture of a landmark establishment down the skreet from my cozy little apartment. Note to self, come home more and relish in the non-codependent lifestlye of freedom and successful accountability.

Post hectic-work-day dog run

Many of my posts this week include my good gal Lula. Her pops, P, is out of town for work and while we miss him, the ladies enjoy some bonding time too. Today was a particularly stressful day at work for a variety of reasons and I'm so glad to come home and take a walk with my girl.

My dissertation project will wrap up its second phase of data collection in about a month, so everything at work is crazy. Luckily, I started my day with my run so I was less prone to anxiety, but my regular meals were seriously disrupted with out of the office meetings at 9, 10, and 11:30. I planned ahead and brought snacks, though not enough to constitute meals, leaving me starving at the end of the morning. With a Publix veggie wrap to save the day though, I got back on track. I am so glad that I feel worried instead of proud when I know I don't eat enough.

Tonight, I'm walking with Lula (now in the sprinkling rain), going to an eating disorder support group for the first time in weeks, then coming home to cook dinner and rest up for Thursday!

Staying busy

Lula and I running errands to keep myself occupied...

Black and white thinking

I met with my sponsor yesterday before an 8pm meeting and we chatted quite extensively about black and white thinking, all or nothinc mentality, deprivation versus excess. The similarities between alcoholics and those with certain eating disorder tendencies is quite phenomenal and more and more apparent as I try to tackle both issues.

Recovery from alcoholism involves no spectrum, no holding onto habits, no intuitive consumption. The recovering alcoholic does not drink alcohol, plain and simple. All recovery strategies involve replacing a with b. The recovering anorexic/bulimic cannot simply remove their substance of choice as that's the strategy that got them a diagnosis in the first place!

I am certainly finding that abstaining from drinking is leaps and bounds easier than the eating disorder addiction my mind can't let go of. It's so much easier for me, as an addict, to remove completely; anything that must be constantly adjusted on a spectrum becomes damn near impossible. It is not a cookie for me - it is no cookies forever or all of them. Just lije drinking was never one beer, it was all of them to blacking out and not being able to walk or, well, never none.

I have to learn how to manage substances, including food on a spectrum and eliminate this black and white thinking if I truly want recovery. Ain't no way around it.

Shaky knees music festival

Today I had more fun at a music festival than I've ever had with company I barely know. My sponsor, her sponsor and her man interest, and another chica were a sober dream team. They made me feel so comfortable, even when everyone was wasted at the end and a drunk man spilled beer all over my face. My first instinct wasn't even to lick that beer off my lip! I suppose that's the power of being around other sober people!

Sobriety aside, I didn't do the best job with eating and exercise today. I did my 6 miles this morning then walked 3 miles round trip to Kroger. I also walked 1.2 miles each way from my car to the festival. I had a protein bar and a hearty batch of oatmeal before the festival, but nothing substantial there. I did eat a pack of peanuts at least, but I've literally been on my feet the entire day. I plan on cooking up something good when I get back to P's place!

In other news, Alabama Shakes' song, Hold On, was unanimously voted best recovery song.

AA and being open minded

Its Sunday again - sure seems like the weeks fly by these days.

My 90 day sober-versary came and went on Friday and it mostly seemed like just another day. Except for meeting with my sponsor to start my first step and getting a red chip for 90 days at an AA meeting. The 8pm groups I've been going to are fantastic and the folks are people I genuinely want to be friends with. I've come a long way from scoffing at AA, citing my lack of religion as grounds to dismiss it completely.

Now, I look forward to meetings and events with sober folks. I'm going to an all-day music festival with my sponsor and her group today, and there's no way I could go with my non-sober friends. I can't wait to share my passion, music, with new, sober people. With any other crowd, I would be terrified to have to stay strong during a whole day of drinking and eating fear foods. I would have worried about affecting others' fun by being sober. Not anymore because now I can be selfish and think of myself - make sure I'm having fun.

AA has also humbled me greatly already, made me a more honest and accountable person. At the meeting on Friday, the good-looking guy who keeps asking me to hang out with his group after meetings asked me point blank if I went to rehab to already be at 90 days. I didn't think twice to answer yes, and tell him it was also for an eating disorder. AA allows me to express my most personal secrets to strangers, but strangers I relate to and trust more than most of my closest friends.

I'm so happy I've given myself the opportunity to branch out and reframe my stubborn thoughts to try something new. Finally.

Life continues

I can't reiterate the importance of realizing life goes on, no matter what you are going through. Do not expect others to treat you any differently because you are having a bad day, you are struggling with symptoms, you broke up with your boyfriend, or you've just overcome a significant challenge.

Good and bad things happen to people every single day, and it's the way you learn to react to situations that truly matters. I find when I'm engaging in symptoms - purging, isolating, restricting, over-exercising, etc - I do not handle stressful situations well. For example....

I have a single argument with P,
but catastrophize the situation until the argument results in a break-up,
blaming my eating disorder, lack of self-esteem, and self for everything,
particularly the fact that I give up on myself and people if they let me down just once,
leaving me ... uphappy and alone ...

Today, I want everyone to know that my eating disorder and other issues are ruining my relationship, but I'm 90 days sober. I want sympathy and recognition, and recognition and applause. I need validation for every emotion, an explanation and reason for everything. I need to be perfect. What I really need to do is let it go already.