Easter Revelation

It's beautiful in the great city of Atlanta today, and a wonderful day to celebrate two holidays, Easter and 4/20. I have yet to partake in any activities celebrating either of these occasions, but I may rally for a smoke and an egg hunt, in the name of recovery of course.

On a more serious note, this post is dedicated to exploring the struggles I've experienced over the past few days. I miraculously managed to get 3 days off my demanding school/work, and P and I joined 5 friends on a beach vacation. I had been so excited about the time off and the opportunity to continue the progress in P and my relationship, and it wasn't until days before the trip that I began to consider my readiness.

The crew at the beach was rowdy - drinking and drugs - and prone to eatinf whatever the hell they want (though I've gathered this is a quality among normal individuals). I love the beach so I wasn't extraordinarily worried about sobriety, but we literally had rainy, windy weather the entire time. I survived the first few days with a morning 6 mile run and a lot of reading. P and the entire crew were great, quick to express support and make me a virgin anything. No one questioned my health-conscious eating or, as the days passed, lack of.

By the last two days, my willpower was shot. Rainy beach walks and trips into town while everyone else, well, tripped, couldn't contain my anxiety, compounded by the pressure I felt in every you're doing so well! statement. I spend the last night of the trip binging and purging outside. Peter caught me, and then again last night after we'd arrived home, and while I didn't lie, I was horribly embarrassed.

Vacations are meant to reset, but I've learned my lesson about assuming I'm recovered, not in recovery. I'm still doing too much, too soon and I have to get back on track. I've chosen to stay in the danger zone most of today, running 6 miles, eating only oatmel so far, and now walking 4 miles because the weather is just gorgeous and it's the weekend and a holiday! But I feel my body responding so I'm determined to finish my walk and visit my favorite coffee shop for a hot peppermint tea to help my aching throat and whatever the hell coffee shop treat I want. Followed by an AA meeting,  substantial dinner with my boyfriendx and sincere amends and let him know I promise to get back on track.

Happy Easter Sunday and/or 4/20. Make it your goal today to get back on the path to recovery and health if you're off track. Best wishes!

Update on going public with my eating disorder and substance abuse

Since I announced that I went to treatment at Renfrew Florida yesterday to the entire world via Facebook, I've had such an amazing and positive response. But there's a catch. 

I can't tell if it's the focus on the eating disorder or me second-guessing the decision the publicize my deepest, darkest secrets, but last night and today have been difficult. I had several slip-ups after dinner and snacks last night and feel a very strong urge to restrict today. As I type this, I'm taking my lunch break to walk several miles under the guise of getting coffee. I feel anxious about the fact that I'm really hungry right now after my usual breakfast and that I'm in my usually full office by myself today. In the past, and even last week, I'd always eat and purge through days like this after restriction all day.

I've come to the conclusion while writing this post though, that I'm not going to do that. Instead, coffee and confidence in hand, I'm going to march into Publix and get whatever Katie (that's me) wants on her veggie wrap. If it's hard as hell, that's okay because I'll remember that I'm now accountable to my 600+ facebook friends, family, and coworkers. When I go to the gym after work, I will not consider every bit of exercise in mile equivalents. I will work up a sweat if my overused knee doesn't put up too much of a fuss and then... I'll go home, shower, and not think twice about calories in and calories out.

I also just reached out to several friends to organize dinner out tonight. That's what I have in store for you, ya pain in the ass eating disorder. This vent really helped! Thanks for listening, blogmosphere and happy weekend!

Going public

Today, in light of 60 days of sobriety, a lot of hard work, and my struggles as of late, I decided to post about my eating disorder and sobriety on Facebook. Most people I've known well over the years have an idea about my disordered eating, but it feels incredibly awesome to come clean and hear from close friends from the past. I've also received several surprises in the form of messages and support from friends and family who have also dealt with, or are dealing with, eating disorders or substance abuse.

Most importantly, a younger girl who attends the summer camp my research group organizes each summer messaged me for more information about the Renfrew Center. If I can inspire one person to get help, I've been successful in my own journey to help others find and maintain recovery.

60 days sober!

Today is my 60th day of sobriety! I just thought I'd brag a little on myself since today has been pretty rough otherwise. I also thought I'd brag a little because I made it through a hip hop show (Mob Deep, heard of them?) this weekend, surrounded by a bunch of really inebriated individuals, including my party of four, stone cold sober. At one point, an idiot friend even shoved a drink in my hand to hold his drink while he went to the bathroom. If I can make it through that, what can't I make it through?

I hope I can apply that sort of will power and drive to maintain good habits in all aspects of my recovery, too.

Happy sobriety! I don't think I've been more proud of much else in my entire life!

The truth about slip-ups

This is going to be a very self-serving post. I've had a really difficult two days and I want to really dig deep and explore what's at the root of these slip-ups. 

First, a little background and morw of an update on my life after residential than my last post. I'm back at school which is a gentle way to say, I went back to my normal life and professional routine wayyyy fast after leaving residential. Perhaps I overestimated my progress, basing my success off those first couple of honeymoon weeks after Renfrew. Every weekday, I get up at 7:00 am, a much different story than my alcoholic past. I feel great when I wake up, kiss my boyfriend, let the dog out, take a shower, make a tea latte with soy milk, and get my wet-haired unmade-up self to my office at school before 8. The usual routine is to eat my fruit and oatmeal for breakfast around 9:30 when my appetite really kicks in. After fooding, I do my thing (which, this week, is reviewing journal articles for my systematic review to comprise chapter 1 of my dissertation) until it's time to get the hook up for lunch with a Publix veggie wrap, complete with cheese and mayo oh my. This fills me up and keeps me thinking and performing well until my afternoon snack around 3:30 or 4.

At the end of the work day, it's off to the races. Literally. I sprint around town in the every day more beautiful weather for 30-45 minutes (okay, I admit it's 6.2 miles) every day. I go to my boyfriend's apartment which has become home base full time, unless I have a support group or social function. No drinking. Eating enough to appear to be eating. Accidentally purge. Still too damn good at it. Getting better. Slip. Back. Down.

So. I trick myself into cheating through my day and I wonder how I could get so off track while following the rules? I'm on the eliptical now, at 8:50 on a Friday night, after purging everything but breakfast today, and I'm going to figure this out once and for all. There is no such thing as compensation during recovery, no half-assing, no bending of rules. Tomorrow I do 100!%.

Recovery Ain't Easy

I haven't posted in a while because I've been so busy and focused on the momentum I carried out of residential. Luckily, I'm still on track and feeling positive though a stint in residential is ny no means a quick and easy fix. While P, my friends, and my family are easily convinced that I'm fixed as I scarff down breakfasts of oatmeal, lunches of veggie wraps with cheese and mayo, and dinners as wild as BBQ pork sandwiches, I still hear the eating disorder.

My biggest struggle has been resisting the urge to compensate for my daily food intake through exercise or sobriety. I'm over 45 days sober, but sometimes I worry it's the calories I'm avoiding instead of the fact that I'm likely an alcoholic. Either way, sobriety is helping me in every way except inducing hangovers bad enough to prevent over-exercising. Today at therapy, we worked on exploring how I'm still compensating and yes, occasionally purging and the impact of these behaviors on my recovery. I've vowed to keep a food and exercise log in an effort to keep myself in check, reimplement an escort system at home to make sure I'm not given the chance to purge after meals, and take a Boost every day I'm running to gain the weight my body lost after residential.

I am not going to have a completely perfect recovery process and that's okay. As long as I'm moving in the right direction, exploring the triggers underlying slip-ups, and trying my best to challenge all eating disorder thoughts, I can be very proud of myself every day.

Houston, we have recovery

So I made it through 27 days of residential treatment at the Renfrew Center of Coconut Creek, Florida. I didn't binge, run, overexercise, or drink for almost a month and I ain't dead yet. In fact, I feel better than I ever have. 

From now on, this blog will explain what real recovery from an eating disorder looks like and how beautiful life can be when you're actually living. 

It's a brand new chapter in my life and I'm so glad I've finally understood 26 isn't too late to start living. Happy Sunday, folks.