Purge

I wish I never learned to purge. If that option was completely off the table, I wonder what my recovery would feel like.

Purging has (again) become the equivalent of a compulsion, a need, an overwhelming sense of I have to.

I don't have to anything.

Anxiety

You know what's interesting? I'm about to give a 15-minute presentation on my dissertation data to an entire conference of people. I should be really nervous and anxious, right?

Things that make me more anxious than this very important talk: I haven't run yet today, I didn't purge dinner last night even though I wish I had, and the mini banana bread slice I just ate.

What's wrong with me? I can't seem to get my priorities straight for the life of me...

Thoughts

I've abandoned this blog as of late and I'm trying to pinpoint the reasons why. I'd like to say it's because I'm doing wildly well, skipping through recovery and sobriety without anything to document. Instead, the opposite is happening. I'm slipping and I'm scared to get help because I was doing well. I was moving forward, gaining weight and not caring, addressing issues in my life, accepting appointments and goal as requirements. And now I'm stagnant, choosing the aspects of recovery that fit into my life and plans instead of changing myself and my thoughts to accommodate progress.

Sometimes I want to give up and start drinking, starving, binging again. I do not look like a person with an eating disorder but I sure feel like one. Why not use the excuse that I'm still purging - why not conclude, fuck it?

My mom says, "great job, Katie! We are so proud!". My dad says, "you look healthy! Substantial! Keep it up!". Neither ask why I drive alone to get ice cream after our family dinner, purging on the way. My sponsor says, "you're killing sobriety, I'm so proud". Gives me homemade cookies. No, please.

I don't know how to let these people down. I cannot bring myself to admit to my parents the $4 grand we dropped on Renfrew should be considered an expense, not an investment given my current state. I cannot bring myself to tell my sponsor how I find sobriety pretty damn easy right now because, hellllllo people... alcohol = calories. I cannot tell my closest friends that they still need to follow me around or you better believe that 2% milk chai latte and yogurt ain't staying nowhere.

It's frustrating. I've been seeking help for almost a year now and while I've mastered the art of being therapized, I don't know where to go from here. I guess the only option is opening up, becoming completely honest with the people I haven't driven away, and putting in some major work.

Over-exercising

My mom was in town for the weekend and while it was great to see her (I hadn't since before going to rehab), a lot of issues tend to come up.

She's a compulsive exerciser like me and doesn't seem to recognize it as a problem at all. She's around 110 pounds at 5'4", but looks very underweight for her age. While she does eat, she runs 4 miles, plays hours of tennis, and takes an exercise class every day. Unfortunately, I'm afraid my parents don't get how their behavior may inflence their kids, and that it inevitably does.

Yesterday, mama didn't say anything about me not eating breakfast til 2 pm, running and then walking several miles with her. I dont know if I was testing her to see if she'd say anything or simply putting on the old competition hat and needing to always do more than her.

I hate this competitive nature. Especially now that I'm owning up to it as a possibility for why I ran 4 miles this morning and just ran 2 and am walking 3 more as soon as she left. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's the only action I've found that reduces the horrible amount of anxiety that's built up over this weekend.

At least the view from my walk is lovely.

Family time

Sometimes my family drives me nuts, but sometimes they truly save me from myself. As I'm trying to put my life back together after all that's happened this year - from taking a medical leave from my gradute program, to treatment, to sobriety, to the recent breakup - they've been so important.

Especially my sister who is currently sharing my apartment. She keeps me honest and accountable in a way that is much more productive to me learning how to keep myself accountable. I settled into a routine with P that was completely codependent and left me worse off really.

I'm simply glad to be where I am today - laying in the grass at Piedmont Park with my sister and mom - than almost anywhere else.

Happy weekend!

Three steps forward

Yesterday was my sister's birthday. We went and got tattoos! 

Three footsteps representing my steps away from bulimia, anorexia, and alcoholism. 

Always progress forward! 

Happy

Sometimes, you don't realize anything is wrong until you take a step away and acknowledge the possibility.

I will admit, it is the weekend and I've kept myself particularly busy, but I am happier than I've been in quite a while. With P, I was always sacrificing something, compromising more than I intended, and working my already overworked self to death to keep things in line. Expending enough effort for the both of us wore me the hell out and I lost myself and my sense of independence completely. Now, I'm forced to keep myself accountable and make my decisions for myself and only myself. Now, I understand just how much I'd abandoned myself.

I am looking forward to my new freedom, and taking care of myself with the same intensity I put into my relationship. One must put themselves first or else nothing else matters.