Nothingness

I want to shrink into nothingness again. And I'm scared that nothing in me is warning, bad idea.

One day at a time

It's after midnight and I'm dedicating this post to announce... 24 hours purge free!!!

Skinny enough to have a disorder

Over time, my mindset on being sick has evolved. For the first year of my eating disorder, I sought extreme thinness through strange eating rituals and extreme exercise. When I went to college, I lost more weight, to a dangerous and perceptible degree. I denied any problem.

As I numbed myself through the first and second semester, people commented. Are you anorexic? Why are you so skinny? I glowed.

Thn I drank. And gained about 30 pounds by the start of my second year. My family noticed and didn't shy from telling me. I hated myself and my body and I definitely didn't have an eating disorder or substance abuse issues.

Something clicked. I had to shrink again. I tried purging. Then eating less. Then running. I was back to almost underweight by the end of my 4th year of college, purging multiple times a day after consuming huge or normal portions of anything I could get my hands on and running 8-10 miles. But I am not disordered because I am not 70 pounds.

Except that bulimia is an eating disorder too. Despite the shame and embarrassment, it is dangerous and disruptive, even deadly. It took me 9 years to accept anything was medically or emotionally wrong with me. That I needed help before dropping below 100 pounds. That's what it finally took to take my disorder seriously. Bradycardia and a heart murmur.

Now that I am halfway weight restored though, it's so easy to consider myself fixed. But I still meet and exceed the criteria for bulimia, purging every day and binging more than I can admit. So how long do I continue my long standing habit of denial? I'm not anorexic so I'm not sick enough to get help.

Bulimia is a horrible addiction of the mind, body and soul.

I wonder how much longer my heart will struggle to beat and I wonder why I can't care.

Tired

I've been tired lately. Not the kind of tired that is remedied with a good night's sleep, the kind of tired that shows in my posture and my face and my mannerisms.

I think I use tired to numb. I float around from meeting to task to desk to school to meeting. Too busy for appointments, too tired to care.

I want to be numb. When I have something I love to keep me wanting to feel, I don't seek out the tired. It's when I have myself and work, and that's it, that I can't sit with myself without wanting to be anywhere else. 

Just justify

Why yes, I'm walking 1.5 miles each way to campus to teach today. The traffic on North Decatur makes it much slower to drive of course, and I'm reviewing my lecture on the way.

Why no, you haven't seen me eat anything but coffee today. I'll eat on the way! See... here's an apple.

Dark circles under the eyes? That's allergies like everyone else, certainly not starvation, bulimia, or sleepless nightmare nights.

Just justify. It works. But for how long?

Tis the season

for relapse.

At least I have my wits about me enough to contact my therapist and dietitian again. I had been taking a little break from treatment, other than my psychiatrist who gives me meds to mix with booze. But it's time to get back onboard.

This time last year, I was so enthusiastic about getting over these god damn disorders and now I crave their high. I found nothing in sobriety or partial recovery that compares to the feeling I have right now. A mixture of hangover and starvation and empty that makes my brain go numb, staving off the overwhelming loneliness, hopelessness, and fucking boredom.

I need a challenge or major source of stimulation or I'm going to lose it soon. Right now it's drinking to blackout with strangers who make me feel beautiful and fun, but who I don't give a dick about. That'll last me until I get the DUI dangling 2 centimeters from my fucked up head.

Fingers crossed my therapist responds to my email and takes me back...