Tired

I've been tired lately. Not the kind of tired that is remedied with a good night's sleep, the kind of tired that shows in my posture and my face and my mannerisms.

I think I use tired to numb. I float around from meeting to task to desk to school to meeting. Too busy for appointments, too tired to care.

I want to be numb. When I have something I love to keep me wanting to feel, I don't seek out the tired. It's when I have myself and work, and that's it, that I can't sit with myself without wanting to be anywhere else. 

Just justify

Why yes, I'm walking 1.5 miles each way to campus to teach today. The traffic on North Decatur makes it much slower to drive of course, and I'm reviewing my lecture on the way.

Why no, you haven't seen me eat anything but coffee today. I'll eat on the way! See... here's an apple.

Dark circles under the eyes? That's allergies like everyone else, certainly not starvation, bulimia, or sleepless nightmare nights.

Just justify. It works. But for how long?

Tis the season

for relapse.

At least I have my wits about me enough to contact my therapist and dietitian again. I had been taking a little break from treatment, other than my psychiatrist who gives me meds to mix with booze. But it's time to get back onboard.

This time last year, I was so enthusiastic about getting over these god damn disorders and now I crave their high. I found nothing in sobriety or partial recovery that compares to the feeling I have right now. A mixture of hangover and starvation and empty that makes my brain go numb, staving off the overwhelming loneliness, hopelessness, and fucking boredom.

I need a challenge or major source of stimulation or I'm going to lose it soon. Right now it's drinking to blackout with strangers who make me feel beautiful and fun, but who I don't give a dick about. That'll last me until I get the DUI dangling 2 centimeters from my fucked up head.

Fingers crossed my therapist responds to my email and takes me back...