And then people come into our lives unexpectedly and make such an impact because we let them. Just by knowing they exist and care, we begin to seek opportunities to create an environment for change. Change stimulates motivation. What used to be for others, becomes improvement for ourselves.
I want to shrink into nothingness again. And I'm scared that nothing in me is warning, bad idea.
It's after midnight and I'm dedicating this post to announce... 24 hours purge free!!!
Over time, my mindset on being sick has evolved. For the first year of my eating disorder, I sought extreme thinness through strange eating rituals and extreme exercise. When I went to college, I lost more weight, to a dangerous and perceptible degree. I denied any problem.
As I numbed myself through the first and second semester, people commented. Are you anorexic? Why are you so skinny? I glowed.
Thn I drank. And gained about 30 pounds by the start of my second year. My family noticed and didn't shy from telling me. I hated myself and my body and I definitely didn't have an eating disorder or substance abuse issues.
Something clicked. I had to shrink again. I tried purging. Then eating less. Then running. I was back to almost underweight by the end of my 4th year of college, purging multiple times a day after consuming huge or normal portions of anything I could get my hands on and running 8-10 miles. But I am not disordered because I am not 70 pounds.
Except that bulimia is an eating disorder too. Despite the shame and embarrassment, it is dangerous and disruptive, even deadly. It took me 9 years to accept anything was medically or emotionally wrong with me. That I needed help before dropping below 100 pounds. That's what it finally took to take my disorder seriously. Bradycardia and a heart murmur.
Now that I am halfway weight restored though, it's so easy to consider myself fixed. But I still meet and exceed the criteria for bulimia, purging every day and binging more than I can admit. So how long do I continue my long standing habit of denial? I'm not anorexic so I'm not sick enough to get help.
I've been tired lately. Not the kind of tired that is remedied with a good night's sleep, the kind of tired that shows in my posture and my face and my mannerisms.
I think I use tired to numb. I float around from meeting to task to desk to school to meeting. Too busy for appointments, too tired to care.
I want to be numb. When I have something I love to keep me wanting to feel, I don't seek out the tired. It's when I have myself and work, and that's it, that I can't sit with myself without wanting to be anywhere else.
Why yes, I'm walking 1.5 miles each way to campus to teach today. The traffic on North Decatur makes it much slower to drive of course, and I'm reviewing my lecture on the way.
Why no, you haven't seen me eat anything but coffee today. I'll eat on the way! See... here's an apple.
Dark circles under the eyes? That's allergies like everyone else, certainly not starvation, bulimia, or sleepless nightmare nights.
Just justify. It works. But for how long?
