It's amazing how easily an intelligent brain can outsmart itself. It's easy to think pushing breakfast back by 15 minutes, skipping a snack, or switching up a standard lunch to rice cake snacks ain't no thangs. Until... breakfast isn't until noon at work, 2 or 3pm on the weekends, snacks between snacks are nonexistent, and everything is the same as the exact routine you had before. Except for one thing when the scale comes back out, just to see.
It's placed back in hiding - immediately - on account of holy shit, that number. Many miles every day. Before and after work, during any free time, in storms, when tired, while working. Not running? Walk everywhere and bike distances that are too far to walk. Coffee all the damn time. Food is consumed under two terms: 1) once you're hungry enough to feel dizziness upon standing or 2) a guaranteed ability to purge after. And since purging is okay again, might as well binge sometimes too, right?
The headaches are back. More crippling than the worst hangover you've ever had. There's a really painful mouth sore from either eating popcorn at record speed or purging those same pieces whole.
Shaking all the time. Trying to shake all the time. But you're still sober. And in a normal weight range. So basically.... treatment could never be an option, not even outpatients since you'll be the healthiest, most normal weight girl there. You've failed not only at recovery, but also being the best at eating disorder.
