I haven't posted in a while because I've been so busy and focused on the momentum I carried out of residential. Luckily, I'm still on track and feeling positive though a stint in residential is ny no means a quick and easy fix. While P, my friends, and my family are easily convinced that I'm fixed as I scarff down breakfasts of oatmeal, lunches of veggie wraps with cheese and mayo, and dinners as wild as BBQ pork sandwiches, I still hear the eating disorder.
My biggest struggle has been resisting the urge to compensate for my daily food intake through exercise or sobriety. I'm over 45 days sober, but sometimes I worry it's the calories I'm avoiding instead of the fact that I'm likely an alcoholic. Either way, sobriety is helping me in every way except inducing hangovers bad enough to prevent over-exercising. Today at therapy, we worked on exploring how I'm still compensating and yes, occasionally purging and the impact of these behaviors on my recovery. I've vowed to keep a food and exercise log in an effort to keep myself in check, reimplement an escort system at home to make sure I'm not given the chance to purge after meals, and take a Boost every day I'm running to gain the weight my body lost after residential.
I am not going to have a completely perfect recovery process and that's okay. As long as I'm moving in the right direction, exploring the triggers underlying slip-ups, and trying my best to challenge all eating disorder thoughts, I can be very proud of myself every day.
